Baby Daddy

Huh? Amazing, right?

- Yeah. - Bathroom.

Bedrooms.

Nice.

Views of other bedrooms and bathrooms.

I really appreciate you letting me crash here, bud.

Are you kidding? You're doing us a favor.

No flush Tony just moved out last week.

You're sure this isn't a problem?

Seriously, the best day of my life

was when I heard you got traded to the rangers.

You're family. My place is your place, man.

Technically, it's my place.

Okay, and next time I say,

"Hey, let me help you with that,"

let's try "No thanks, I got it."

You look like an eater.

So, just so we're clear,

the left side of the fridge is mine.

I got it. Tucker, come on.

My brother and my best friend--

It's never gonna get any better than this.

The three of us together,

there's nothing that's gonna stop us.

Except for maybe that.

There's a baby on my doormat.

where did it come from?

I don't know.

But whoever left it, they couldn't have gotten far.

Stay there, baby.

Make sure she stays there!

I'm just saying,

for a woman who just had a baby,

she moves remarkably fast.

How could she just leave her here?

Ben, you gotta calm down, okay?

I'm sure she's not even your baby.

Exactly, it could just as easily

be your baby, right?

Not so much, no.

And I've only been in town an hour.

I mean, I'm fast, but...

I'm not that fast.

This is not my baby.

Wait, wait, wait!

Guys, we got a note.

Her name's Emma.

I don't know any Emmas.

The baby's name is Emma.

Hi, Emma.

Hey, Ben. Did I ever tell you

about that hot waitress I went out with named Emma?

Danny, focus!

The mother.

- Oh, yeah. - Who's the mother?

Sorry, um,

Angela.

Angela!

- Of course. - That's right.

Who is Angela?

She was nice. Actress.

That girl was crazy.

Does it say anything else?

Uh, she's sorry.

She didn't know what else to do.

And she just needs a little time.

Time? How much time?!

And that would be the perfect amount of time.

Oh.

That's Riley.

I gave her a call while you were outside.

Riley?

Fatpants Perrin?

What's she doing here?

You have a friend named Fatpants?

Oh, I'm definitely marking my food.

No.

Riley's in law school now.

It took her a while.

I guess the LSAT's kind of tricky,

but trust me, she will know what to do.

Ri-Gantor?

Ben-wetter!

Look at you.

You look amazing.

How did that happen?

I may have lost a pound or two.

Hundred.

You sat on my head and gave me

a concussion, remember?

Tuck, Riley. Riley, Tucker.

Hi.

Riley grew up across the street from us

and used to kick the crap out of Ben

every day of his life.

Oh, and congrats on the law school thing.

- Thanks. - Don't worry--I know a bunch

of people that had a hard time getting in.

- Ow, ow, ow, ow! - Why did you tell him that?

I didn't do anything.

Oh.

Hey.

Hey, it's okay, princess.

Aren't you gonna pick her up?

Me?

What, you guys see breasts

and instantly think mommy?

Okay, fine.

Hi.

Okay.

Come here, angel.

Oh.

Hi.

Believe me,

I know how scary it is to wake up

in a strange place.

I'm just making conversation.

Are you hungry?

I bet you're hungry, huh?

Let's see what you got--

Is this all you brought with you?

Oh, well, that's okay.

We'll just send one of these boys out

for provisions and--

Oh...

I think somebody needs her diaper changed.

I'll go to the store.

Yeah, I'm going, too.

No.

Boys are so stupid, aren't they?

Yes, they are.

They're so stupid.

Yes, they are.

All right, so then you just

stick the tabs down,

and voila,

she's good to go.

Oh.

Hold her while I get her bottle ready,

- would you? - Uh, me?

I'm not really a baby person.

Hold her.

Whee!

Isn't this fun?

There you go.

All right.

Want to maybe, uh,

take a step over here?

Is she okay?

Uh-huh.

Have a seat.

Oh.

Nice and easy.

Ah.

Is she having fun?

Yeah.

You guys look comfy.

I can't believe this is happening.

I'm not ready to be a dad.

What if Angela never comes back?

Oh, my God, taste this.

Yo.

Chicken, carrots, and pasta.

Okay?

All in this little jar.

It's like, gross,

yet oddly delicious.

Come on, man. It's gonna be okay.

How do you know?

I don't, but it's all I got.

Excuse me,

how old is your baby?

Oh, um...

That's a good question.

I met Angela at that party in the village...

- Mm. - And we dated for maybe six weeks

before we were...

Intimate.

And she broke up with me

pretty much right after that.

I'm sure there was no correlation.

So, we're into August now,

and they take, like, nine months

once they're up and running.

I think so.

So...

Three months.

Three months!

My baby's three months old.

Mm-mm.

- Put this back. - What?

She ain't got no teeth.

Put it back.

So, the first thing Ben has to do

is take a paternity test.

I mean,

though it's pretty obvious she's his.

Same smile,

same ears,

same little sparkly fleck of yellow