Son of a Critch

Adult mark (v.O.): As a kid, there's no day more special

Than your birthday.

Fourteen!

I was a bona fide teenager with one year's experience.

After 364 days of nothing special,

This was my chance

To be the centre of attention for the entire day.

Crowd: mark, mark, mark, mark...!

Mark, mark...

Aw... That's my boy.

That's no boy.

That's a man!

[chanting and applause continues]

-Good morning! The birthday boy is...

Here?

Mike sr: Watch the door, now.

Mark: Oh... Heh.

Mike sr: Where do you want this, mary?

Mary: Put it anywhere.

Well, not there!

Move it over here.

Adult mark (v.O.): Every spring, my family moved

Everything outside so it could get some air on it.

-Pop! Will ya get your feet off this?

Why?

The couch is dirtier than my shoes.

Mark: You might say...

That it's a pretty special... Day?

Sure is, son.

Today's the day we air out the house!

Now, go get your bedclothes and put 'em on the picnic table.

Adult mark (v.O.): The love seat was getting

More attention than I was.

Pop: Well, well, well!

Ooh, it looks like you got something pretty big today, huh?

Hah...

A real... Humdinger of a pimple!

What?!

Adult mark (v.O.): As if everyone forgetting

My birthday wasn't bad enough,

I'd sprouted the mount vesuvius of zits.

No!

Adult mark (v.O.): I could only hope

It would pop as easily as my expectations.

Occupied!

Pop: Poland wasn't occupied this long!

Adult mark (v.O.): Concealer!

Happy birthday to me!

Pop: This bladder's 80 years old!

Adult mark (v.O.): This was not as easy-breezy

As in the commercials.

As soon as it went on, it was washed off

By floods of flop sweat!

Nothing a little deodorant wouldn't fix...

- -pop: Oh, come on, lad!

Oh, god!

Finally! Go on, get out!

You're in the splash zone.

Oh, god.

Ohh!

[indistinct chatter and laughter]

What's wrong with your face?

Adult mark (v.O.): Everything!

I don't know what you mean.

-You've got white gunk on your forehead.

Oh.

Moisturizer.

You know, it's never too early to take care of your skin.

Adult mark (v.O.): The deodorant had dried,

Making it worse!

Here.

Happy birthday, nerd.

Thanks.

Exactly what I wanted.

Middle fox: Happy birthday, loser!

Adult mark (v.O.): Getting "flakied."

A long-held birthday tradition.

There was only one thing worse...

It's your birthday!

You know what that means...

No...

Kids: One, two...

Adult mark (v.O.): The bumps!

One for every year of your life.

Suddenly having people forget my birthday

Didn't seem like such a bad thing.

Mr. Chafe: Happy birthday, mark!

What?!

Mary: Did you see the look on mark's face?

He thinks we forgot his birthday!

Sin. God, I love surprise parties!

Hey, I got the decorations.

I don't know if you wanted neon green or neon orange,

So I got both.

-Good god! Is this a birthday party or the coronation?

Shhh!

Where are the party hats?

Shoot, you know what?

Uh, I forgot to get 'em,

But I can go and pick 'em up when I grab linda.

Linda?

You're not going out on the town on your brother's birthday?

-No, no, no, she's coming to the party!

It's a family celebration.

-I think what your mother is trying to say

Is that linda seems very nice, but you shouldn't feel obligated

To stay with someone in trouble, if you're not the one who...

Troubled them.

-I already told you guys, I'm not the father.

-Then stop playing like you are!

I'm not playing anything!

I'm not a kid, mom! Okay?

And my girlfriend is coming to the party,

Or I'm not.

Great job on "the talk."

Whoa!

Dude, that is angry!

-I can't go back out like this. I'm a monster!

Look, it's perfectly natural.

Hormones, they're raging inside of us.

Next comes body hair,

Then mood swings, and, well....

You know.

Adult mark (v.O.): I didn't know.

Yeah.

Totally.

Oh, man...

You haven't had the talk yet?

My dad just gave it to me.

And dude, it was wild.

Mr. Perez: As you become a man,

Your body changes in the following ten ways,

Five of which are disgusting,

And two are terrifying.

- -

Ugh!

Middle fox: Aw!

Did the wittle sooky babies need the talk?

So?

How else are we supposed to know about puberty?

-I know all about the lady's bits and bobs.

The here and there of, uh...

Them.

Middle fox: Meet me after school.

I'm gonna show you something that'll blow your minds.

Mike jr: Alright, on three.

One, two, three!

Pop: Okay, good.

Bring it 'round here.

Good. A bit more, a bit more.

Ah, good.

Mike jr: What's this?

What?

Oh! My goodness, yeah.

Oh... I thought these were long gone.

-She was pretty cute! -Mm-hm.

Yeah, who is she?

Sister rose.

Gross.

-We must have been about your age.

-What happened? -I was a fool. Hm.

We let other people pressure us

Into walking away from the ones we loved.

Your mom got to you, too, huh?

You follow your heart, son.

You don't want to end up when you're 80,

Looking at old photographs and wondering...

What might have been.

Adult mark (v.O.): Alone in the woods with fox's brother,

I couldn't help wondering if this would turn out

To be my last birthday.

-Uh! -Careful, it's dirty.

It's got mud all over it.

-No, I mean the good kinda dirty.

Adult mark (v.O.): He was right.

It wasn't just a dirty magazine...

It was a dirty magazine!

It's just a loaner.

Bring it back tomorrow.

-I-I can't take this home! What if someone sees?

I'll take it!

-On the other hand, I wouldn't wanna be rude...

Then don't look at page 5!

Happy birthday, kid.

Adult mark (v.O.): My first nudie magazine!

I couldn't wait to have time to look through it--

Purely for educational purposes, of course.

I needed the perfect hiding place.

Under the mattress?

Pop's water jug?

No.

Dean martin's french style.

The raciest thing I owned!

Until now.

- -mark!

Adult mark (v.O.): Busted!