The Ricky Gervais Show

For the past few years ricky gervais,

Stephen merchant, and karl pilkingn

Have been meeting regularly

For a series of pointless conversations.

This is one of them.

- Testing. - Is that all right?

Um, I got a text from karl yesterday, steve.

A text from karl, yeah. - Yeah. I'll just read it to you.

Okay. "see you tomoz for a face rub at 6:30 then.

No bum tubes though."

So I was intrigued. I called karl and said,

"I think you just sent me a text by mistake."

What's the explanati of that?

Me mate, right, russell,

He just said, you know, "there's things that go on in life

That you need to experience. " - ricky: Yeah?

He said, "just pop along."

- I didn't say yes strai. - What's a face rub?

You mean a facial? Where you lay down--

- You just clean your face with a- - - yeah, so you're gonna go

Lie down with another man and have your face fiddled with.

Well, no, this is what I was saying to him.

There was a couple of questions- I didn't just say yes straightaway.

I questioned it. I said, "I'm not that happy with this.

There's nothing weird going on here, is there?

It's not a house. It's a proper clinic and that?"

He said, "yeah, it's proper. You wear a dressing gown

I said, "I'm not that"-- - so he's already got you in the dressing gown?

Yeah, well, I haven't agreed to that. Today I've worn a little,

Round polo-neck jumper so I don't have to take it off.

It's not gonna get in the way of me face.

I made sure I didn't wear a shirt with a collar.

I'm not taking this off. They can put the dressing gown on top of this.

Right. - I don't know if there's a woman

Who rubs me head. I don't know if it's a bloke.

Well, the thing is you get extra for your face rub

'cause your face goes all the way back over

The top of your head to the back of your neck.

You've got a big face, haven't you?

All I was saying to him is "I'll have the face rub,"

But I don't know if once you're in there

They try to sell you the old--

- The old...? - --The bum tube thing.

What's the bum tube? Is that a euphemism?

- What are you talking about? - The thing where they pop a tube in,

Put coffee in your belly and it cleans you out and that.

An enema? Why would you have that?

I don't-- I'm not-- I don't want it. I don't think--

Why no - I think I've said to you before about

You know, you don't need to be that clean inside.

I don't mind washing me face.

What occasion do you need where you're cleaned out?

Do you know what I mean?

It's always a clear tube and that

And you see all this stuff whizzing past. I don't understand why it's clear.

I don't know why you've got to see what's coming out of you.

I guess like "the generation game, " making notes of what's whizzing past.

Forget it.

I was watching some different tv,

Saw an amazing documentary- it was called "tribes."

This guy, he goes and lives with different tribes around the world--

These small, little indigenous people.

There was one- heen wt to papua, new guinea

In indonesia right, karl?

He lived wit the kombai tribe, all right?

Now this papua, new guinea, is an extraordinary place,

Because it is one of the only places left on earth

That hasn't been fully explored.

There are parts of it- it's just blank on the map,

'cause they've never explored that. They don't know what's there.

They don't know what's going on.

So fstirly, that must already fakre you out.

Image inthat. 21st century--

They have no idea what's going on down there.

But do they edne to know if there'sot nhing going on?

well, they--

They don't kw nowhat's going on. There could be stuff going on

No, but there's no chance that they'll go, "we haven't been over there,"

Someone goes and there's an arndale centre.

Nothing's going to be there, is it?

Well, I'll tell you atwh is there.

There's these various small tribes--

Some of these tribes are still cannibals,

Eating people from other tribes.

Do they know they could move on? Have they got a telly?

Or have th seyeen a telly and gone, "I'm not up for that"?

Or are they just- are they saying--

- It's not the amish. - They haven't chosen this.

But what is the difference between the amish and these people?

Well, the amish are a group of people that choose to live in that way.

These people are essentially untouched by civilization.

I mean, they do have interaction with civilization

D people do come there, but they still live

In this very- almost prehistoricay w.

They did buy a telly, but there was nothing on

Because there wasn't any broadcasters.

- Stephen: They couldn't plug it in. - Ricky: Yeah.

stephen: It would've been an absolute nightmare.

