Two and a Half Men

You and Judith were meant for each other.

What could possibly come between you?

My sister.

You got a sister?

You know what, Herb? Judith can relax.

I'm going to check into a hotel.

Myra, no, you don't have to do that.

Yes, she does.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait-- you don't have to stay at a hotel.

I've got plenty of room at my place.

Yeah, I'll bet you do.

No strings attached.

Why can't I sleep in my bed?

Aunt Myra's not there.

I'm sure she will be.

She's probably just getting something in the kitchen.

(bed springs squeaking ryhthmically)

That's not the kitchen.

* Men... *

Thinking of chewing your arm off?

What? No, no, no, why would I do that?

I don't know, maybe because you're not horny anymore

and you just remembered I'm staying through the weekend.

You got all that from the twitching of my shoulder muscles?

I have those muscles too, Charlie.

Okay, good to know.

Well, to be honest, I did have a momentary panic reflex,

but it passed and I'm actually happy you're here.

You sound surprised.

Surprised doesn't begin to cover it.

Normally, at this point in a relationship,

I'm busy plotting the appropriate exit strategy.

For example?

Well, that would depend on whether I'm trying

to get rid of them just for today or forever.

Let's say today.

Okay, today, I have to see my dermatologist

about a little rash.

Oh, that's good.

All right, what about forever?

Turns out it wasn't a rash--

and they won't let me come home.

Impressive.

Thank you.

I'm kind of a savant.

Well, it looks like you're good at two things.

What's the other one?

Oh, right.

The piano.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

Okay, I just checked--

no one slept in my bed all night.

It's none of your business who slept where.

Excuse me, but if who sleeps in my bed

is not my business, then what is?

Let it go, Goldilocks.

Morning.

Morning.

And how many times do you have to get up to go pee?

I wasn't counting.

I was-- four.

Okay, one of those was to get a glass of water.

Well, there's your problem.

Stop topping off the tank.

What's going on?

I had to sleep in Dad's room last night,

'cause Uncle Charlie invited Aunt Myra to stay in my room, but it turns out...

Got it.

Well, do you think it's fair?

Nothing about your Uncle Charlie's life is fair, kid.

Hurry up and finish your breakfast.

We've got to get you fitted for a tux.

Why do I have to wear a tuxedo?

Because your mother's getting married

and you're in the wedding party.

Why do I have to be in the wedding party?

Because your mother still thinks you're cute.

Morning.

Morning. Morning.

Everybody get a good night's sleep?

No. No.

Say, Charlie, where's this houseguest I'm hearing about?

Uh, gee, I guess she's probably still asleep in Jake's room.

Oh, please, you are such a liar.

What?

Forget it, Charlie, we know.

You do?

We do.

Okay, well, I got a good night's sleep.

Probably because Aunt Myra doesn't pee a lot.

Can I talk to you in private?

Come on, it's no big deal.

I was in the middle of flossing

and suddenly, there she is, sitting on my bed...

Uh-uh-uh-uh.

He doesn't need to hear this.

Fine.

Like I didn't hear enough last night.

Okay, uh, let me just start

by saying I applaud the, uh... the gusto

with which you approach life.

Thank you.

Um, that being said, uh...

are you, um, out of your frickin' mind?!

Beg pardon?

You just could not control yourself.

A female's in the house-- she must be mounted.

No, it's not like that at all.

And why do you even care?

Why?! You ask me why?!

Never mind, unimportant.

I will tell you why.

Because every time you rut with any woman

even remotely connected to my life,

I end up suffering.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

Ridiculous you say?

All right, all right, let's look at the record.

Um, you slept with Judith's sister...

Well, yeah, but...

...at my wedding reception!

All right, poor timing.

You had more sex on my wedding day than I did.

That part's not my fault.

Okay, okay.

Let's jump ahead.

Uh, when Judith was divorcing me,

who seduced and then abandoned my lawyer,

causing her to take revenge on me?

Hold on, that chick was nuts.

I lost everything.

Well, to be fair, you didn't have that much to begin with.

And now...

that Judith is finally getting remarried,

and I can see the light at the end of the alimony tunnel,

you decide, "Hey, why don't I start humping

her new sister-in-law?"

That is not how it happened.

I don't care how it happened.

I only care how it's going to end.

And it's going to end badly for me.

How?

Explain how.

I don't know yet.

That's always part of the fun.

Trying to guess how your penis is going to bite me in the ass.

Alan, you got to believe me here.

This is different. I really like Myra.

Oh, you like all of them.

And then you don't.

What's going to happen when you get tired of this poor girl...?

Morning.

Morning. Morning.

Boy, I slept great.

Jake's bed is really comfortable.

Don't bother. He knows.

Oh. Boy, I slept great.

Charlie's a terrific lover.

Oh, this one's going to be bad.

I don't understand why I can't have the blue tuxedo.

Because you're going to your mother's wedding,

not hosting a game show on Telemundo.

: This from a grown man wearing a green polo shirt.

Look, all the other men are going to be wearing black tuxedos.

If all the other men were jumping off a bridge

would you want me to do that, too?

If it would keep your mother off my back, yes.

I'll get the jacket.

Thank you.

Listen, this is a very big day for your mother.

It's important that you cooperate

and make her proud of you.

I'm her son-- she has to be proud of me.

You think so, huh?

Have you met my mother?

Oh, yeah.

Let me explain something to you.

A woman's wedding day is something she will remember for the rest of her life.

So if you screw it up,

she will never forgive you.

Even if it were your brother's fault and that there was nothing

you could do to prevent it short of having him fixed.

Don't worry, Dad, it will be fine.

Thank you.

I don't have a brother.

Okay, we haven't really talked about what all this means.

What what means?

All the big changes that are happening.

It's just a couple of hairs, Dad.

It's not that big a deal.

Not-Not those changes, but...

the wedding, I mean, you're going to have a stepdad in your life.

So?

So, is there anything you want to talk about?

Do you have any questions?

Just one.

Yeah, buddy?

Why can't I wear the blue tuxedo?

* Men... *