Melissa & Joey

"Melissa and Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

Ugh! Man, that was a long day.

I wish I could just flip a switch and be drunk.

Can you reach the top shelf where the good stuff is?

I'd love to help you out, Burke,

but I'm having a little bit of a problem here with my back.

Aww, were you so busy patting yourself on it

that you pulled a muscle?

No. No.

I had a rough date this evening.

I met up with this lady,

decided to take it back to her place--

she didn't want to wait. Who can blame her?

So we decided to crawl into the backseat

of her cute little sports coupe--

Okay, hold it. Hold it. Hold it.

I'm sorry, did I lose you?

No, just hold it till I'm too sloshed

to comprehend your disgusting story.

Nothing happened. I didn't get all the way in...

To the backseat.

Anyway, now I can hardly move.

And I'm probably never gonna be seeing Jessica ever again.

Well, you know, the research is clear.

The longer two people wait to have sex,

the stronger the relationship will be.

According to who? Your grandma?

No.

According to this new book that everybody's talking about,

"Close Your Legs, Open Your Heart."

If they make that a movie, I hope it's not in 3-D.

It's made me rethink my future relationships.

And I think you should too.

Don't you want a girlfriend?

Don't you want love? Don't you want happiness?

I just want this piercing pain to stop.

In your back?

No, in my ears.

Doctor: Good morning.

Well, it's about time.

Waiting here for 45 minutes.

I got to tell you the way you run this office

is ab...

...solutely gorgeous.

Oh, good. We've been trying to run the office

more gorgeously.

I'm sorry. It's just that I didn't

expect the chiropractor to be so...

You--

Hi! I'm Joe Longo.

Dr. Mullins, or Chelsea, if you like.

I do like.

Let's take a look at that back.

- Okay, you want me to sit up? - Yeah, put your legs here.

- And your elbows... - Okay.

How'd you injure yourself?

Honestly, I was...

Trying to get something

- in the back of a car. - Hmm.

Okay, I'm gonna wrap my arms around you

and lay you down.

Most women buy me dinner

before they try that move.

Glad to see you didn't hurt your sense of humor.

Yeah, I'm not really even hurt that bad.

I just-- ahh! Oh!

Yeah, no! I'm hurt. I'm hurt.

All right, I'm gonna adjust you now, okay?

- So take a deep breath. - Okay.

- Hold it in. - Right.

Count one, two, three.

- ( Back cracking ) - Oh, Mayyy-yim Bialik!

Are you all right?

Actually...

That was great. I feel fantastic.

Oh, that was nothing.

I'm not getting off this table

until we have you in total alignment.

Bring it on.

Len, I didn't know you were working on

a superhero short story.

And making it about a homeschooled kid

is such a clever twist.

Oh, please. That's not mine.

It's Ryder's English assignment for Joe,

so you don't have to be nice.

It really sucked me in.

Yeah, the suck part is right.

Oh, hey, Ryder.

I really like your story, man.

You guys setting me up?

No, I think it would make a killer graphic novel.

I mean, maybe I could do some sketches,

if that's something you'd be into.

Wait, what?

You want to team up with my creepy little brother?

Have you been huffing your markers?

You really want to work with me?

Yeah, sure.

Awesome. All right.

- Let me just clear my calendar. - ( Cellphone beeps )

Done.

We can start right now.

So how do you see this guy?

Uh, he's about my height, my build, brown hair.

So just like you except girls go out with him?

Man, you totally get him.

Wow.

The origin story of the justice league of nerds.

God, boys get excited

about the most stupid and useless things.

Ooh, jacket with lots of zippers!

Did you see those buckles?

Those buckles are hot.

I want to have babies with those buckles.

Are you gonna buy it?

Of course I'm gonna buy it.

I have a responsibility to my constituents...

To look amazing.

Add to cart.

Hello, ladies.

Hey.

Well, your look-at-me walk is back.

I guess you're feeling better.

Yeah, yeah. I saw this chiropractor, Chelsea.

I cannot tell you how fantastic she is.

Actually, um, I can and I will.

Oh, Joe met a cute girl. I know how this one goes.

It'll be over soon-- the relationship, not the story.

What the--? Did you see that?

She just took a shot at me.

Yeah. She's growing up.

So you met a cute chiropractor

and you're gonna ask her out?

I already did. We really connected.

The fuse has been lit. And I'm thinking tonight...

Joe, this is what I was talking about.

You just met this woman.

You know, she cracks your back, endorphins flood your brain,

creating a false sense of intimacy,

and you fall for her.

It's a hormone rush that you can't resist.

"Close Your Legs," chapter three.

What's the matter with wanting to be intimate

when you really connect with somebody?

Don't you want a shot

at a real relationship and not just quick sex?

Hey, give me a little credit, Burke, all right?

Sex with me is never quick.

Yeah, I'm sure it's long and drawn out.

Can't you see how waiting might do you some good?

Yeah?

Well, when you meet somebody

that you really connect with,

we'll see how good you are at waiting.

Oh, I can wait.

In fact, I have decided right now

that I, too, will hold off on consummating a new relationship.

Oh, really? With who?

I found him online.

He's Italian. He's beautiful.

He's made from a cow.

All right, I'll just tell you.

He's an expensive leather jacket.

How is buying a leather jacket

anything like having sex?

Wow, you do not understand women at all.

Come on in. This is, uh, me.

Well, that was fun.

I like a guy who's not afraid

to sit through a romantic comedy.

Hey, are you kidding?

Romantic comedies have taught me

a lot of great lessons over the years.

Oh, like what?

Um. Okay, well, like if, um--

if a woman is playing with her hair

when she's looking at you, that means that she...

That she likes you.

True.

And if you really want to impress someone,

you should always just be yourself.

Unless you wear glasses.

In which case, you should get a makeover

to a pop song and then be yourself.

Yes yes, exactly exactly.

But most importantly, romantic comedies

taught me how to identify the perfect moment

for a first kiss.

And that was it right there.

Everything okay?

I-- I-- I just, um--

I don't want to rush this.

I mean, I had a great time with you tonight, Chelsea.

I just think that we should--

we should wait before we do anything big

and open our hearts.

I don't believe this.

Yeah, me neither.

No, I mean most guys rush into the physical stuff.