The New Normal

Here we go.

I'll be right back with some *** and red pepper,

and let me know if there's anything else I can get you.

Just a defibrillator and a cardiac needle.

I know this restaurant is a little *** than what you guys are used to,

but Shania wanted to go to *** Italian place where they serve

real *** dressing Breadstix to make her big surprise announcement.

That's okay, you know, I read the other day

that Americans are eating too many vegetables.

So this is great.

Thank you all for coming.

It is very important to me

that you be the first to know about my life change.

This boy at my school, Wilbur...

mom, you know the one with the really intense eyes...

he came up to me at recess, and at first,

I thought he was gonna throw a red ball at my head...

he's such a flirt... but instead...

Shania,

we've been friends for how long now?

Three, three and a half weeks?

Feels like four.

I don't really understand how time works.

I got a check minus on that section,

but I want to spend my whole life with you.

I know you might have to go back to the midwest,

but I can't let you leave without telling you how I feel.

You make me want to be a better boy.

Shania, will you pretend marry me?

I'm getting pretend married.

We're registered at toys "r" us.

What is happening?

Bryan: He put a ring on it.

Shania's pretend wedding is so romantic.

Hmm.

What?

What are you thinking about?

I can't believe you've never been here before.

I would've brought you here like, three dates ago.

Isn't it fun being with all the beautiful people?

I only see one.

Oh, my God, it's Ben Affleck and J. Lo.

I predict they're gonna get married

and have beautiful, soy latte-complexioned babies.

Is that Madonna and Guy Ritchie?

Oh, my God, I've been reading people magazine because of you.

I'm so proud of you. It's where I get all of my news.

They're like, the perfect couple.

Till death do they part.

No, I read that Madonna can't die.

She had that procedure done.

Oh, yeah. I want to get married someday

and live happily ever after, don't you?

Sure, I also want to be a seven-foot-tall center

for the Chicago bulls, but that's not gonna happen.

I don't know what that means. Marriage for guys like us, it's a fantasy.

Gay people can have fabulous commitment ceremonies,

but until it's sanctioned

by the U.S. government,

it's nothing more than just playing house.

Yeah, but the emotions are real.

I mean, it's still a declaration of love.

Until every single consenting adult in this country

can marry whomever they choose,

I refuse to even consider getting married.

That's so unromantic.

But so political and Harvey milk hot.

Um, okay, so marriage is off the table.

What about kids?

That, I'd be interested in...

With the right guy.

Bryan, what are you thinking about?

Nothing.

Bumblebee, it's almost 9:00.

Helmet lights out.

You should be sleeping, not mining for coal.

Sorry, mom.

I just had to finish sketching my wedding dress.

I was thinking it could be made out of autumn leaves,

symbolizing Wilbur's and my willingness

to grow and change with life's tempestuous seasons.

Plus, they make a funny crunch sound.

Honey, having a pretend wedding is kind of a big deal.

You sure Wilbur's ready to be a one-girl boy?

Mom, I'm not you and Wilbur's not dad.

We love each other.

Don't you remember how you felt

when you first got engaged?

Hit a Turkey, baby.

If I throw a strike, will you marry me, baby?

No, I'm serious.

My belly is as big as that bowling ball.

Is that why you're asking?

You know, 'cause you have to?

Yes. Oh.

Yes, 'cause I have

to be with you every single day of my life.

Always and forever, with or without this baby we made.

I love you, Goldie, and I want you to be my wife.

I love you, too.

Yes.

Yes, I'll marry you, for better or worse.

You know what, baby, you're right.

You can't stop love.

So you'll make my dress?

If you promise me one thing:

No sex until you're at least 25.

I couldn't possibly earn a doctorate until then.

Plus Wilbur and I talked

about living in the French wine country for at least a year

before even discussing kids.

Get some sleep.

Love is the most wonderful feeling of them all.

Ooh. Ooh.

Hamachi tartare on crisped wonton,

chipotle marinated flank steak,

and my favorite, the lamb slider.

Now, the lamb might get a little breathy,

but we can have a mint amuse bouche on hand if need be.

Got it.

My dad can't afford a new leg.

These all look so foreign.

Were you up all night making them, rocky?

No, but I was up all night hating my life.

Okay, so I've ordered the gardenias,

I sent out the invitations.

Now, Goldie, where are we with the dress?

Uh, I think I'll just make her something myself.

Okay, so we're gonna need a dress.

What's going on?

We're planning my wedding.

I thought it was a pretend wedding.

It is, but it's a real pretend wedding.

Duh, David.

You take that crazy Baton.

I am going to go have a drink.

Bryan, mmm-hmm?

Can I talk to you for a second? Yes.

Let me know if that's too chewy.

A wedding?

A real wedding?

With flowers and food and a dress?

I'm surprised you didn't hire a monkey to be the ring bearer.

I tried, but the only one in town is booked on some TV show.

Bryan, Shania is a nine-year-old girl with a crush.

If she wanted a fantasy playground wedding, I get it.

But not everybody wants what you want.

This is becoming the social event of the season.

Oh, from your lips.

Question: Do the Kardashians have any school-age children?

Can someone please explain to me what the hell this is?

Oh, yeah, that's Shania's wedding invitation.

We wanted to do a customized presentation box,

but there just wasn't enough time.

And we couldn't agree on a ribbon.

Why are you doing this to Shania?

Oh, Nana, it's just a pretend wedding.

No, see, that's what these gays do.

They "pretend"

you can define what marriage is.

Today it's two children.

Tomorrow, it's the banana polishers.

Next thing you know, they're gonna have

a wedding for their dog.

Actually, we had a commitment ceremony

for smelly and mabel, the schuler's boxer,

last spring, and that beef bouillon fountain went over big.

: Not helping.

Marriage is not for dogs,

it is not for children,

and I'm sorry, boys, but it is not for you.

Mrs. Forrest, there was a time not too long ago,

when it was illegal for black people to marry white people.

Kept things organized.

When the state of California

finally makes gay marriage legal,

my partner and I will be getting married, right, David?

Right?

I don't know.

Aw, cinderfella.

Looks like that glass slipper doesn't fit.

And this sham wedding isn't happening, either.

Bryan, Willow Smith just rsvp'd.

It's gonna be a no.

Well, this is the worst day ever.

Okay. I have personally hand-picked

each and every one of you girls

because I've seen the Romney sticker on your parents' car.

That, and you know how to sit

with your legs together.

We have ourselves a very big problem, ladies,

and I need the help of every one of you future one million moms.

Now, I'm sure you've heard your parents speak to you

about the sanctity of marriage.

Sure, marriage is between Adam and Eve,

not Adam and Steve.

That is very good, Reagan.

Gay marriage is currently legal

in six states.

My mom says that's six too many.