Two and a Half Men

Previously on:

It's spring break this week,

So Zoey and her daughter are going to stay here.

I'm going to need you to move out for the week.

Where you staying? I'm just going to have to stay with Lindsey.

There's someone in the house. Go look.

Ow! What?!

I'm sorry!

No, no, don't touch it!

I'm bored.

*

I can't do this, Berta. It's just too much.

She just never stops.

So, how are things going living with Zoey and her daughter?

It's good. It's good.

Oh.

How's living with Lyndsey?

Oh, it's terrific. That's great.

So, if I could get rid of them... Yes, 100 times yes.

Men...

Okay.

Zoey...

you know I love you, and...

I want to live with you forever.

But we got to lose the kid.

Yeah, probably not. Okay.

Hey, have you ever thought of Swiss boarding schools?

Hi! Sh...

She's out like a light.

Really? How? Did you drug her?

I didn't think we were allowed to drug her.

She's worn out from playing with you all day.

She's not the only one.

Listen...

I've been thinking about this

whole "moving in together" thing.

It's all right. I admit, I had my doubts.

But you have been so wonderful with her.

Thank you.

This little girl loves you so much.

Really...

You're all she talks about.

The sun rises and sets with you.

Huh...

Look at what she made for you.

Wow...

So, you win. We're all yours.

I mean,

there's a million details to figure out

before we can move in permanently.

First and foremost, where she's going to go to school.

Have you ever considered Switzerland?

You're kidding, right?

I'm ki.. of course!

Why would I want her so far away?

Let me put her up to bed. Then we can start making plans.

Great.

Mommy? Hmm?

Where's Walden?

Oh, I'm right here.

I love you, Walden.

I love you...

Just like I planned it.

Hey, roomie!

You got here quick.

Yeah, Lyndsey asked me to fix the garbage disposal

and I didn't like the odds.

So, uh, did you talk to Zoey yet?

Yes, I did.

How'd she take it?

Well, I... yeah, let's...

Did she cry?

No... Yelling?

No. There was no yelling.

Yeah, I know that I said that I wanted to get rid of her

and have you come back...

Oh, no!

You know, I, I love her.

Oh, no!

And I, I love the kid.

No!

I'm just going to have to make it work.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Alan, I'm sorry.

Okay, okay, I'll... I'll figure something out.

If nothing else, I am a survivor.

Okay, very funny. Survivor, I get it.

Oh, come on! I feel bad enough already.

Help me...

911!

Oh, okay. I'll play along.

Here, would 100 dollars

make you better?

You're not kidding?

Not kidding...

Don't die.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

I want him to have the best possible care.

So, whatever it takes, I'll pay for it.

You're going to have to.

The man's got the worst insurance policy I've ever seen.

What do you mean? He's got a $500,000 deductable.

A $500,000 deductable?

Even at our prices, he ain't gonna

hit that with one heart attack.

All right, well, I'll just... I'll take care of it.

Just check the box "Domestic Partner."

Oh, no, we're just buddies.

We got no buddy forms.

Yeah, but... Just check the damn box.

Come out, come out, wherever you are.

I guess there's nothing to do now but wait.

Forgive me for being callous,

but don't you think this heart attack is a bit convenient?

What? Come on.

He tries to weasel his way back into the house.

You tell him no

and he falls to the ground, clutching his chest.

You think he faked a heart attack?

I think he'd fake a shark attack.

How do you fake a shark attack?

I don't know. Ask Alan.

Harper?

Yeah, right here.

Okay, well, your boyfriend's going to be fine.

That's great.

Uh, he's not my...

It's great.

It was the form. It was just easier.

Um, did he actually have a heart attack?

It was a mild one, but yes. Told you.

He should be fine. He's just going to need rest

and as little stress as possible.

For how long?

I don't know, at least a month or two.

Great...

That's why we gave up women. Am I right?

It's a compelling argument.

Hi.

Hi, Walden.

How ya feelin'?

Fan-tastic.

I'm on a morphine drip.

Everyone should have a morphine drip.

There would be no more war.

Listen, the doctor said

that you... had a little heart attack,

but you're going to be fine.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I remember now.

Zoey's moving in and...

I'm... I'm moving out.

No, you're not moving out.

I'm-I'm not?

No, you can stay as long as you want. As long as you need.

Oh.

Oh, that's... that's so good to hear.

Thataboy.

I just... I just want you to not worry about anything.

I won't.

Okay.

You just relax and feel better, okay?

Okeydokey.

Hey, Walden. Guess what?

What?

I'm peeing right now.

No kidding.

But it's okay.

There's a tube attached to my wiener.

I don't think there is.

Oh...

Men...

My God. He's going to be okay? Yeah.

He just needs to take it easy.

I don't know what I would do

if anything happened to him.

I've already lost my good son!

Do you happen to know if they validate parking?

So, are those tubes putting stuff in

or taking stuff out?

I think a little bit of both.

Oh, I get it.

It's like eating on the toilet.

: So, what did the doctor say?

Uh, he just said he needs to take it easy.

You know, no stress.

Then I guess we shouldn't tell him

about what happened at school.

No, we definitely should not.

Honest to God, someone put that pot in my locker.

Why would they do that?

That, my friend, is the million-dollar question.

Look, Lyndsey,

I know you're his girlfriend,

and I know you'd like to take care of him, but...

I kind of feel responsible for this.

And I'd like him to stay with me until he recovers.

Fine. Let's go get some coffee.

Men...