1408

...reckless sinful way throughout this life.

The Lord has told me

that the open gates of Hell

are yawning up widely in our path.

Yes, the flames

of perpetual damnation

are ever ready to grasp our souls.

We know the way of the righteous man.

Yeah, we know the prayer

of the righteous man.

I'm telling you that the Lord has spoken.

Yes, the Lord has spoken to me.

Hi.

Mike Enslin. Checking in.

Honey. Mr. Enslin.

We were afraid you weren't going to show.

Oh it's such an honor to have you here.

- Terrible night out there. - If I could just get the key,

I'll settle in and we can talk in the morning after...

You probably want to hear all about our haunted history.

Well, this staircase here, this is where the maid

reputedly hung herself in 1860.

- Oh. - There's a picture!

- Can we do this in the morning? - Wait wait.

It's printed in our brochure.

- Did we send you one of these? - Uh, probably did.

- Do you see her in the window? - Yeah, there she is.

That's a photo that a guest took in 1986.

In your letter you mentioned that the rooms

with the most paranormal activity

were in the attic. Could I have one of those rooms?

That's right, because the attic is on the third floor

which is the former servant's quarters.

People say that all of Sylvia's children

died up there of tuberculosis.

- All of them? - Guests have reported strange sounds.

At the stroke of midnight there's been weird noises.

Now our best advice is to lock your door from the inside.

- Isn't that right, honey? - That's right.

You take care, you just lock it from the inside.

I will.

As soon as you give me the key.

I'm so... right. Got it right here.

- Number 14, you can't miss it. - Been a long drive.

- Good luck. - All right, we'll see

what the night brings.

Mrs. Clark, the proprietor,

says she hasn't slept a night

since acquiring the inn and I believe her.

No no no, I pity her.

But in any case, the eggs Benedict are delicious

and if you call in advance, Mrs. Clark says

she will bake her famous flourless chocolate cake.

On a Shiver Scale, I award the Weeping Beach Inn six skulls.

Screw 'em, five skulls.

Oh hey.

How's it going? Can I help you?

Yeah, I'm here for the big event.

All right. Cool.

I'm Mike Enslin.

Sorry?

- Book signing. - Oh, right.

Oh, that's you, yeah. I see the resemblance, yeah.

- That's a good picture. - Thanks, man.

All right, hold on.

Um... attention, book lovers.

Tonight we have noted occult writer

Michael Enslin

at the Author's Corner tonight.

He's the writer of the best-selling ghost survival guides,

um... with such titles as "10 Haunted Hotels,"

"10 Haunted Graveyards,"

"10 Haunted Lighthouses."

That's tonight, 7:00 pm.

Anyway, so I really enjoyed writing it,

and that's kind of a history of the book.

And I hope you enjoy it, or enjoyed it.

Uh, you know, stay scared.

Right? Any questions?

Where's the scariest place you've ever been?

Scariest place I've ever been?

Uh, I've never heard that question before.

- That's a joke. - ( CHUCKLES )

Well, all these places have very colorful histories.

Um...

I would say, if I had to pick a top one,

I would say Bar Harbor,

the site of the grisly McTeig wedding night murders.

That's an intense place. Or maybe St. Cloud, Minnesota,

where the crazed war widow threw her baby down a well.

I mean, those all have a lot of... I mean, it's thick.

- The air is thick. - What about poltergeists?

Look, I'm a good researcher. I go into every gig locked and loaded.

I travel with an EMF meter, full-range spectrometer,

infrared camera. I mean, look, nothing would make me happier

than to experience a paranormal event,

you know, to get a glimpse of the elusive light

at the end of the tunnel.

So you're saying there's no such thing as ghosts?

I'm saying I've never seen one,

but they're awful convenient for desperate hotels

- when the interstate moves away. - ( KNOCKING )

This thing has really gone off the rails. Who has a pen?

- I do. - Which one?

Uh, but seriously, Mike, if I want to see a real live ghost,

where's my best bet?

- Guaranteed? - Yeah.

Haunted Mansion, Orlando.

Awesome, thanks.

- Stay scared. - Thank you.

Hey, Ray, can you lock up?

I got band practice tonight.

Holy shit.

What rock did you find that under?

- Um, eBay. - EBay, huh?

- ( GIRL LAUGHS) - How much did it go for?

Well, there weren't many bidders.

I would think not.

- Wow. - But it's, um...

- an amazing book. - Oh.

Um, so... unique

and inspirational and honest.

Thanks. What's your name?

- Um, Anna. - Okay, Anna.

Are you gonna write another one like this one?

Nah, it's a different guy.

Um...

- can I ask you a question? - Sure.

Um, the relationship in the book

with the father and the son... It's probably too personal,

- but, um, it's so authentic and... - Mm-hm.

Well-constructed, and...

is it true?

No.

Well, thank you for this. I really appreciate it.

My pleasure.

Bye.

Good boy! Yo, homey...

Just a minute, Tiffany!

Yeah, I'm just gonna tie it inside my suit here.

Yo, Greg, check him out!

Did you see what happened?

Oh yeah.

Are you okay, buddy?

- Hey, are you breathing? - (COUGHS)

No! Serious as a heart attack.

- ( HORN HONKS ) - ( SEAGULLS SQUAWKING )

We got 325. That is back here, I think.

Uh-huh.

This is the one. Sign on the line, please, sir.

Oh, you mean right here?

- Have yourself a beautiful day. - Thank you.

- Thank you very much. - Hey, man, you've been gone a while.

- Hey, Jackson, what's up? - Oh by the way, dude,

I read your last book... The "10 Haunted Mansions" thing.

Man, that's some scary shit.

Cool.

Later on, dude.

- Hi. - Hi, how you doing?

Good.

Thanks.

That's cute.

Good evening, Dolphin Hotel.

How might I direct your call?

Yeah, hi, I'm calling about room 1408.

One moment please, sir.

How may I help you?

Yeah, I'd like to stay in room 1408 please.

That room is unavailable, sir.

I didn't tell you which date.

How about Saturday?

It's unavailable.

The following Tuesday?

Unavailable.

Next month?

Unavailable.

Next summer?

Somebody, anybody, where's good Chinese near 48th?

I got to have lunch with that idiot from Random House. Anybody?

Sam, Mike Enslin calling from Los Angeles again.

I'll take it in there.

Clay, you got a sec for Mike Enslin?

- Say yes. - Yes.

Great. Now look, this guy tends to get a little morose,

so try to keep the energy up. Otherwise he stews in his own funk.

- Mike! Hey, Sam.

Hey hey, read the first five chapters last night.

Spooky shit, couldn't sleep a wink.

Great. Hey, did you take care of that thing?

You'd better believe I did. And I got our top lawyer here right now.

Mike, Clay, Clay, Mike.

- Hi, Clay. - Ike.

Talk fast, all right? This guy's $400 an hour.

All right, Clay, what's up with the Dolphin?

Yeah, the Dolphin.

That stick-up-its-ass relic on Lexington.

Too posh for a free plug, right?

Well, you are gonna love what Clay's cooked up.