I Hate My Teenage Daughter

If I'd known we were gonna be looking at dresses all morning,

I would've brought a snack.

Yeah, me, too.

oh, sophie!

You girls look so beautiful!

Not these.

What are you doing?

Stop saying they look beautiful.

They hate everything we like and love everything we hate,

Except for school,

Which I think we can all agree is a big waste of time.

I can't believe we're getting our daughters dressed

For a cotillion.

I mean, before you know it,

We're gonna be getting 'em dressed for their weddings.

God help those poor bastards.

The father-daughter cotillion

Was always my favorite growing up.

Really? I thought you hated dances.

Normally I did, but this was the only dance

Where your father was supposed to be your date.

Plus, the dresses had so many frills and stuffing,

Everybody looked like they had a glandular disorder,

Not just me.

Sounds magical.

It took three people to stuff me and my taffeta dress

Into the passenger seat of daddy's el dorado.

We got 200 yards down the road

Before the a.C. Blew my skirt into his face

And we crashed into a mailbox.

That's how daddy lost his eye.

Oh. I never got to go to any dances.

But I did get to wear a beautiful dress once,

When billy graham came to town.

I hiked it up so my ankles showed.

Mama said that's why god gave me whooping cough.

I'm sure it had nothing to do with the fact

That she refused to inoculate me.

oh, sophie!

I hate that dress. Go change.

Who is this brazili prostitute

And what has she done with my daughter?

These are the ones.

oh, my god!

Oh, hey, jack.

Get any murderers out of jail today?

If you're referring to my client crazy ray,

He was found innocent.

But you may want to keep your windows locked

For the next few days. You're just his type.

Hey, I hate to ask this,

But sophie's cotillion is coming up--

Already got my tux cleaned.

It's not an uncle-daughter dance.

It's a father-daughter dance.

Don't you think matt should take her?

Oh, absolutely.

And don't forget,

You and sophie have waltz lessons all this week.

Oh, I know how to waltz.

I've known how to waltz since college.

That's weird.

Tell that to the cornell university waltz society.

First of all, it's not weird.

It's sad.

Second, matt's not always dependable,

But it is sophie's cotillion.

Don't you think he wants to be there for her?

Matt always wants to be there for sophie.

It's just he gets distracted so easily.

There's a band emergency or drinks with the boys,

Or once, believe it or not,

Two squirrels doing it in a tree.

Yes.

Anyway, that's why I always have jack as my backup.

I call myself the jackup.

I shouldn't call myself that.

No. But I do appreciate you always being there for sophie.

Hey, I enjoy it. The only thing I didn't like was taking her

To those soccer games, and I don't have to do that anymore.

He got banned for yelling at 8 year olds.

8 year olds with their heads up their asses.

hey, listen.

I need to talk to you about sophie's cotillion.

Okay. Well, whatever it is, I'll explain it to her.

Jack's got it covered.

What do you mean "jack's got it covered"?

I'm taking sophie to the cotillion.

As a matter of fact, I'm gonna start doing

A lot more stuff with her. I really need to be around more.

What's going on?

Did you hear "cat's in the cradle" on the radio again?

No, I got detained at sophie's school

When I went to pick her up.

Nobody believed I was her father.

They'd never seen me before.

I had to tell them I was "uncle jack's brother."

Had to drop the j-bomb, huh?

Stop making up names for yourself.

I'm taking sophie to this dance.

Okay. Well, that school doesn't know anything.

You are a good dad.

Dance is at 8:00.

Hey. Thanks for coming over so fast.

Where'd that come from?

Found it jammed up in your back bumper.

That's weird.

I wonder who put it there.

So what'd you want to see me for?

You have got to see how pretty mackenzie looks

In her cotillion dress.

Mackenzie, entre nous!

Oh, my god. Honey...

You look beautiful!

You look so... Grown-up.

Thank you, daddy.

Dad, can you please do something?

She's been doing this all week.

I can't help it. Every time I see her in that dress,

I just get a little emotional.

Just yesterday, she was my baby.

Oh, my god. Mom!

Why do you have to be so embarrassing,

Like, all of the time? You know, I really wish

You weren't even going to my cotillion

'cause you just ruin everything.

Hey. Unh-unh. How dare you talk to your mother like that.

Everything she does is out of love for you.

I want you to apologize to her right now.

I'm sorry, mom.

I shouldn't have talked to you like that.

Now go to your room.

Thanks, gary.

Listen, nik,

The thing you understand about mackenzie...

She's right.

That is not fair.

She thinks everything I do is so embarrassing,

And everything you do is so cool.

She only thinks that because it's true.

Okay, fine. I won't go since I'm so embarrassing.

Of course you should go, nikki.

I'm just asking you to tone it down, for mackenzie.

I guess I could do that.

Also, start wearing your glasses.

This could've been a child.

Hi, honey. How did dance rehearsal go?

I don't want to talk about it.

Oh, my god. Your dad didn't show?

I knew it.

Hey, you got a couple of squirrels going to town

Out there if you want to take a look.

Wait. You went?

Then what's she so upset about?

Oh. She's just having a hard time picking up the waltz,

Kinda like you at our wedding.

I danced great at our wedding.

Yeah. That's 'cause you were dancing with me.

How did you get to be so good at this?

Who do you think jack's summer waltz partner was?

You know, you--you have to get her a corsage.

I already ordered it.

Lavender's still her favorite flower, right?

You remember that?

Of course.

Hey. Who's this justin larsen guy?

She was texting him the whole way back in the car.

We gotta keep our eyes on that.

"we"?

Mm. Okay.

We. Hmm.

So I should probably go check on sophie.

Hey, I'll do it for you.

"for you"?

I don't understand what's happening.

+

Hey. I left, like, three messages last night.

You never called me back.

You don't have another friend, do you?

No. I was just out to dinner with sophie...

And matt.

Really?

You guys sure have been spending a lot of time together lately.

It was just dinner.

Then we all came home, and sophie went to bed.

Matt and I watched a movie.

No uh-oh.

That's all we did.

Watched a movie and drank a bottle of wine.

Oh, calm down.

Look, honey, I'm not judging.

Every now and then, gary and I get caught up in a moment.

We're like friends with benefits,

Except he has to pay me money every month.

Oh, my god. I did not sleep with matt.

And I did not sleep with gary,

Because I can tell by the tone of your voice that is not okay.

Okay, I would never hook up with matt.

Oh, right. Because of your feelings for jack.

No! I would never hook up with jack.