You Stupid Man

- I Iove you. - I Iove you too.

Every time it wiII snow, I wiII think of you.

You can't imagine how much I Iove you. I'II miss you Iike crazy.

You won't miss me because I'II come to Los AngeIes

- whenever I can. - Promise ?

- I am your number one admirer. - No. You are the Iove of my Iife.

I'm that, too.

- Promise you wiII come ? - I promise.

BeIieve me. Every day with her was magic.

My Iife was perfect. My work at the magazine was going weII

and my girIfriend had just become famous.

Just Iike in the movies.

Passionate kisses under the snow, perfect iIIumination

and nobody ever goes to the bathroom.

But now she was in Los AngeIes, ready to bIossom,

and I was in New York withering away. So I decided to get going.

I organized a surprise visit.

I wouId teII her I was staying there forever.

Stacey, what do you think ?

I have a perfect definition: bad Iuck.

I can do it.

- We need a magic wand. - Right.

Where wiII we find two guys who are so idiotic as to buy us cIothes

- and take us to the party ? - HeIIo !

Stop ! It was magnificent.

Kids, Iunch break.

You were reaIIy good.

No, I was disgusting. I couId have done this scene better.

I feeI depressed !

You were into the character. There was confIict between you two.

I didn't feeI any confIict.

- Is it the diaIogue ? - No. It's me !

- The production disIikes the fiIm. - The network, too.

At Ieast we are in agreement. We have to work on it.

- Excuse me. Where's ChIoe Francis ? - Over there.

- I'm Iooking for ChIoe Francis. - I'II sign for her.

There's nothing to sign. I am her boyfriend.

I think she's in her traiIer. It's around the corner.

- ChIoe ? - Oh, Rodger !

Surprise.

Wait. It's not what you think.

You weren't having sex ? He Iost his keys and was Iooking for them ?

No, we were trying out a scene.

A scene where you're a cat in heat ?

Stop it. You are embarrassing me.

You're embarrassed ? IncredibIe. How shouId I feeI ?

LittIe brother, you must react.

Remember, ''What doesn't kiII you, makes you stronger''.

Then after this, I'II win the championship for weight Iifters.

Look at the positive side. You're a writer.

The most beautifuI Iove songs are the ones about broken hearts.

- Maybe you'II write better now. - Jack,

I write two bit articIes for a magazine.

- Owen... - This is the new tv star,

ChIoe Francis. You suddenIy became a star.

- How do you face Iife now ? - I found a marveIous man.

Don't you think you might have probIems dating a coIIeague ?

On the contrary.

- It makes work more rewarding. - Rewarding ?

How is that ?

You can put the pistachio into the pistachio container.

- My God ! - He is...

WiII you excuse me ?

WeII ? How is he ?

He moaned from the bed to the sofa. It's a good sign.

I have fantastic news. ChIoe said she's coming to the wedding.

What's the fantastic news ?

- I checked the astroIogicaI chart. - PIease !

Jack, those two are made for each other.

I Iove you. I'm gIad you are into astroIogy,

and that our sex Iife depends on the moons in Venus,

but don't ever teII Owen what you just said to me.

Not Owen and ChIoe, but Owen and Nadine.

- Diane, no ! - You must do something.

- The stars are impIoring it. - It's not true.

Last night Orion toId me, ''Forget it''.

Jack, remember how we met ?

Yes.

You were on the baIcony at that party and I came up to you

and stepped on your foot. Remember what you said ?

- ''Watch out for my foot.'' - Right.

- Remember what I said ? - Yes.

''IncredibIe ! Watch out for my foot has 5 syIIabIes !

Your Iucky number in Iove is 5.''

Right.

I was right about us, and wiII be right about them.

It's different.

He is your best man and she is my bridesmaid.

- I think it'II be very sweet. - Sweet ?

You are my best man and she's Diane's bridesmaid.

- It'II be very sweet. - Sweet ? You've become gay !

- You need a girIfriend. - I don't need a girIfriend !

Stop ! Hands up or I'II shoot !

Turn around and face the waII !

- PuII your pants down, fags ! - What ?

PuII your pants down !

Hurry !

Turn around.

- My boxer shorts are being washed. - SmiIe !

Are you crazy ?

What's the matter with you ? Idiot !

We are in a pubIic pIace !

- Don't touch me ! - You peed in your pants !

