Workaholics

Okay, so I call it booze-chess.

I got the Cognac Royale as King.

Queen's Vodka. Obviously, that's the Queen.

Um, Old Steed Whiskey, that's the horse center guy.

Oh.

Chess-mate.

Let's just drink.

Whoa.

- Check out this guy. - I didn't do it.

- Cannot arrest me. - Help you, ossifer.

My costume for the pool dancing class I'm taking at the Reck Center.

- A good way to meet babes. - Yeah.

A good way to keep the body in shape...

And, yes, I have met some friends--who are ladies.

Cheryl, Penny, Laurie.

We're all gonna make homemade pizzas later.

Sounds good.

So wait, everyone wears a cop outfit or what?

Oh, no, no, no, this is just, uh, something fresh

I'm bringing to the table.

Thinking I might change the game though

after they see this little routine.

Check it out. Buckle up.

Freeze! I'm gonna need you to spread 'em.

I like it so far.

Yeah.

- Oh! - Hello. Whoa.

- Yo! - Yah.

- Oh. - Wait a second.

Where'd I put my-- Oh, there it is.

Eyes down here, fellas. Eyes down here.

Seriously, dude, you got a pretty good dick.

- Oh, got me. - Oh!

Oh, yeah. No, you don't need to...

- All right. - Need to...

Oh, yeah, I don't know what that's about.

"Officer." "You're under arrest."

Hey. Whoa! This is a chessboard!

Hey, we're in the middle of a game!

My teacher says if you don't sweat in your crack,

you're not doing it right.

So you really wouldn't bang Tyra Banks

'cause she's wearing a fat suit?

That is fatism, dude.

That's not a fat suit.

I'm looking at her fupa.

No, that is a faux fupa. Totally prosthetic.

I wish it was real 'cause fat girls get me going.

Fupa. What is--I don't know what that means?

I like saying it though.

It's a fat upper area.

Hi, I'm Bradley, the ISP supervisor.

- ISP supervisor? - I monitor your web activity.

A lot of pornography, gentlemen.

What's your job? What do you do?

What? You don't think I can be an ISP supervisor?

No, no.

You can totally be that. You can be whatever you want.

You could do whatever you want to do. Yeah.

What we're saying is, um, we don't look at pornography.

I don't even know what porn is, truthfully.

I think it's sexier when a woman

wears all of her clothes.

- Yeah. - Mm-hmm.

You know what I love, the slope of a neck.

Oh. The soft voice of a woman.

- Even a laugh. - Oh, laughs?

Cut the crap, jag holes.

I can look the other way for a fee.

Ugh, thank God,

'cause we actually watch a ton o' porn.

Mostly weird stuff. DPs. 3Ps. Golden showers.

- Whatever. - Give me that.

- I'm into bukkake. - And I love little Asians.

Yeah. We've all got our own things so...

Oh, and that is a pass to the wax museum.

Really good one.

You should see their Jackie Chan.

Bradley Cooper's new. That's a new exhibit.

Hey, what's going on?

Nothing. Just met Brad, new ISP supe.

- Call him B-Rad. - Cool dude.

Good hire.

Yeah, uh, this is my brother Bradley.

Let me guess. He scammed you out of money.

Wait, so you are not an ISP supervisor?

- That's not even a real thing. - Ha ha ha!

- I knew that. - I didn't. I didn't.

Okay, you are good. We got to watch out for this guy.

That's what I'm talking, B-Rad.

Real Danny Blaine. Is it Danny? David?

- It's David. - David Blaine?

- It's David. - David.

Yeah, just give them their money back, please.

- Give me that. - Thanks, man.

Anyway, uh, sweetie, I'm gonna be working late tonight.

I have an international conference call. Brussels.

Oh, home of Jean-Claude van Damme.

- Muscles from Brussels. - Shut up.

That's what they call him.

So there's some frozen calzones

in the freezer.

And, um, I'll be home later.

Ugh, I'm tired of being cooped up

in your stupid widow pad!

Bradley, I told you I am not a widow, okay?

I am divorced.

I am an independent woman in the prime of my life.

You're 35 and alone. I run train on chicks like you.

Oh, my God.

Why don't I hang with these nerds?

What? Okay, no.

No, Bradley, you do not want to hang out with them, okay?

They are total losers

Real losers? Come on.

We have a swimming pool.

We--we all have our own rooms.

We have an aquarium. A very small one.

- We have two working toilets. - That's not very loser, is it?

- It's settled then. - Yeah, B-Rad.

- All right. - Oo-hoo!

I'll be right back.

That dude definitely looks at porn.

It's funny 'cause it's true. He does. I've caught him.

Okay, listen to me, Bradley is my brother

and the only thing in the world that I love.

He's like the child I will never have.

So I want you to go against every instinct

you may have tonight and not do anything stupid.

- No. - Roger that.

Yeah. Because if you don't bring him back safe and sound,

I'm gonna eat your balls for breakfast tomorrow

with my grape-nuts.

Then I'm gonna murder you.

Then I'm gonna fire you.

Okay. Have fun.

She just put the fear of God

into my boner.

Fear-ection.

So I'm thinking we could do a little, uh,

taste of Italy night for Bradley.

I'll get out the panini press.

Yeah, maybe if our grandmothers

were visiting from the old country.

We're playing Mario Kart and I choose Bowser.

See you on Rainbow Road.

I'm gonna shove a red shell so far up your ass,

a turtle head is gonna pop out of your mouth.

But I'm saying later, when we get hungry--

We'll get pizza. Nobody wants the panini press.

- What's a panini? - It just sits there, you know?

I'm trying to show you guys about cultures.

We told you to get the snow cone machine, man.

Fine. Live in ignorance. Be typical Americans.

We'll do whatever you want to do.

Yeah. Inhale pepperoni pizza and chug Mountain Dew.

Yes. That's a good idea.

Oh. Oh. Oh! How does that sound, dude?

Oh, that sounds like it would be fun...

If I were ten!

Well, what do you want to do?

Oh, no. We're drunk again. Ha ha ha.

- You're kicked out! - Dude, don't.

Nice work in there, B-Rad.

- Whoa-ho-ho-ho! - Whoa!

This totally beats hanging out with Alice.

Yes, it does.

Did you know she wears a kimono around the house?

What? Is it silk? Does she wear a bra underneath?

Oho! My nuts! He hit my nuts!

Yeah, speaking of our boss,

we should probably, uh, call a cab,

get this dude back to her place, and, uh...

- A cab? - Yeah.

We'll come back tomorrow and get the car.

You've had two beers, dude.

Suck it up. The legal limit's seven or eight, okay?

I should know. I've gotten plenty of D.U.I.s, right?

I'm not risking it, all right?

What if I want to, like,

run for city councilman some day?

City councilman, dude? Suck it up!

Where's your self-worth? At least run for the governator.

Guys, I'm not going home. It's Tuesday night.

It's the classic party night.

- Ho ho! - Ha ha! Party night!

- Shake it. Shake it. - All right.

I love this guy's fresh take on weekdays.

You--you guys have beers at your place, right?

Bought a 12'er yesterday.

No, we don't have beers

because I beer battered some brats

and then drank 11 beers.

Rude!

Here's the deal,

you guys go get the booze, we'll call the cab.

- Let's go! - The guy gets it.

I'm not paying for a cab, man.

One case of delicious beer.

Sorry, buddy. It's 2:02.