Katie's Mom

No!

- Strut it, bitch. Strut it.

- Camping Joshua Tree? Morty hates nature.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

- Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, dislike.

Where, where's the dislike, where's the dislike button?

Really don't need this today!

Katie? Hi!

Oh my God! Oh!

Hi, Mom.

- I'm so glad you're home! Oh, I'm gonna crush you.

- Oh my God! Okay. - Let me look at you.

You look great, but, but different.

Here, sit down. Have a cookie.

I'm not hungry.

- But the chocolate chip frosties. You, you love these.

- Mom, those like have like 30 grams of carbs in them.

- I just, I just made them, you know?

You don't know how much trouble I went through to make them.

- No, I'm just like trying to cut back,

and I'm not gonna eat one, and like neither should you.

Just be a little healthy.

- Hello. - Hi. I'm Alex.

- Hello? - May I?

Wow. These are delicious.

Are these on the menu for a Christmas-Hanukah?

It's Chrismanukah.

Alex is joining us for dinner.

Oh.

You didn't mention anything about bringing a guest.

Well, now you know.

Alex, can you help me with those bags?

- The general has spoken. Yeah, come on.

- Thanks, Mom. I'm really excited to be back.

It's gonna be fun!

Mm, that's good.

- Okay, this has to be the best acai chia pudding

I've ever had. - Mm-hmm.

I wish I was a kite. How'd you get so smart, Bumby?

You're embarrassing me, Bambi.

- Oh, I'm embarrassing you? I'm embarrassing you?

So how did you two meet?

Craigslist.

- I hired Alex to tutor me for a Spanish midterm.

I knew something was up

when he translated the entire "Bad Money" album for me.

- I ran out of herbs to conjugate.

Hmm.

Oh, oh, you don't, you don't have to.

- No, no, I, I insist. I want to.

Thank you.

So you've been dating two months and you never mentioned it?

- You never asked. - Does your father know?

He's been really busy.

I haven't really talked to him lately.

- Yeah, glamping in the Mojave Desert is difficult work.

How do you know about that?

- Sue Hobart must have mentioned it.

Anyway, I'm, I'm glad you met someone.

- I'm glad because he needs a place to stay for the break.

- The whole break? - Mm-hmm.

- Sweetheart, that's, that's a, that's a month.

- But he can't go back to New York

because he's been slaving away on his thesis.

- Sweetheart, listen, I, I can see

that you're getting worked up.

When I get worked up, I do these mantras.

Mom, I don't need mantras!

- They're really- - I need Alex.

Mom!

- Why doesn't he stay with his own family?

Sweetheart, your new boyfriend seems very devoted,

- Sh, sh! Shut up! - okay?

- Sh, Mom. Like it's not official yet.

- What? Wait, so, so he's not your boyfriend?

No, we're just not like,

we're just not saying that word yet.

We haven't labeled it.

Katie, I'm sorry,

but your, your your new special man friend can't stay.

- Seriously? - Yeah, seriously.

You don't want me to be happy?

- No, it's not that. It's not that, honey.

- No, you want me to be alone and miserable like you.

What do you even do all day besides Facebook stalk Evelyn?

- I'm so sorry we put this on you. I can stay in Long Beach.

It's fine. - Long Beach?

What's in Long Beach? - I've got friends.

- No, you know, if, if he can't stay, I'm going, too.

We will just stay at Dad and Evelyn's.

Just stop.

Just, fine.

You both can stay. - Thank you.

Got any more of those cookies?

Really? Really, guys?

- Why are you wearing my mom's kimono?

- I thought it was for guests. - What?

Hey, question.

Does your mom, does she usually let guys stay over?

Hasn't really come up.

- Who's this dud? - Oh, ew! Don't look at that.

I hate my profile on that picture.

I'll be honest with you.

I wouldn't deflowered you behind the bleachers at prom.

- That wasn't prom. That was my debutante ball.

- Oh, excuse me, the ball. You gonna see him over the break?

- Yeah. You will, too. - Menage-a-trois?

- No, ew. It's my brother Eli.

- You took your brother to the ball?

I went to an all-girls school.

Only the fashion queens have boyfriends.

Okay.

- How many girlfriends have you had?

Well, let's see.

There was, there was Dana from the block.

There was Angela with the killer ass,

but hers was bubbly, not firm like yours,

and then there was Skye who was like five years older

than I was. - Okay, I get it.

You've had a lot of experience.

- Hey, I'm not your first boyfriend, am I?

So you are my boyfriend?

- Okay, sure. You can call me that.

- Morning, honey. I made your favorite breakfast.

- Morning. - That's my kimono.

- Yeah, Katie actually said that I could, I could-

- No, no, it's, it's fine. It's fine, it's...

Where, where is she?

She's brunching with Morty.

- She didn't mention it to me. Why didn't you go with her?

I needed my beauty sleep.

Are those your famous lemon ricotta pancakes?

- Famous? - Yeah.

Katie tried to make those one time

after our first study session. - Really? She cooks?

- Well, we had to throw away the pan.

- Well, what else does Katie cook of mine?

- Well, I actually do all the cooking.

- Really? What's, what's your specialty?

I make a mean arroz con pollo.

Impressive.

- So you've only got one more semester. What's the plan?

Well, still figuring it out,

but I aced my abnormal psych final.

- That's worthless without a Master's.

And I have a boyfriend now.

- Hmm. - Alex.

Alex.

- He's number one in the architecture program.

He even got an award.

- Now that is an employable major.

- Mm-hmm. - Where's he interning?

- We haven't really talked about it.

Should he have something lined up?

- You know, I have a lipo patient that works at Pensler.

I'll ask her to meet him. - Would you really, Daddy?

- Why not? - Thank you!

- But you, you need some marketable skills

if you ever wanna get hired.

You can help Evelyn with the accounting in the office.

What? I'm a student.

- Yeah, student who's on winter break right now. Come here.

I've got some great news. Evelyn is pregnant.

Wow. Wow. - Wow is right.

Mom is gonna hit the roof.

- Sweet pea, it's gonna be a girl.

You always wanted to be a big sister,

and you're the first person in the family to find out.

So be there tomorrow 9:00 AM sharp.

You hear from Eli? He won't return my calls, fucker.

- Mom, I'm sorry. I keep missing you.

- Yeah, no, actually, can I, can I just vent for,

for just one second, please?

Katie is in your father's clutches.

She is at his office working all the time,

- Katie's working? - and, and when she is home,

she's, she just, she just avoids me

and, and holes up with her new lover boy.

Bonafide bae?

Unlike the alleged Bobby Rothstein

from Shalom Santa Monica who never called?

I didn't see anything about this on Insta.

- No, he's been here a week eating gelato

out of the container and wearing my kimono.

- Oh, so Katie's dating Liberace.

- No, actually, he's, he's, he's quite heterosexual.

Her room sounds like a porn set.

Maybe she'll snap out of it when you're here.

I'm just, I just can't wait for you to get here, really.

- Bad news. I talked to Mitch.

This AM, we've got the arraignment

for the Hodgkins case on the 28th.

He says I can't leave town. I'm sorry.

If it goes well, I'm on track to make partner.

- Oh, well that's, that's, I mean,

I was really looking forward to seeing you.

Mom, I know.

- Well, that's, that's great, honey. That's wonderful.

- I'll visit in March. I promise.

- Okay. Yeah. I, I understand. - I love you. I'm sorry.