Life in Pieces

_

Ugh, it's Clem.

- She can't watch Lark. - What?

- Hmm. - Yeah. She says:

I'm going to have to, quote,

"make up some excuse to Jen and Greg."

Oh.

"Whoops, wrong number. But I'm sick."

No, this is unacceptable.

This is the third time we've caught Clem in a lie. Man!

I mean, we deserve a real sitter, you know?

Someone so good that she could literally break up our marriage.

Yeah. Yeah. You know what?

The days are gone where you can just pick up a sitter at a bar.

- Mmm. - No, you have to find them online now.

Online?

I'm sorry, when did we get ugly?

Yeah. All right,

we're looking for the perfect person,

not the perfect mattress. Huh?

- Hey-o. - You know what, guys?

There's no stigma about it.

All the parents do it, okay?

Just like this... Sitter Seeker.

- Huh. - Yeah. Make yourself a profile.

Put your stuff out there.

- This is how I found Ashleen. - Ooh.

What is her number?

Nice try.

Wow, there are so many profiles for babysitters.

I mean, this must be what online dating is like.

Yeah, and we really missed the boat on that one.

I can see why it's so addictive, though.

It's like shoe shopping, but for people.

First things first... we need to create a profile.

- Oh, okay. - All right?

- So let's take a profile pic. - Oh, fun.

- Oh, people like laughter. So... - Oh, that's great,

because I got a really funny joke.

- No, fake laughter's fine. Ready? - Okay.

One, two, three.

Oh, no. Greg, that's terrible.

It looks like a ransom photo, and you're holding me hostage.

Mm.

Let's just use our wedding photo.

Good idea. I will Photoshop in my missing tooth.

Yeah.

Now you're gonna do that?

Are you checking? No one likes us, do they?

I knew my eyebrows were too thin on our wedding day.

- Six matches, babe. - No way.

- Yeah. - Let me see.

- Now, out of the gate, my fav? - Uh-huh?

Kelly. She thinks mean people suck, and she loves pizza.

Okay, Greg, but we're looking for a sitter,

not, like, a 13-year-old best friend.

Okay. How about Kelli with an "I"?

She "don't need no drama," and neither do we.

You know what, that's a lot of all caps.

And too many exclamation points. It might be a coke thing.

Yeah, that's a good catch.

Greg. Look.

Jordana.

She's...

The one.

Ugh, I hate pop-up ads.

Her name is Jordana,

she's in law school, and she was a counselor

at Camp Running Wolf.

Oh. Well, she sounds just like you.

I know. Isn't it the best?

Also, she speaks two languages, English and restaurant Spanish.

- Mmm. - When does she start? In either language.

Well, we haven't met her yet.

Or, um, really heard back from her.

But I have a very good feeling about it.

Me, too. In fact, I e-mailed her a joke last night

when I couldn't sleep, so the bonding's already begun.

I'm sorry, what? You sent her another message?

Well, actually, it was two e-mails.

The first e-mail was the setup,

and then the second e-mail was the punch line.

Greg, why would you do that?

- Do you know how desperate that looks? - I know.

So I sent another e-mail saying, "We are not desperate."

- No. - But if I'm being honest,

- that felt a little bit desperate. - Yeah.

So then I sent an e-mail

- that said, "JK. Ha-ha-ha. LOL." - No.

Even though that technically means the same thing.

Greg, you blew this.

I didn't blow anything, all right?

But, look, if you feel so strongly about it,

- let me fix it. - Oh! Get...

What? No.

- Here we... wait. Oh, look. - What?

It's her.

She wants to meet!

Yes!

Oh, my God! Honey, you did it.

- I love you so much. - Oh, I love you.

- I'm so sorry. - Oh, my God, you don't have to be sorry.

What a... what a head on this guy, what a brain, huh?

Hey, you want to do some fight kissing of our own?

- Come on, say something nasty. - Oh, Tim, shut up.

That's so stupid.

Oh. Nice.

That hits the spot.

Jordana! Come on in.

Hi. It's so nice to meet you. Hi.

- Oh, yeah. - Hey.

I'm sorry I'm a little bit messy.

I just came from an art class that I teach.

I also teach ballet, if you ever think Lark

would be interested in either of those.

Don't know. We-we'd have to ask her.

Yeah. Yeah. And we will.

- But, I mean, not that she's in charge. - No. We are.

We're... yeah, we're very much in charge.

- But, um... - Yeah. We're parents.

- We like to include her. - Yeah.

Just play it cool like I am.

Uh-huh. Hey, welcome to the family.

- Oh. - Nope. Okay.

Yes! Oh, I loved that!

And I usually hate ukulele.

- Ooh-kulele. - That's why.

Man, Lark is gonna love you.

I wish she wasn't napping, so you could meet her.

Oh, well, maybe she'll wake up.

Oh, well, uh, if she does, you'll know,

- because she's a screamer. - Yeah.

Oh, I get it. My niece does that, too.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

It usually just means that there's

a paranormal presence in the child's bedroom disturbing her.

A what, now?

A ghost.

Now, does Lark sleep in her bed

or floating above it?

I can check the monitor.

And we'll get back to you.

Okay.

- We'll circle back. - Yeah.

See? This is great.

I mean, we... we don't even need a babysitter.

No. Look at us. We are chilling at home,

watching Lark ourselves.

If we had a board game, we could totally play it.

- We don't even need to go out. - No.

Is it a match?

Miranda. Former preschool teacher.

Olympic alternate?

Okay, we need to craft the perfect response.

This time, I'm Photoshopping my eyebrows.

I didn't want to say anything before,

but I've already mocked something up.

Why did you do both of our eyebrows?

_

You should have seen Ryan at his last wrestling match.

He dominated.

Well, I was just trying to show off for my girl.

Man, that's risky... Thinking about a girl

while wearing one of those tight wrestling singlets.

What do you mean?

Yeah, what-what do you mean, Tim?

Well, great dinner, Mrs. Hughes.

Let me clean up for you.

Oh. He's so polite.

Thank you, Ryan.

And please, call her Heater.

Yeah.

That's a family joke.

- Marry him now. - Yes.

Tell me it's true love, because I am dying inside.

- Me, too, babe, me, too. - You guys, stop.

My relationship is none of your business.

Things are more casual these days.

You wouldn't get it.

You know, you know what? Teenagers always think

that their parents don't understand, but they do.

We have the same bodies, we have the same... urges.

Seriously, please just stay out of it and let me enjoy my life.

What are we gonna get him for his birthday?

Something big.

Oh. Hi.

- Hi. - Hi.

Aren't you Ryan's mom?

- Yeah. - Yes. Have we met?

No. No, no. I'm Heather Hughes.

Samantha's mom.

Yeah. Oh, gosh, we just love Ryan so much.

He makes my daughter very happy.

You know, I'm sorry, I am blanking right now.

Which one is Samantha?

Sorry, "w-which one"?

Oh, well, you know how it gets with these kids.

Everybody is dating everybody nowadays.

- Huh. - Isn't it so nasty, but kind of fun?

Ryan is juggling so many girls.