Mom

Jill, you're a seven, right?

If I'm a seven, you're a four.

Meow!

I meant your shoe size.

Oh. In that case, yes.

And sorry for snappin' at ya.

When you have your hair down and gloss those lips,

you're a solid six.

Thanks. I was just hoping to borrow some cowboy boots.

She's got a date with a hillbilly.

- He's not a hillbilly. - He's taking you country line dancing,

so he's a hillbilly from the early '90s.

Hey, it's still cool to line dance.

I take a line dance aerobics class.

And who's cooler than Marjorie?

I've got a date with a coordinated man who has a penis.

I'd do the polka, if that's what it took.

Do you even have a clue how to line dance?

Yeah. You wear cute boots and dance in a line.

Ugh. Oh, I did not just hear that.

You are gonna lose that fella to a gal who knows

how to tush push you right out of a two wall formation change.

A two wall what?

All right. Line up, ladies.

Let's show Christy a little country heat.

Shouldn't we stretch first?

I got to tinkle.

No, no time.

The Gamblers Anonymous people will be here any minute,

and I owe one of them a couple hundred dollars.

Okay, now, this is your basic step.

Follow my lead.

Five, six. Five, six, seven, eight.

Step, back, side, touch. Step, back, side, touch.

Pivot, pivot.

Kick ball change, twist, twist...

Oh, dear Lord, how were you ever a stripper?

You put glitter on your boobs and Def Leppard's playing.

Nobody's looking at your feet.

Hello?

Yeah, this is she.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Okay, well, thanks for calling.

- Who was that? - Uh, some lawyer. My mother's dead.

Pivot, pivot.

Kick ball change...

What?

- You doin' all right? - Yeah. Why?

Bonnie, we're your friends.

Knock, knock, let us in.

What? You mean my mother?

I barely knew the woman. I'm fine.

I wish this was a true medium rare, but I'm fine.

You're not sad that she died?

No, but you seem to be snottin' it up pretty good.

Okay, I got a little more information.

She was in the hospital, she didn't suffer, she went quick.

Not quick enough.

- Oh, Bonnie... - Oh, Wendy!

And her landlord wants everything out of the apartment.

So I guess we're going to San Francisco.

- Pass. - Pass?

They can dump her stuff in the bay, for all I care.

- Oh, Bonnie... - That's two!

You don't want to find out what happens at three!

You don't.

This is all very fresh.

But when you have a little distance,

you might regret not going and getting some closure.

Might help you get rid of some of that anger.

- What anger? - But it's your...

Do not say “mother”!

A mother is someone who sticks around, day in, day out,

and pays the price, like I did with her.

- Well, you didn't exactly... - Not the time.

Her mother just died, her burger's not pink in the middle,

and she's about to punch Wendy.

- Couldn't sleep? - No.

And I was so hoping you'd come downstairs

so we could have a deep, life-affirming talk about it.

Kiss my ass.

You know, you might not care that you lost your mother,

but I lost my grandmother.

If I kiss your ass, will you leave me alone?

You do understand we're never gonna see this woman again.

And you understand we never saw her before.

Christy, if you and I

had never reconnected and I died, would you have mourned me?

Yes, I would have.

Oh, come on. Those years we weren't speaking,

did you even think about me at all?

Every day.

- Really? - Yes.

You never called.

For 18 months, you didn't have phone privileges.

Give me one good reason why I should go to San Francisco

and rummage around that old woman's apartment.

And don't give me any of that emotional closure crap.

Maybe you could find some stuff to sell.

You should've led with that. I'm in.

Hello, Wendy's next birthday present.

Good news... we inherited a closet full of soap operas

and a VHS player that was... Get this... built in America.

Aw.

She liked soap operas.

I bet she watched them to fill her lonely life.

Oh, grow up, Bambi.

The only reason we're here is to find crap we can sell.

That's your reason.

I came here to learn about my grandmother.

Let me give you a thumbnail: she smoked Camels,

wore clogs, and gave away her daughter.

Hey, Cranky, I think you need to eat.

Maybe there's something in the fridge.

Yeah, probably a six-pack of Ensure and some radishes.

Ooh, even better, a shriveled lemon and some batteries.

Aw, she liked lemons.

Probably to put in the tea that she drank

while she watched her stories.

Stop it!

Why can't this be like in the movies,

where I wear a black suit and a veil

and pretend to cry into a hanky while a lawyer hands me a check,

and... Oh, my God, you're not gonna believe what I found.

If it's a dead cat, lie to me.

It's a big bag of cash. Look!

If it's a dead cat, I am gonna kill you.

No, it really is a big bag of cash!

Oh, Mommy, I knew you were looking out for me!

I've got $2,438. You?

I got $673.

- Really? - Sorry.

Old habit. $3,084.

Oh, my God.

Altogether, that's, um...

Carry the six...

Let's just say we have between five and six grand.

- “We”? - Yeah, “we.”

I don't mean to pull rank here, but she was my mother.

You wouldn't even know about the money

if I hadn't dragged you down here.

You just came so you could fence her toaster.

We're still doing that.

Come on, grab the boxes, I'll take the cash.

Nice try.

Let's just go.

It's kind of sad.

The woman lived her whole life, and all she had to show for it

were a few tchotchkes and a wad of cash.

- And me. - I was including you as a tchotchke.

- Who are you? - Who are you?

This is my mother's place.

Oh, my God.

Have we been cleaning out the wrong apartment?

Who exactly is your mother?

Shirley Stabler.

Wow. Grandma just got a lot more interesting.

Not so fast. I know this hustle.

- What hustle? - You scan the obits,

find out about an old lady that's dead,

show up to her apartment claiming to be a relative.

- Who does that? - I've done it.

Yeah. It works every time.

Except when you get sloppy. My mother was white.

So was mine.

Look, here.

This is my mother with my father.

Wow.

There's Grandma with a... black man.

I'm sorry. That was weird.

I don't know why I whispered.

We have black friends.

I'm sorry, I'm gonna need some proof, Miss... ?

You first.

Ray Stabler.

- Bonnie Plunkett. - Christy Plunkett.

Unfortunately, the only proof I can show you is a picture

of the fire station she dumped me at when I was four.

Here's the e-mail we got from a lawyer.

This is crazy.

Are you saying you're my... sister?

I'm not sayin' nothin' to nobody.

Unbelievable.

I saw her in the hospital right before she passed,

and she never mentioned a daughter.

Just said, “Look in the freezer.”

Well, that makes no sense.

- Dementia, huh? - Cancer.

Same thing.

So, uh, let me get this straight. She kept you?

I guess it's not what you want to hear, but, yes, she did.

Wow. Even from the grave,

she's finding new ways to stick it to me.

Frozen peas?

Why would she want me to find these?

Eh, you know, mothers and vegetables.

Excuse me, I got to take this.

Yeah, Lorraine.

- Put him on. - Can you believe this?

She didn't want the girl but kept the boy?