The Devil and Miss Jones

- Oh, George. - Yes, sir?

Has he seen it?

Oh... Thank you.

Morning, J.P.

Morning.

I thought I sold everything below 38th Street three years ago.

Well, that store is right on 38th Street, J.P., so we kept it.

Neeley Department Store. N, N, N, N...

Natural Foundry, Napex Corporation

National Radiator, yes, Neeley Department Store.

You still own it.

This dummy doesn't look like me.

Maybe it's supposed to be one of you.

There's a sign on the dummy with your name on it.

Where?

M-E-R-R... That's all you can see.

What's been done about this?!

We had a talk with the manager of the department store. He fired the ring leader

and half a dozen of the employees who participated in it.

Have this picture enlarged.

And everybody, even watching it, fired. Out!

That's an excellent suggestion, J.P.

I pay you a great deal to take care of my interests and my privacy.

I want privacy.

I haven't had my photograph in a newspaper in 20 years.

This is temporary, J.P.

Who could have gone to all the trouble of finding out I own this piddly investment?

Our detective will ferret the whole thing out, J.P., in no time.

What detective?

We have a man who's an expert. If you care to speak with him...

He'll show you this is a simple little disturbance that has no significance.

The Boston Tea Party was a little disturbance.

I want to talk to this... detective.

Good day, gentlemen.

- Good day, J.P. - Goodbye. - Good day, J.P. - Good day, sir.

There's a detective here for you to interview.

This way, sir.

Thank you.

Sit down.

Thank you.

- What's your name? - Thomas Higgins.

What progress have you made, Higgins?

I, uh, I've gotten a job in the store.

Nobody in the whole store knows I'm a detective except the Personnel Head.

Not even the General Manager.

I see.

I'm a salesman in the Children's Shoe department.

That's the hotbed. That whole fifth floor.

Will you have the graham crackers individually

or shall I crumble them in the bowl?

- Individually. - Yes, sir.

- No. Crumble them for a change. - Yes, sir.

Tell me. How soon could you find out who these employees are? The troublemakers?

Not more than two or three weeks.

Why not two or three days?

Why, I've got to worm my way into their confidence. Become one of them.

How do I know what they're going to do in the next two or three weeks?

I'm not gonna hang from every lamppost in the city

while you worm your way into their confidence.

- It's a very difficult assignment. - There's nothing difficult about it!

Fire anyone that's even suspicious.

You don't have to be accurate. Is there anybody you suspect yet?

Well, I... I haven't really started. I thought I'd begin the day after tomorrow.

- What's that? - My wife's having a baby in Philadelphia.

That's where I live. I thought I'd go home tomorrow.

I don't think you ought to be separated from your wife while you're having a baby.

I'll get someone else for this assignment.

That's very considerate of you, Mr. Merrick. My wife...

Nothing at all. I'll just keep this card for the next fellow. Good day.

- Thank you for your kindness. - Perfectly all right.

Go back to Poughkeepsie and forget about it.

Poughkeepsie? Yes, sir.

Good day, sir.

George?

Yes, sir?

Come here.

I want you to tell me the truth, George.

Yes, sir.

What would you like to see changed in the world? In a business way?

- Well... - Yes?

I have a few shares of steel stock. I would be happy if it went up a little.

If anyone asks you, George. You're not a typical working man.

No, sir.

Dr. Schindler made up your pepsin into sticks of chewing gum, sir.

He thought you would like the change.

You are to have one every hour on the hour.

You will find them in your lower left breast pocket. It's time for one now.

Look at their faces. Moron. Sheep.

No wonder you can convince them of anything.

How I'd like to hear one of those troublemakers talking.

I'd show him.

- Mr. Merrick! - Why not?

I'd like to see them operate.

- Your stomach. - I'll be one of them.

Mix with them. Let them talk to me.

Why, these idiots. I'd play with them like a cat and mouse.

Oh my....

George, my name is... Thomas Higgins.

Young lady, could you direct me to the Section Manager?

