Two and a Half Men

Previously on:

I know that I said that I wanted

to get rid of her and have you come back... Oh, no!

I'm just going to have to make it work. No, no, no, no, no!

I'm sorry!

Okay, I'll figure something out.

If nothing else, I am a survivor.

Doctor said you had a little heart attack.

Yeah, I remember now.

Zoey's moving in, and I'm moving out.

No...

No... you're not moving out.

I'm not? No, you can stay as long as you want,

as long as you need.

Oh, that's... that's so good to hear.

* Men.

Really, you don't have to carry my bags.

Alan, you had a heart attack, okay?

You need to take it easy.

Well, I appreciate it, but I'm fine.

Whoa, do not say that.

Why not?

Let me tell you about my Grandma Abigail.

When I was a kid, she came to move in with us.

And one day I said, "How ya doing, Grandma?"

And she said, "Fine." And then she dropped dead.

You're kidding.

No, face down in my Legos.

Well, that's terrible.

But I'm fine. Do not say that!

My Uncle Hal?

When I was a kid, he used to spend Thanksgivings with us,

and one year, we're at dinner and...

you know, like football and turkey and the whole bit,

and I said, "How ya doing, Uncle Hal?"

And he said, "Fine."

And then he went to the bathroom,

and he crapped out his small intestines.

Oh, oh... okay, t-that's horrible,

but I promise you, I am fine.

Surprise!

I told you not to say it!

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

* Men.

Somebody call 911.

Gotcha. (chuckles)

Oh...

Alan, don't you ever do that to me again.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

So all you guys came just to welcome me back?

Of course we did, darling. We were worried about you.

Yeah, I've been beside myself with concern.

I don't know what to say. I'm really touched.

Come here, Alan.

Sit down. I made you some tea.

Wait, did you just call me Alan?

Well, that's your name, isn't it?

Yeah, but you always call me Zippy.

I know, but I've got a little rule.

I never make fun of someone who could come back and haunt me.

Sugar or honey?

I thought we decided on Alan?

Alan, are you warm enough?

You want me to turn up the heat?

I'm fine... Okay.

Why don't you just lay down.

Uh, no, really, I'm good. I've been in bed for a week.

Do it for me.

Uh, okay, but let me just point out

that that never works when I say it to you.

Guess what. While you were in the hospital,

I aced all my final exams.

Really?! I don't believe it!

I told you he wouldn't buy it.

Wait, wait, wait. You lied to me?

Uh, I told him to. I thought the truth might kill you.

But there is some real good news, What's that?

I found out for sure I'm not gay.

But why's that good news?

It's mostly good news for gay people.

A-A-All right, look, I appreciate

all the trouble you're taking to welcome me home,

but if you don't mind, I'd just like to go back to my room.

Oh, you heard him.

He wants to go to his room. Here, Zoey.

Take the tea.

Walden, I can walk on my own.

That's what my blind Aunt Shirley said.

And then we went to Miami

on Christmas vacation,

and then "blam!"

Greyhound came out of nowhere and flattened her.

She got hit by a bus?

No, she wandered onto the dog track

in the middle of the ninth race.

Technically, she came in third.

Anyway, I got a little surprise for you.

Oh, Walden, you've already done so much.

I don't know what else you could possibly... (gasps)

A real bed! Yeah.

It's not just a bed. Get on it. Check it out.

Oh, my golly.

Ah... Oo-ho-ho-ho!

The bed is becoming tumescent.

Yeah...!

Pretty cool, huh?

See, so you don't have to exert yourself

when you're getting in and out.

Ah! Oh,

and what pray tell is that?

That is a 46" high-definition plasma screen TV,

complete with a deluxe sports satellite package

Nice! No movies?

No, we could switch it to a movie package.

Or you can add it.

Oh, okay, we'll add it.

And don't forget the adult channels.

No problem.

You have to ask for them specifically.

Otherwise they block them.

Right.

Hey, why don't you take a nap until dinner?

I'm not tired.

That's what my cousin Earl said

right before he fell asleep with a cigarette in his hand.

Set his bed on fire?

No, his fireworks stand.

I was standing across the street yelling at him to wake up

when the first rocket went off, followed by 800 Roman candles.

It was horrifying and really cool at the same time.

Okay, I'll take a nap.

Good, good, good, you just...

I don't want you to do anything.

Just relax and get better.

That's a nice thought, Walden,

but I got a lot of work to do.

I got bills to pay.

No, don't worry about the bills.

I'll take care of everything.

Walden, I can't let you just take care of everything.

Listen, I made a promise to myself when I was 11 years old

and salmonella decimated my father's entire side

of the family at the annual Easter egg hunt.

Nobody else dies on my watch.

Poor guy, living with all that guilt.

I can exploit that.

* Men.

How come you're not coming over?

I can't. I have Ava.

Why don't you come over here?

I can't. I have Alan.

Oh, for God's sake.

Well, he had a heart attack, Zoey.

Oh, bollocks.

He's going to outlive us all.

A week after nuclear Armageddon, the world will be populated

by nothing but cockroaches and Alan Harper.

Wow, that is a side of you that is not attractive.

It's the lawyer side of me.

Yeah, yuck.

Look, I see these kind of scam artists all the time

and I don't want you being taken advantage of.

I am just taking care of my friend.

No, you are providing food, shelter, and satellite TV

to a cockroach.

Hello, anybody?

Getting kind of hungry in here.

Uh, B-Berta, Alan's hungry.

Is his dinner ready yet?

Coming up.

Really?

He gets room service?

Did I ever tell you about my Aunt Phyllis?

When I was a kid she took me on a trip to New York,

and we were staying at the Waldorf-Astoria,

and she didn't want to wait for room service,

so she headed down to the restaurant

and she fell 24 stories down an empty elevator shaft.

We never got to see Cats.

So you're afraid Alan is going to fall into an elevator shaft?

Don't poke at it, Zoey. The wound is still fresh.

Come in.

Did my little buddy save room for dessert?

I sure did, Skipper.

Good, 'cause I made your favorite.

Peach cobbler? Yep.

Warm with ice cream?

I'll be right back.

I'm not going anywhere.

Okay, let's see what's on those adult channels.

Avatart.

Oh, in 3D.

(music playing over television, knocking on door)

Oh, to be continued.

Come in.

Hey, you.

Judith, what a, what a nice surprise.

How are you feeling?

Not bad, all things considered.