Married

Whoa.

Where are you going dressed like that?

To meet some friends.

Is one of those friends a Japanese businessman?

I think what Daddy means is

your outfit sends the wrong message.

- Yeah, you're dressed like a slut. - Mom!

Russ, don't say "slut," okay?

What?

When you really mean "escort."

- You know, she's high end. - Oh. Oh.

So, like, the type that gets

her gym membership and cell phone paid for?

Maybe even tuition for night school.

S02E01 Thanksgiving

Ah, this is nice.

When was the last time the three of us hung out like this, huh?

Well, you don't drink anymore.

Well, I don't need booze to enjoy your insecurity.

Thank you?

Wow.

What do you say we get the kids together this weekend?

Uh, can't this weekend. We're going to see Lena's mom.

How's Janice doing?

Eh, she's starting to get a little confused.

Well, I'll tell you what... it's only a matter of time

till Shep loses his marbles.

- He's not that old. - Exactly.

Shep's got way more brain cells than AJ does.

Totally.

Whatever.

Are you guys Shep's friends or my friends? Geez.

We didn't know that we needed to make a choice.

What's going on?

Every time we walk into a preschool,

I know what these bitches are thinking.

Oh, successful man, dumb trophy wife.

That's ridiculous. Yeah, you're a smart trophy wife.

Well...

Yeah, I mean, if there were a Miss Trophy Wife,

you would definitely win the intelligence portion.

Thank you.

Where, uh, where are you guys applying anyway?

- Hillside. - Hillside?!

- Yeah. - That's where my kid went.

We love it there. You should drop my name.

Yeah, I would.

It's just that I would actually like to get in.

What is that supposed to mean?

Nothing.

- Trust me. - You should be...

trusting a napkin.

Wow.

This place is awesome.

It's really remote.

I don't know why he keeps moving her around.

It's not gonna help her confusion.

- Don't start. - Start what?

Picking on Ed.

I'm not picking on the new husband.

They've been married as long as we have, okay?

You should start calling him Ed.

Ed.

Ed. Ed.

Ed... I-I don't know.

New husband's just easier to remember.

Ugh, this place is beautiful.

I'd like to retire in a place like this someday.

Retirement's just for men.

No, it's not... women retire.

I mean, they used to, but then some asshole invented Viagra,

and now it's never over.

Well, I don't want it to be over.

I know, sweetie.

I know.

Hi!

Oh, my God!

Give me a hug.

Hey there.

Mom, hi. Oh.

Oh, I missed you.

Oh, my God, it smells so good in here.

Are you cooking?

- We're going out for dinner tonight. - Oh, very funny.

What restaurant is open Thanksgiving? Chinese?

Don't be silly.

But, Mom, it's not, um...

Cold enough to be Thanksgiving, I know.

This weather's crazy, isn't it?

You know me, I love the holidays.

Listen, when I told her you were coming today,

she got confused.

She thought it was Thanksgiving.

Did you tell her it wasn't?

I did... just made her angry.

Oh, my God.

What are we gonna do?

I think we enjoy the holiday.

Turkey smells great, Janice.

And this is Mrs. Sawyer's classroom.

Oh, Mrs. Sawyer.

Harrison's gonna love it here.

He's three; he'll love it anywhere they have juice.

Can you just...

So does Harrison have any siblings?

Uh, I-I have a 15-year-old son.

- Yeah. - Yes, but I'm the first wife.

I'm the only wife.

And I went to Cornell.

- Mmm... she... - So, you know...

- doesn't need to know... - I'm not dumb.

Okay.

Ha... Did I mention that Harrison can already count

to trece en espanol?

That's amazing.

Uh, what's amazing is our nanny's actually Polish.

So we're very proud.

Listen, every child is right for Hillside,

but not every parent is right for Hillside.

Okay, that takes care of that.

- Mmm. - Look.

There's an open house here tonight.

It's a chance to meet parents, alums, make some connections.

Yeah, we'll be there.

- Great. - Great.

Because we really do care about our little community here.

You don't know anyone in the Hillside family, do you?

Not a soul.

I thought you said AJ's kid went here.

Yeah. I know what I'm doing.

- Okay, I'll just shut up. - Okay.

I'm the one who already raised a kid,

but why should that matter?

- I'll just shut up. - Yeah, do so.

I knew she was starting to forget stuff,

- but, like, she was still my mom. - Uh-huh.

Now, every time I see her,

she's just gonna be less and less herself.

I'm sorry. It sucks.

Goddamn it. I just finished changing all the kids' diapers,

and now I'll change my mom's?

I know. It's the diaper sandwich.

My diaper sandwich was this thin.

Diaper Panini?

Look, at least we have Ed, right?

- I mean, he'll get in there. - Will he?

How well do we really know this guy?

Oh, my God. 14 years well.

Maybe my mom should come and live with us.

I mean, I don't... I don't know.

- Yeah, right? - I don't think so.

I mean, why not?

I think she'd be so confused there.

And I feel like Ed has everything under control here.

We're about to have Thanksgiving in September.

Nothing is under control.

- I'll talk to Ed, okay? - You will?

And make sure everything is okay.

Hey, so... just curious about Janice.

- Uh, Lina's pretty worried about her. - Yeah.

Yeah, she's getting real dingy,

but she still has her good days.

Right. Yeah, no.

We were just kind of wondering what the long-term plan was,

you know, for when things get a little

harder for you to deal with.

Sunset Ranch has a memory unit.

Doctors 24/7, physical therapy.

One of the main reasons I brought her here.

Oh, so she'll be staying here?

- Oh, definitely. - Oh, that's great.

This place is top flight, baby. Top flight.

Great doctors, great everything.

Russ, my boy.

Really?

- Wow. - Wear it with pride.

I will. Thank you. I feel honored.

Over here, you got your fitness center, weight room,

pool...

And everything is included?

- Everything. - Wow.

I wouldn't mind retiring to a place like this.

They cook for you, clean, garden.

That's incredible.

Uh... oh, are you sure?

It's noon.

It's retirement.

Okay.

You know, I never saw myself ending up in a place like this.

I'm not exactly your retirement community type of guy.

- Yeah, yeah. - Check this out.

No way.

You serious?

Can't say no to that, can you?

Wow. No. That sold it right there.

Artillio is our hidden gem.

He does plumbing, electrical,

drives to the all-night pharmacy.

Whatever you need, he'll take care of it.

- For you, senor. - Oh, thank you.