Hung

Episode 1x02 - 'Great Sausage' or 'Can I Call You Dick?'

As Yogi Berra used to say,

when you come to a fork in the road, take it.

- Stanley, I just heard. - Me too.

They told you to clear out your desk? They didn't give you any notice?

Nothing.

- That means there's no art department. - Gone.

Stanley, call me. I'll buy you a beer.

Thanks, Mike.

What's that on your neck?

I got a bruise or something?

- Looks like a hickey. - A hickey? No.

Come on, I'm divorced, Mike.

- Can you see it now? - Kind of.

- Too bad about Stanley, huh? - I was just talking to him.

This is bad. They're cutting everything.

- Think they're gonna lay us off next? - No, Mike.

Basketball is more important than art.

You never know. It's nonessential.

Baloney. They're not gonna cut sports.

- You have any deodorant? - Deodorant?

I got some baby powder.

Coach Drecker is needed in the principal's office.

Coach Drecker.

Tanya, I've left you three messages already.

Watch it, Landgraf!

Call me back, please. This is serious. Everybody's getting canned around here.

They're looking for excuses to fire people.

And I've got a fucking hickey.

Megan.

Rhonda.

Hey, Coach. Mind closing the door?

Not at all.

Listen, if it's about the losing streak,

I'm sorry.

I mean...

I've been working my heart out with these kids.

And sometimes a coach has to plant seeds

that are gonna be harvested at a later date.

You know?

Sometimes it's just bad luck.

Timing.

Fate.

It's not about the losing streak.

What's it about then?

It's disturbing when I think about

how the kids look up to you, Ray.

They love you.

You're supposed to be a role model.

Oh, man.

How did things get so fucked up in only one week?

See? That's all mold and mildew. The stench is gonna be unbearable.

All this here has got to be gutted to the bones.

You do the work cheap, you'll never get rid of that smell.

- So how much? - I could probably get you done for 30.

- Maybe 25 grand. - Come on, Brian.

We played ball together, man.

Wolves of '84.

- Give me the wolf pack price. - 30 is the competitive price.

- You just said 25. - I said 25 or 30.

Come on, Brian. Give me a break, man.

You know how much mortgage I pay on this thing? Plus the penalties.

The wolf pack price... 25.

10% to start, all right?

That's what I kick myself for the most...

The loan.

See, my parents gave us this house free and clear.

They bought it when a view of trees and water

wasn't something you paid $1 million to get.

Now our turn at bat, and what do we do?

We get a home equity loan with this deal I bet my parents never heard of

called adjustable rate mortgage...

Or an A.R.M.

An arm that's now got its hand around my throat.

Yeah, fuck it. I'm not blaming anyone.

You're not gonna eat anything? Sure you don't want some of my sausage?

I don't eat sausage.

And I don't like corporate chain restaurants.

All right.

You know who's got great sausage? Home depot.

No kidding.

Okay, Ray.

This is what I've come up with.

It's our concept, our logo.

- What do we need a logo for? - Could you look at it for a second?

Do you like it?

It's supposed to be spray-painted. It's not meant to be fine art.

What does this have to do with happiness?

"Happiness consultant" is a key component

to our marketing plan.

I might even call it the secret to our success.

Now our goal is for women to see happiness

but think great sex.

I don't think that's gonna be hard 'cause for a lot of women

happiness and great sex are the same thing.

Now do you approve of this budget right here?

Wardrobe, $800.

Webmaster, website expenses, $1,000.

Viral marketing, $1,500.

Sure, Tanya. Are you on crack?

Ray, you have to spend money to make money.

It's my job to have a vision.

I think your job was to set things up and take 10%.

50%.

That's how these things work. Ask any musician or hairdresser.

The commission's negotiable. 40%.

Okay, 30.

It's fine, whatever.

The point is we have to think big.

I know we might have to start with baby steps,

but my goal is for us to be pulling down a couple thousand dollars a night.

You think I'm that good?

Maybe, if you work on your technique a little bit.

A little bit.

My technique is fine, Tanya.

All right?

I've been pleasing women for decades now.

You're not my only screamer.

I'm just saying that you might need a little training.

In the foreplay department.

That's original. Tell the man he needs more foreplay.

You ever thought maybe it's just you?

Maybe you've been reading too many needy magazines.

Look, I'm sorry.

But what proof do I have that you're a good pimp, Tanya?

All right, as it so happens, Ray, I have an in.

- An in? - An in.

Thank you. I love it.

Lenore, I'm sorry to interrupt.

Are you gonna get to these changes soon?

'Cause not everybody is quitting tomorrow.

Shit. I forgot.

You want a piece of cake?

I'm sorry, T-Brain.

Bet you're gonna be glad to see me go.

No, I'll miss your lively energy.

And I'm gonna miss you, Tanya. You're one of a kind.

What does that mean, "one of a kind"?

Well, you never say to yourself who gives a crap

about this shitty temp job or if this puke shit gets done.

No, no, that's not true. No, I say that to myself all the time.

I mean, I don't give a hoot about S.E.C. compliance.

Then why are you still here?

- T-Brain? - Don't ask.

She sounds like a bitch.

She's not a bitch, Ray. I hate that word.

She is the linchpin of our strategy.

Now I ran into her at the mall

and she's a professional shopper now.

You get paid for that?

Rich women pay her to pick out their clothes.

It's pretty good. Clean.

But it's not very complex. Why don't you try the mocha,

maybe I'll let you have one of those belts you're so in love with.

So these clients of yours,

whatever you want them to buy they just buy?

Pretty much.

My ladies are so loaded they're recession-proof.

You know,

I'm planning on leaving Wagner & Finch too.

Maybe start a business.

Oh my God,

you're still working there?

I thought you'd be like a social worker or something by now.

I have an M.F.A., Lenore.

You'll be like another product she can recommend to her clients.

I haven't talked to her yet, but I really think she might go for it.

- What do you think? - I think you're insane.

I think I'm insane. I think this whole plan is nuts.

I also think I'm broke,

my ex-wife is up my ass

and hell, I want my kids back.

So yeah, what the hell, go for it.

I always wanted to be a product when I grew up.

All right.

All right, call me later.

"Damn the torpedoes." Who said it and why?

That's for tomorrow.

- Dad. - Hey, guys.

- It's bad. - What's bad?

- It's really bad. - Yeah, bad like crazy.

Look at her. Mrs. Gao is putty in her hands.

Mom wants Mrs. Gao to give Darb a solo.

- So? What's wrong with that? - She's blackmailing her.

Her and Ronnie raise like half her budget.

All right, yeah.

Your mom is trying, guys.

She wants to be a part of your lives. You should be happy she's a booster.

No, I don't deserve a solo, okay?

The world does not need to be exposed to my voice.

Just calm down, Darby. I hear you.

I think you have a beautiful voice.

Just fix the house, okay?

Yeah, dad. We want to live with you.

I'm trying. I'm working on it.

Who knew chorus could be so political?

Lenore, hi. It's Tanya.

T-Brain. Is this a bad time?

What do you want, T-Brain?

Well, remember how I told you I'm going into business?