Preppers

Hey. Can you hear me?

Are you OK?

Ooh! What the fuck?!

Who are you?! Where am I?

I said, who are you? I'm Charlie...

Answer me! Stop!

What are you doing? Stop!

Wait, Fig!

Guy, I'm not gonna tell you how to do your whole water torture thing,

'cause who am I, a white man,

to tell you, an empowered black man, how to interrogate?

But maybe we should let her answer.

Shut your hole. She's my prisoner.

Prisoner?! What is this?

Some kind of... some kind of snuff film?

Some kind of weird interracial snuff film?

It's not a snuff film. You're not even tied up.

Actually, you're free to go.

No, she's not! Didn't you hear what I just said?

Hey! Hey! Stop it!

Alright, stop! Stop!

Argh!

Guy! Guy! Not the hair. Guy, Guy, that's enough.

Help me.

Come here, bub. You're safe now.

Where am I? How'd I get here?

You don't remember?

Hey! That's my car! Those are my things!

Those are my clothes!

Wait, where's my phone?

I need my phone. Where's my phone? It's OK. Relax.

I'm Kelly and this is my fiance, Lionel.

Welcome to Eden 2.

Eden 2? Are you a cult?

Hey, we're not a cult.

We're preppers. Preppers?

We're a self-sufficient community prepping for the end of the world.

Like Armageddon? 'Armageddon' ready for anything!

Get it? You're serious.

Deadly serious.

Global wars, civil wars, nuclear wars, race wars,

alien invasion, overpopulation,

bushfires, tidal waves, climate change, supervolcanoes.

And don't forget, the four horsemen ushering the apocalypse

as the sun becomes black like sackcloth

and the moon becomes like blood

and the stars of the sky fall upon the earth.

It's a personal favourite. Hey? You are a cult.

This has happened before.

The sun became sackcloth?

What? No.

Not their gammon horsemen nonsense. Hey.

But an apocalypse.

1788, when the First Fleet invaded.

End of the world.

Hold on.

You seriously can't be prepared for all those things?

That's why we're called preppers and not unprepareders.

Ugh!

Duh.

Here, eat this. You'll feel better.

Mmm.

Wait. I think I'm gonna be sick.

Where's the bathroom? Ugh!

Thomas?

You are enough.

You are enough. You...

Oh, my God, you can't breathe.

This is Thomas. Leave a message at the...

Hi, Thomas. It's me again.

Yeah, we just gotta get it to the left.

Morning, Charlie. That's it.

Do you like the new poster?

Good morning.

Bianca Vita Extrait de Parfum.

Oh, I love this!

Yes, that's Sophie's.

You know how she is with her Bianca Vita Extrait de Parfum.

Mm. (CHUCKLES)

Alright, people, back live in five. You are enough.

You are enough. ..four, three...

Good morning. It's January 25. And I'm Sophie McNamara.

And I'm Charlie Smallwood, joining you this morning as we...

We wake up Australia.

Ah!

'Agent of Truth'.

Podcast episode 197.

I'm your host, Kirby X.

What are you doing?

As usual, 'Agent of Truth' comes to you from an undisclosed location...

It's a portable toilet. You can't prove that.

I'm joined by Eden 2's interloper, Charlie Smallwood.

I'm not Charlie Smallwood.

Yes, she is.

Charlie's a co-host on 'Wake Up Australia',

where she brainwashes the masses with corporate propaganda.

She's a catfish working for the corporate capitalist necktie cult.

'Agent of Truth' is brought to you by 5G-BioShell.

OK, I'm not Charlie Smallwood.

Charlie Francis Smallwood.

DOB - 3 September 19... You got that from my car!

Charlie's here to record some kind of TV expose.

No, I'm not! Then what are you doing on our land?

I'm not on your land. This is my land. Now, let me out!

Get yourself out.

Oh, let me out!

Alright, get off. You're squishing me.

Alright, I kind of like it. We don't get...

Gosh. We're out.

Wow! That could've been pretty disgusting.

Lucky I was walking by.

Not now, 'Pantene Pro-V'.

What do you mean 'your land', Smallwood?

I own this land and I do not give any of you permission to be here.

What about me?

Especially not you.

Well, if this is your land, how come we've never seen you here before?

Because maybe you weren't prepared for me.

Now, look, just tell me who's managing this mission

and we could get this all sorted out, OK?

Thank you.

Charlie.

I've been expecting you.

A 10,000-year lease.

Yes.

But I'd be surprised if we'll even need 10% of that

with the way the world's been going.

And you did this deal with my nan?

Was this before or after she went into the old folks home?

Before, of course.

But she never mentioned you or Eden

or a legally binding 10,000-year lease

or prepping.

Here, Charlie, I've been asked to read this to you aloud.

"My dearest Charlie,

"I always hoped you'd find your way to Eden 2.

"If you are hearing this letter read aloud by Uncle Monty,

"then you've made it.

"As you know, survival as First Nations people is our strength.

"So I hope you can join Monty and the preppers of Eden 2

"in ensuring the continued survival of Aboriginal people.

"Love, Nanna.

"PS. Whatever you do, don't tell your mum.

"PPS.

"Seriously, do not tell your mum."

You're saying that my nan gave you a 10,000-year legally binding lease

for the continued survival of Aboriginal people?

Yes. Half of Eden 2 aren't even black.

Doomsday prepping isn't cheap.

Besides, it makes it easier to decide who gets eaten first.

Doesn't seem legal.

I could challenge you in court, you know.

Let me see that lease.

See for yourself, Charlie.

This isn't fair.

Fair as a blackfella's bum.

My nan used to say that.

I know.

Look, Monty,

I didn't come here for this

and I don't plan to stay.

I just want my land back.

Charlie, we're Aboriginal people.

We all want our land back.

Oh, my God!

Shit! Where is it?

Where is it?

I know you're there.

No, you don't.

Idiot. Psst! What are you doin'?

I'm looking for my phone. I can't leave without it.

Be careful, Charlie. Why?

There's booby traps everywhere.

I lost a bear trap around here sometime.

Uh... Guy, is it? Sup?

OK, Guy, do you have a phone? I need to call myself.

Hey, don't be snooping on my selfie game.

"Hi, you've reached Charlie Smallwood..."

Shit! I'm out of battery.

Dammit.

Deadly, huh?

Not the bear trap. Me. Like, I'm deadly.

Deadlier than the bear trap.

Like, 'deadly' in, like... like, OK, how blackfellas say 'deadly'.

Like, "Deadly!" Not, like, gammon.