He's right over there. See? Standing at the little desk?

Thank you.

- There you are, madam. - Thank you very much.

Thank you.

And what can I do for you, sir?

Oh, uh. I'm working here. I'm a new salesman.

- You're Higgins? - Mh-hm.

"Yes, sir."

Yes, sir.

Higgins...

Harrison...

In the intelligence test you took this morning your rating was 66.

That's one point over the lowest passing grade.

66?

There must be some mistake. I answered all the questions.

You might have answered some of them wrong.

That's possible, isn't it?

I said that's possible, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

Sir.

We never make mistakes, Higgins. Neeley's is always right.

This is the lowest intelligence rating in my department.

I hope you have other qualities to compensate for it.

For your own sake.

Miss Jones?

Don't lean against my desk.

And remove your hat.

Please.

Miss Jones, I'm assigning Higgins to Slippers. Show him his duties.

Welcome to the shoe department, Mr. Higgins.

You come right along with me.

Now. This will be your counter, Mr. Higgins. Bedroom, lounging, and house slippers.

You know, this is really the best job.

No bending down for try-ons.

No running back and forth for different models.

Everything's right here.

I wish I had this counter.

He doesn't think that I'm good enough to sell shoes, is that it?

Now don't be silly. This is just the same.

It's even better.

You have to be cleverer selling slippers than you do shoes.

Don't forget people can always do without slippers. They have to be convinced.

How could he tell I'm not as good a salesman as the next one?

It's just your vanity that's hurt.

And you can sell shoes when you relief for lunch.

Show him then what a good salesman you are.

Your lunch hour will be from 12:00 to 1:00. That's in 30 minutes.

I'm not going to eat lunch.

- You're not? - I'm going to stay here selling slippers.

- I'm going to make a good impression. - Why aren't you going to have lunch?

I'm not hungry. I never have lunch anyway.

You go to lunch at 12:00 sharp. No arguments.

You don't mind waiting on me, do you?

What can I do for you, madam?

Mr. Higgins?

It's time for lunch. I'll take over the counter.

I'm really not hungry.

Why do you argue so much? You go to lunch! And hurry up about it.

- I don't know where to go. - Well, you... um...

- Oh, Elizabeth? - Yes?

Miss Ellis, this is Mr. Higgins.

- How do you do? - How do you do?

Elizabeth, will you show Mr. Higgins where the employees' restaurant is, please?

I'd be glad to.

Did you sell anything?

One pair of men's slippers, size 9, $1.98.

That's fine! Did you have any trouble selling them?

- Oh no. No. - Wonderful!

Be back in an hour, now.

- The restaurant's two flights up. - Aren't you coming?

I always bring my own lunch and eat in the park. It's pleasant in there.

I don't intend to eat at all. Would it inconvenience you if I sat with you?

- Not at all. I'd love to have you. - Thank you.

- Kind of stuffy in here. - Yes, isn't it?

- Sure you won't have something? - No, no, thanks. I never eat lunch.

You men worry more about your figures than women do.

It's not my figure I worry about. It's uh... I'm just not hungry.

Isn't it terrible about the store not letting people organize?

I made these myself.

It's very rude of you not to try one.

I wonder where they are holding a meeting tonight?

Go on, eat it.

- What is it? - Tuna fish popover.

- Tuna fish popover? - It's my own invention.

Bite it.

- Oh, no, I couldn't. Really, I couldn't. - Oh, please.

If I ask you to?

You haven't got a graham cracker, have you?

Oh, a grown man eating graham crackers. Why, there's no nourishment in that.

You eat that popover.

It won't bite you.

Won't it, though?

Tuna fish.

Like it?

I don't know yet.

- Is it good tuna fish? - Costs 12 cents a tin.

- 12 cents! - It's almost as good as you can buy.

- Almost? - Go on, eat it.

- Tastes good. - Thank you.

- Here, have another. - No, no, thank you just the same.

Oh, one isn't enough to feed an infant. Go on, take it.