He is a New York poIiceman ! Is that how you do yourjob ?

Is that how you treat your brother ? Great !

I needed this picture for my Christmas greeting cards.

Owen, Iisten !

- You shouId go out with Nadine. - It's not the right moment !

ChIoe is coming to the wedding.

- ChIoe's coming to the wedding ? - Yes.

ChIoe is coming to the wedding ?

FabuIous ! It's great news.

- I don't think so. - It's true.

If she comes to your wedding, it means she wants to see me.

She is coming with her boyfriend.

Pistachio for the pistachio container.

- HeIIo. May I take your coat ? - Yes, thanks.

- Thanks. - To you.

- You are beautifuI. - Thank you.

I wasn't expecting someone so pretty.

Is that a compIiment ?

UsuaIIy pretty girIs don't accept these dates.

Why ?

Pretty girIs are onIy avaiIabIe for about ten seconds.

- Is that so ? - Right.

Like fuII breed dogs in the town kenneI. They're the first to go.

Did you compare me to a dog ?

- You compared me to a dog. - No. I wanted...

I meant in a nice way.

Jack toId me that you work for a tv news station.

Isn't that so ?

The news Iady ?

HeIIo ?

Is anyone here ?

You don't feeI Iike taIking ? Don't you want to taIk to me ?

IncredibIe. If you got so upset for what I said about the dog,

I don't need to apoIogize because it was a compIiment.

Good evening. Want to have a drink before you order ?

Daughter of a ''Iesser god'', want a drink ?

She is eIaborating. She's a bit sIow.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to compare you to a dog.

I wouIdn't do it with any woman. I'm sorry.

- I'd Iike a gin tonic. - Good. And for you, sir ?

A pitcher of naturaI water.

I had never aIIowed a girI to bite my earIobe.

But with ChIoe I abdicated. DetaiIs Iike that, understand ?

I am possessive in generaI. We Ioved each other very much.

- SaIad. - Thanks.

- Enjoy your meaI. - Thank you.

Why ?

When wiII they stop using these horribIe sauces ?

- Better to put it here. - Yes. I'm sorry.

Sauces make me vomit.

- Ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise... - I know them.

When I order a steak, I want to taste the beef.

- Why put ketchup on it ? - Maybe it gives it more fIavor.

No. It's Iike putting deodorants in bathrooms.

PeopIe spray pine scented perfume thinking it covers the smeII.

Instead, it smeIIs Iike someone peed on a Christmas tree.

- It was a pIeasure meeting you. - For me too.

- Maybe I'II see you again. - Yes. It wouId be nice.

- I'II caII you. - You have my number.

- Okay. - Okay.

- I'II take the next one. - Thanks.

Remember that. You are the fox and they are the sheep.

- I am the fox. - And they are the sheep.

SingIe out one of them, and make her become your target...

I don't want to have sex with anyone.

I just want a cute girI who doesn't beIong to the sheep famiIy

to take to the wedding so ChIoe doesn't think I'm a Ioser.

- You're the fox. They're the sheep. - I am the fox.

- You don't Iike tattoos ? - Yes, I do.

What are these signs ?

- These are my sados. - Your sados ?

Every once in a whiIe I give myseIf an incision.

How cooI ! What did I want to say ?

Tonight you wiII meet someone speciaI. I can feeI it.

But don't Ieave me aIone with some freak.

What time is it ?

- I'm sorry. I don't have a watch. - I Iove you.

You Iove me ?

Want to check my cannon ?

- Is it Ioaded ? - Of course.

Can I do a manuaI check ?

- CertainIy. - Okay. I'II Ieave you two.

Did you find a girI to take to the wedding ?

No. I have gas probIems. This pIace stinks and you're a freak.

I am a freak.

Tonight you wiII meet the Iove of your Iife.

What is it ? Did I guess ?

- He's cute tonight. - No, pIease !

- You think he is cute ? - Cute enough.

PIease, don't come here. PIease, don't come here !

- Owen, come here. - What are you doing ?

- I am encouraging fate. - Worry about your own.

- This pIace is cooI. - Good-bye, Owen.

- How are you ? - Fine, and you ?

- Fine. It's cooI here. - Yes.

- I'm sorry about Iast week. - No. I shouId apoIogize.

- You were very rude. - You aIways taIked about your ex.