Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2

The road of life is always under construction.

The journey is hard,

but once you reach the top, the view is amazing.

And that view is even more beautiful when you have someone to share it with.

Mr. Blart.

For six days.

My beautiful wife of almost a week let me know by letter

that she had what I like to call "some regrets."

Her doctor called it "uncontrollable vomiting."

Honey.

Her lawyer, "Dissolution of marriage."

That's okay. I needed a little time to myself.

Like the song says,

"I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me."

I spent the next two years losing myself

in the sweet escape of keeping the West Orange Pavilion Mall safe.

At least I still had the one thing that never seemed to let me down.

Security.

Are you lost, son?

Anyway, come with me.

- Thank you. - You're very welcome.

Andy, now give the fake cop a hug.

We're actually... We're certified, ma'am.

We take a test and everything. It's pretty vigorous.

All right, hug him, Andy.

Well, it was nice to see you, little man.

You know what, ma'am, he doesn't want to give me a hug.

- And it's okay. - No, he wants a hug.

- I don't think he does. Hey. - Okay, Andy, hug him.

- Honey. - Want to come in?

- Sweetie. You're embarrassing Mommy. - He doesn't want...

- No, he's not embarrassing me. He's fine. - Hug him.

He doesn't have to hug me.

I saw white. I saw white.

I'll get him again, ma'am. I'll find him.

And on the home front, I always had Mom.

There's my paper.

That is, until she got drilled by a milk truck.

Didn't know they even had those anymore.

I guess I was the last one to get the memo.

Paul Blart had officially peaked.

Or had I?

"Congratulations, Officer Blart. You have been selected to join..."

"Congratulations. You have been accepted to UCLA."

Maya! Come down here! I got some great news!

Me, too!

Honey, we've been invited to the Security Officers Trade Association Expo

and award ceremony in Las Vegas, Nevada!

Vegas? Wow.

Yeah, I think I'm finally being recognized

for, you know, getting the mall out of that jam.

Dad, you saved the mall. They should honor you.

- I'm so proud of you. - Thank you.

You know, times have been tough,

but no matter what happens,

as long as I have you by my side, I'm gonna be okay.

But enough about me. What's your great news?

Yeah, I just remembered that

we have leftover baked ziti.

What a day!

Yeah.

All right.

- Can I help you with your bags, sir? - No. That's how they get you.

- I'll be fine on my own, thank you. - No problem, sir.

Lift with the legs. With the legs.

We're moving. Here we go.

Nice little break in the day.

We're going again. We're going again.

Legs.

- Paul Blart? - Yes, sir.

I thought that was you. Donna Ericone, Mall of America.

Man, we still talk about your Black Friday save.

Thank you.

I don't know if you heard.

There's gonna be a surprise keynote speaker tonight.

Word on the street, it's gonna be the officer

who's gone above and beyond the call of duty.

What?

I got to be honest, I had a feeling, but do you really think that, I mean...

- Who else? - Yeah.

Unless RoboCop walks into the room.

Yeah, I would definitely stand down for RoboCop.

- He's not real. - No, I know he's not real,

but I would stand down for him.

He ain't real.

Just don't tell anybody I told you.

- Told me what? - About the key...

You got me. You done gone and got me.

That was in the throat.

That was in the throat.

- See you tonight. - Yeah, okay.

Roger that, Officer Ericone. That was straight to the throat.

That didn't even glance off the chest. It went right up.

- May I help the next guest? - We're next. Here we go. Yes.

- Yello-ha! - Good afternoon.

- Welcome to the Wynn Resort. - Checking in.

Absolutely, Mr. Blart.

Mr. Blart.

You're probably thrown by the travel wear.

- Actually, it's "officer." - Okay, sorry about that.

Yes, Officer Blart.

I see we have you in a partial mountain view,

and you requested a bottomless bowl of Peanut M&M's.

Yeah, it's strictly medicinal.

Unfortunately, I am cursed with hypoglycemia.

Sugar level drops, so do I.

I'm sorry. Your room isn't ready yet.

But you can leave your luggage here, and I will have it delivered to your room.

Dad, I'm starving.

- Can we just go get some lunch? - Hold the mayo.

Hold on a second here.

You probably didn't know this, Heath,

but if you check the Grand Ballroom

and see which group is booked there this evening,

I think your tune may change a wee bit.

- Mini Kiss. The cover band. - Yeah, I'm not with them.

Is there a manager I could speak with?

You know, she's not available right now, so...

You're taking my legs out from under me here.

- Is the Terrace Café open for lunch? - Yes, it is.

I'm out.

Bring it in, Heath.

Little tighter, bring it in. Yes.

Just a little bit closer range. I can't let this out.

But it seems to be that I'm going to be delivering the keynote speech tonight

at the security officers' convention.

You know, I think they canceled that.

They didn't.

But it was downsized to Conference Room C.

Nope, F.

- Okay, here's a map of the property. - Okay.

There you are.

- Thank you. - No, that's yours to keep.

Don't need it. It's already been scanned. Locked and loaded.

Thank you. Time for some lunch.

- Sir? - Yeah?

Your daughter and the restaurant are that way.

Yeah, you had that upside down when I scanned it. That's why... It's on you.

- Was I lying about the conch fritters? - You were not.

They're amazing, with just the right amount of zip.

- Yeah, you got to love the zip. - I do. I mean, I was born to zip.

I put my hand upon my hip When I zip

- You zip - We zip

I can't believe you know that song.

Hey, sir. You actually forgot your valet ticket.

- Thank you. - It's free.

Yeah.

I'm gonna go.

You were born to zip?

Since when do you use the word "zip"?

- I always use the word "zip." - I don't like it.

Hipster talk. Everybody's zipping.

You need to slow it down, young lady.

Look, Dad, you're gonna have to get used to the fact that I'm a big girl now.

Okay, first of all, we're all big. We're Blarts.

Wide hips, thick ankles and a low center of gravity.

That's how the good Lord made us.

That's why we're no good at running hurdles, and we never will be.

What is that?

This? It's my vibrating fork.

It forces me to eat slower.

You think I eat fast at home?

On vacation, I'm like a cheetah chasing a faster cheetah.

Okay, see? Look at that right there.

It's just fuel. It's just fuel.

Here you go.

- Mr. Blart. - Shanghai!

Sorry. Sorry to startle you, sir.

- That's okay. You just hit the trip wire is all. - Okay.

Well, I'm Divina Martinez, the hotel's general manager,

and I wanted to apologize

about the confusion regarding the convention.

And good news, I upgraded your room.

It has a view of the Strip.

It's ready right now, and I wanted to give you the keys personally.

Sorry about that.

Although, I must say, you have very soft hands.

Air bag!

Excuse me?

I sense what you're doing, Divina.

What am I doing?

Truthfully, being a bit transparent.

I'm sorry, I don't follow.

Look, I understand it's the 21 st century,

and a woman can go after hers just like a man.

- Dad, I'm pretty sure she wasn't... - Tadpole, this is grown-up stuff. Okay?

Look, I know it takes two to tango,

but my dancing shoes are currently out for repair.

- Sir, I'm sorry if I... - Apology not needed.

Just know I'm working my way through a maze of personal fire,

and until the flames of chaos subside,

I'm just not ready for public consumption.

I understand, sir.

Have a great stay.

It's not just me, right? I mean, she was relentless.

Relentless.

What troubles you, my pet?

I just had the strangest exchange with that guy over there.

Yeah.

He accused me of hitting on him.