There was one guy, he said his brother was dying.

This was a couple of years ago- his brother was dying.

He said to his dying brother, "what happened? Why are you dying?"

This guy said, "it was a bloke in anotheril vlage."

He goes over to the other village. He kills this other bloke.

He eats him-- or eats bits of him.

The other village gets annoyed. They go, "what's going on?

Why'd you kill this bloke they were- "sorry about that."

They said, "you ne to make it up to us. " he gave them a pig.

they said, "a pig's not enough."

Then he gave them five pig so five pigs apparently

Made up for the fact that he killed one of them.

They said "hang on what are you gonna do about this bloke's wife?"

Why were they bartering? Why didn't they get

The police in and say, "what's going on?"

The police? - Yeah. Why didn't they call in kojak?

'cause he would've sorted it out, wouldn't he?

What I mean is they're miles away from anything,

But it doesn't sound like a great place to live.

Could they not mov could one of them go

"you know what? I'm sick of this.

I'm moving or whatever and going to a proper city"?

How far away are these papua people...

...To the next--

To the next-- - they're like the smurfs. They' vreery like the smurfs.

How many miles away from a place

With a normal life going on?

Think about this, karl. Firstly, they don't speak the language,

So they don't have any practical skills.

They've got no experienc of civilization.

Even if they chose to go and live in on of these cities,

What can they do how can they function?

I think there's some bacteria that has better lives than that.

That's got to be offensive.

Why?

Okay, butht is is one of the weirdest things--

This is one of the weirdesthi tngs, right?

Sorry.

An entire people- an entire race of people

- He said-- - I'm not- - I'm not having a go.

I'm just saying I wouldn't fancy it, is what I mean.

But they don't know of another world.

Hocow uld they imagine that they could- "I'll tell you what.

This is boring. I'm tired of hunting for food

And eating fish from the river.

I'd like a world where the'ers ipods

And room service. I'm gonna go and move to new york."

But they're not thinking like that, are they, karl?

'cause they don't know about this other world.

But people go to these places on holiday now,

They like a little bit of danger.

They like to see how the others live.

All I'm saying is we know they exist- the papua people.

Maybe people aren't going there.

It doesn't sound like the best place.

You know, I can't imagine having a tourist board

Or anything, right?

But would they accept me if I popped over there

With shoes on in papua?

Well, this is one of the things they do,

Which is a traditi you may have to do.

These kombai, right, they invert their penises.

So they push their penises back up inside their bodies.

- Like a sock. - What for?

- Well-- - keeps it out of the way.

Of what? - Stephen: If you're running through the undergrowth,

Chasing a hog, you don't want it flapping away.

But-- - but it's also become a ceremonial thing,

So if you were over there, you may have to try it yourself.

But-- you will have to become try it yourself.

If you went there, you'd have to try it yourself.

But even caveman had little pants on.

- Why haven't they-- - both: Whoa!

- Slow down. - Rewind.

What do you mean? - Okay, you've been watching "the flintstones."

- No no no, it's just- - is it a leopard skin pair of pants?

That's actually quite-- go on.

But it's a well-known fact that they wore

Bear pants or whatever.

Bear pants? What do you mean?

No no no no no, listen.

You are a qualified anthropologist,

- So what-- - I mean,

Whenever you see 'em on footage or in a museum--

Foote?Ag - yeah, whenever you see that early documentary footage--

It's black and white, isn't it? Caveman footage.

You always see 'em wearing a little bit of fur--

Furry little pants and tt. Ha so what I'm saying is

Even though-- what year is it to these people in the woods?

I don't know what this conversation is anymore.

He's just clutching at straws.

His mind--

It's like a fly, his mind, isn't it? -

It's just buzzing around, trying to find a window.

It's hitting against pieces of information

- But they're just bouncing off. - yeah.

- Stephen: Dazed and perplexed. - Oh, forget it then.

I was shopping with karl before christmas

And we went around piccadilly and st. James's--

Those really beautiful shops around there.

I went in one shop. We had to ring a bell to enter.

ricky: It's an iconoclastic shop.