Two and a Half Men

Not a problem, Charlie.

So, what's the big emergency?

Why does it have to be an emergency?

Maybe I just wanted to check in.

Well, you left six messages on my service.

Oh, that was just a liquored-up fella

hitting the speed dial.

All right, I've got five minutes before my next patient,

so why don't you just give me the headlines?

All right, I'm seeing a woman.

Well, that's not a headline, Charlie.

That's the name of the paper.

I know, I know, but... but she's different

from the type of woman I usually go out with.

Yeah, different how?

Well, she's a little older.

You really couldn't go younger

without having to register with the authorities.

I mean, she's older than me.

Oh, we have our headline.

And I'm confused because...

I have really strong feelings towards her.

Do you find her attractive?

Yeah, she's gorgeous.

How's the sex?

We haven't had sex yet.

Hold the presses. We have a new headline.

Do I have to pay extra for the sarcasm?

No, it's a flat rate.

The thing is, we get along great.

She's warm, nurturing, supportive,

and I feel really safe with her.

Well, let's see: you're involved with an older woman

who's warm, nurturing, and supportive.

You feel very safe with her and you haven't had sex.

Now, what male-female relationship

does that suggest?

Uh, hmm...

I feel like I should know this one.

Take your time.

Older, nurturing, warm...

Mrs. Butterworth?

Charlie, this woman you're seeing is a mother figure.

A mother figure?

I said she's warm, nurturing, and supportive.

The words "toxic she-devil" did not pass my lips.

My point is, because your real mother

didn't give you what you need emotionally,

you're responding to it in this relationship.

No, no, no, no, no, this is not a mother thing.

Now, my brother Alan-- he's the needy one.

He practically wants to sit in this woman's lap

and breastfeed, and not in the fun way.

So Alan's met her?

Yeah, and he's clinging to her like a tree monkey,

which is really pissing me off.

So you're competing with your brother

for the attention of an older, nurturing woman?

Boy, you're just a one-string banjo, aren't you?

What do you want me to tell you, Charlie?

I can only play the notes in front of me.

I want you to cut through all the psychobabble

and tell me why I'm so confused.

I just did.

You're gonna stick with the mother thing, huh?

Plink, plink, plink.

Look, Charlie, I've got my next patient waiting.

If you like, we can make a weekly appointment

and really explore these issues.

In fact, twice a week might not be overdoing it.

No, thanks, I prefer to deal with my demons as they escape.

All right.

So what do I owe you?

Well, I get $200 an hour. You were here for five minutes.

So why don't we just round it off and say $200.

Man.

Even hookers prorate.

Hookers don't have to listen to you, Charlie. Good-bye.

Good-bye, doc. Good session.

Hi, come on in.

Thanks for seeing me last-minute.

I think I'm in love with my brother's girlfriend.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

Hi.

Hi, yourself.

Oh, don't you look handsome.

Nah.

Yes, you do.

And that shirt looks great on you.

You think?

Oh, yes, very grown-up.

Well, you bought it for me.

But you should tuck it in, sweetie.

I don't wanna.

Please.

Oh, all right.

Are you ready to go?

I just need a minute. Come on in.

You remember my son, Jeremy.

Oh, sure.

Oh, hey, man, how's it going?

Hi, good. Good to see you.

And this is his fiancee, Tricia.

Hi, Tricia.

Charlie.

Hi, Charlie.

Nice to meet you.

Mom's helping us plan our wedding.

Really? You're getting married?

Lucky guy.

Not that I'd know. I'm... I'm just assuming.

I'm just gonna get my purse.

Hurry back-- hop, hop, hop.

So, you're getting married.

Taking the plunge. Yeah.

I've never stuck a toe in myself.

Actually, I've never stuck anything in.

But anyway, it's a... it's a big step.

Not for me.

Tricia's the love of my life.

I can't believe nobody snapped her up before I did.

Well, maybe she was just waiting for the right snapper.

I mean, the past isn't nearly as important

as the future you two are gonna build together, am I right?

Absolutely, the past doesn't matter.

That's what I'm thinking.

Okay, let's go.

Okay, nice seeing you again. Nice meeting you. Bye.

Isn't she terrific? I am so happy he...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, she's a catch. Let's go.

Why aren't you studying for your algebra final?

I don't have to.

You don't have to study algebra?

Nope, all I gotta do is get a 67 to pass the course,

and then it's adios, seventh grade, arrivederci, eighth.

Okay, we can cross "UN interpreter" off the job list.

But let's get back to the algebra test.

So... so you're planning on getting a 67?

Yep, anything above that would be a wasted effort.

Okay, we have to talk.

Hey, the blind, one-armed dancer is about to go on.

This is more important.

Last week, she fell twice.

Listen to me. You know what you call someone

who just skates through life doing only the bare minimum?

Uncle Charlie?

You call him a slacker.

Whatev.

"Whatev"? Are you now so lazy

you can't even be bothered to finish words?

What's your prob?

Won't you be happy if I just get into eighth grade?

I mean, isn't that the whole point of seventh?

No, that is not the whole point of seventh.

And yes, I'll be thrilled if you're not left back.

So relax, it's all good.

Don't you mean it's all "guh"?

Holy crap, her arm flew off.

That's gotta cost them points.

Yeah, two adults for The Wings of Love.

No, wait, I... I get a senior discount.

No, you don't. Full price, both of us.

Charlie, you're being silly.

For two bucks, let me be silly.

Charlie.

Oh, perfect.

We're at the same theater.

What a happy coincidence.

Yeah, just like Booth and Lincoln.

Angie, this is my mother, Evelyn.

Mom, this is Angie.

Nice to meet you, Evelyn. I've heard a lot about you.

Oh, well, there's two sides to every story,

and Charlie's memory isn't the best.

You know...

Well, considering how you raised me,

it was either...

or...

Charlie, don't be so sensitive.

Have you met his brother? Another drama queen.

Okay, Mom, always great bumping into you.

Maybe next time you'll be standing

in front of a wood chipper.

Enjoy the movie. Bye.

Hey, Charlie.

Oh, swell, there's more.

I'll meet you inside.

Yes?

Be careful. That woman is a cougar.

A what?

An older woman who preys on young men.

It's... that's not what this is about.

Right, she likes you for your brains.

And I love you for your warmth.

Nice yanking chains with you, Mom.

Now, what did I do to deserve that?

Here are your keys, Evelyn.

Thanks, Justin.

So, what movie should we see?