Balls Up

- -

Ah, apologies.

Sorry, the thing is, uh, public speaking

- has never been my, uh... -

my... I can't even think of the word.

I, uh...

I would pretty much do anything to avoid public speaking.

Like, even die. I would die

rather than public speak.

Like, if a meteor came and landed on us right now, I'd be relieved.

I'd be, like, "Come to papa."

Elijah, relax.

It's only a practice pitch.

- We're all on the same team, right? -

No pressure.

I mean, other than the Regal Blue Condom Company's future

and all of us who work here.

This pitch fails, we all go tits up.

- And we don't want that to happen. - Right.

As you all know, I'm a bit of a germaphobe.

Raw dog?

"Nah." I say, "Nah, dog."

And, um, and so there was this one time that I was making love

to a woman from... Oh, it doesn't matter where...

But, uh, we were getting it on and I...

My testicles were becoming adjacent to things

I didn't want them to become adjacent to...

What is happening here? What are we...

I don't know, but I can't look away.

May I, uh, suggest a change of clothes?

Maybe a-a wet suit?

Let Elijah finish, please.

I relate to what you're saying because I, myself, have often felt a man's balls

lightly tapping me from behind like pieces of warm dog shit

dangling in a plastic poo-bag.

It's unnerving and disgusting.

That is unnerving.

Sorry, is Steve from HR here?

I didn't invite him. Ugh, the fun police.

Uh, actually, I'm here.

Oh, fuck.

Anyways, as you all know, um

m-more prophylactics are sold during the World Cup

than any event on planet Earth.

Even more than the Valentine's Days.

Even more than the Olympics.

Raoul, that's your cue, "More than the Olympics."

Oh, sorry. Yeah.

- Uh... Yeah. - No. Yeah.

- - Oh, sh...

Oh, my God. Please get that away from me.

It's alive!

Okay, there's,

- uh... - T-Turn it off.

Okay.

I don't... There's a button somewhere.

Uh, may I, uh, be excused?

- Not now, Jeremy. - No, it's just I have a...

I got a hard out at 11:30, so...

Eleven-thirty?

- Yeah. - What can't move?

Dialysis.

- Oh, shit. - Yeah.

I'm sorry. Yeah. No, no problem.

Everybody do what they got to do.

- Anyways, um, drumroll, please. -

In order to win the World Cup account,

I have devised and designed

a condom that covers both the penis

and the testicles.

I call it...

Any time on that meteor, God.

The Testicle Sentinel.

- - Oh.

Yeah, it kind of sells itself, am I right?

For what it's worth, you designed the shit out of that condom.

It's one of the most amazing products I'll ever have the pleasure to pitch.

Yeah.

Hey, Brad, uh

don't patronize me.

We both know that that was supposed to be a, uh, practice run.

Just a test. I was working out the kinks.

Oh, it had some kink.

What? It's a courtesy buffet.

Are you humming "We Built This City"?

Yep.

I do it because I'm not good at swallowing pills, so it's like...

When my throat's closing up, I just sing a little ditty and

it goes down, distracted.

Ah, that...

Ooh.

You do understand that this is my product?

It's mine. It came from my brain.

I should be the one showcasing it.

Uh... not sure if I like that.

There's no "me" in "team."

It's, like, half the word.

Facts are facts.

There is no better designer than you, Elijah,

but there's no better salesman than Brad.

So you see, put that together, you're the perfect partners.

The steak... and the sizzle.

Yeah, no, that's how I see Brad.

He's all sizzle, no steak.

Opposites bring out the best in each other.

Think...

Ben and Jerry or chocolate and peanut butter.

- Michael and Fredo. - There you go.

Okay, but which one am I?

Oh, that's such a Fredo question.

Good morning, Senhor Santos,

and the rest of the esteemed Brazilian Travel Ministry.

My name is Brad. Brad Lewison.

But you, call me Brad from Sales.

I understand you guys just heard from Champ Condoms?

Ooh-ee.

Tough act to follow.

But where Regal Blue can't match Champ in size and scale,

they cannot match us in paixão.

I can only imagine, as a man of Brazil,

you know all about passion.

- - But sometimes

paixão can have unintended consequences.

We here at Regal Blue are all about protecting

our most prized possession.

A pênis

is a terrible thing to expose to unwanted risk.

So, too, the vagina.

But they aren't the only valuables exposed in a vigorous session of lovemaking.

I'm talking about the unwanted guests at any passion party.

Os testículos.

Os testículos have long been transmitters

and/or receivers of unwelcome contaminants.

They are little round super-spreaders.

- Until now. - He's not wrong.

Introducing a condom that covers

not only the shaft and the head of the pênis

but also, thanks to our patented latex satchel technology,

os testículos themselves.

And the precious genetic seed inside.

Why hasn't anyone thought of this before?

Why indeed, Senhor Santos?

Why not allow Regal Blue to cup you and yours at the next World Cup?

Impressive.

Very impressive.

Truly.

I have only one question.

This condom, what do you call it?

- Great... - The Testicle Sentinel.

- Mm. - I don't know.

Sounds a little, mm

- clinical, eh? -

Not too... not too sexy.

Which is why that working title was replaced with

the Balls Up!

- -

Now we're talking.

Little bolas de futebol right there on the condom.

I love it. I love it so much.

Bom.

The official condom of Brasil 2025 is

- the Balls Up! -

This is gonna be an amazing partnership, Senhor Santos.

Please, call me Artur.

You got it, Artie.

Gentlemen, champagne.

"Champagna."

- How about a little toast? - No, no.

Not for me.

So sorry, but

nine years in March.

You pussy.

I'm kidding.

Hey, you got some catching up to do.

- Hey. -

What do you got there?

Oh, this is an Abigail Breslin.

It's like a Shirley Temple but double the grenadine.

How about have a real fucking cocktail, huh?

We're cooking now.

Okay, I thought we were done cooking.

- Oh, no, I'm just getting cooking now. - Oh.

Yeah.

- Please don't muck it up. - Muck it up?

Were you not there this morning?

I was playing hero ball.

You two are so good together.

You don't see it, but I do.

- Hey, Artie, one toast. - No, no, please.

- Please, no, no. - You know what?

- No. - As a tradition...

Look, I don't even want you to drink.