Savage Intruder

Grauman's Chinese theater in Hollywood,

here comes, yes, I believe it is.

It is, it's Katharine packard.

Turning to the local news,

another dismembered body of a Hollywood woman was discovered

in the Hollywood hills, late yesterday.

Homicide investigators believe she was the victim

of the same psychopathic killer who has murdered

and dismembered a number of middle-aged women

in the Hollywood area.

Property owners voiced their disapproval

of the disclosed increases in property tax.

Today, an angry administration is adhering

to the state bill that's happening.

Oh.

She never gets sick,

except one time, on the flight to Detroit,

she had one of those breaded hot dogs, you know.

Folks, this is the home of Katharine packard,

one of the most famous stars of the motion picture screen.

Happily retired from the glamor of the motion picture world,

she now devotes her days of leisure

to benevolent social work and her pet Hollywood charities.

This home was built at a cost

of over half a million dollars,

once a scene of lavish Hollywood parties.

But she never gets sick

unless she has apple juice.

Just as much now

that I'm gonna be a star, again, as I did before.

Everyone in Hollywood's gonna be, absolutely everyone,

and it wouldn't be right without you, would it, darling?

It's a real comeback.

So you see, you simply must come to my little party.

Yes, oh, yes, darling, Ava, Clark, yes, oh!

Must run!

Ooh.

J Dee, Dee, Dee, dah, dum, da-dum, Dee, yah, yah

oh, just one more glass of personality.

What happened to you?

To my dear, loving, loyal friends.

Ah!

Let's go!

J Dee, dum, dum, da, la, la, la, la

oh not like a start,

like a star.

Oh boy, you came.

How wonderful of you all to have come.

I can't tell you how happy I am.

I can't believe that you're all here.

Every one of you, I'm glad that I had found you.

Oh, it's so wonderful to see you.

Dickie, you did fly in from Europe.

Oh, she looks divine.

Thank you, all!

And to you, Felix, you know I gave her the brush,

just for my carpet.

I'm so happy I could cry.

She looks stunning tonight.

She looks lovely.

Oh, Lee, I'm glad I caught you before you left.

How is she?

Well, she's broken her lower tibia.

Oh, what does that mean?

Well, she'll be in a cast for a while,

but she'll be all right.

She was drinking?

Yes.

Now I've ordered a wheelchair

and the registry is sending over a nurse.

We'll get her on crutches

and keep her as active as possible.

Well, I'll see if I can cheer her up.

Thanks, Lee.

Hello, ira.

It's cold in here.

For god's sake, why don't you turn on some heat?

I think you should know

that Katharine... - I know.

Lee's already told me.

Well, I can't watch her every moment.

If I may say so, I don't think it's good for her

to stay up in her room, all the time, like she does.

Well, let's get her some films

to see in the projection room.

Leslie, I'd be careful about the pills.

Don't leave anything up there

that she could use to harm herself.

I've thought of that.

There's nothing.

Well, I better get up and see her.

Katharine, please.

Stop.

- I'm only interested in... - Ira.

I'm tired.

I'm awfully tired.

Forgive me.

I was going to say that I am only interested

in your, in your welfare.

I know.

You've always been so damned interested in my welfare.

Ira!

Yes?

You're an angel for coming by.

Nick, take me to the club, will you?

Yes?

My name is Hardy, Laurel n. Hardy.

Are you from the registry?

Yeah.

Oh, uh, come in, Mr. Hardy.

Miss packard's secretary will interview you.

I didn't know that Katharine packard was still around.

Around?

Well, she's very much around.

She's got a lot more youth about her

than all the young people you see

in films and television nowadays.

They're all so callow.

Callow?

Yeah, callow and disgusting.

I take it you don't like the modern generation.

Self-centered animals.

I don't think you like me in particular.

I'm not the one that does the hiring and firing.

Well, cheer up, sweetheart.

I may not get the job.

Miss Blair, Mr. Hardy is here from the registry.

Why don't you sit down, Mr. Hardy?

I'll be right with you.

She got the name wrong.

It's valance.

Miss packard has broken her leg.

You'll have to help her with her wheelchair.

The elevator is out of service,

so she will have to be carried up and down the stairs.

Do you drink?

Now and then.

Is there a decent interval between the now and then?

Well, I can steer a straight line with the wheelchair,

if that's what you mean.

You see, miss packard is an alcoholic.

We don't allow spirits on the premises.

No spirits.

Please make yourself look more presentable.

You'll have to get a haircut

and wear a proper uniform.

You mean I got the job?

Yes.

Yeah, how does anybody have too much success?

I'm unhappy because I haven't had enough success.

Well, we should all be grateful for what we have.

Thanks for the advice.

I'll remember it next time somebody hands me a bedpan.

Hey, um, what's that?

Oh, it's an egg timer.

That's miss packard.

She wants her lunch.

I'll take it.

Oh no, I don't think...

1 guess it's about time for her

to meet her babysitter, right?

Look, I don't think miss Blair...

Uh, where do I go?

Top of the stairs.

Chop chop!

Take it easy, Greta.

Too bad, sweetheart, the callow youth got the job.

I did not mean to imply that you're callow, Mr. Hardy.

I never judge a person until I know him.

Well, it won't be so bad.

A broken leg is usually only good for a couple of months.

I'm sure we'll learn to get along, Mr. Hardy.

You can call me Laurel.

Laurel, Laurel n. Hard...

Greta, is that you?

Mildred?

You must be the ice cream man.

That's right.

What flavor would you like?

Vodka.

Sorry, all we got is tutti-frutti.

Get out, get out of my bedroom.

You don't like tutti-frutti.

I don't like you.

I don't you, and I don't want to know you.

Mildred, will you get him outta here?

You best leave, Mr. Whatever your name is.

I'll see what other flavors I can find, right?

It's Mildred or Greta who serve meals to miss packard.

If you're incapable of fitting into our routine,

we'll make other arrangements.

Any questions?

Yeah, can we get the elevator fixed?

No, the service charge alone is $50.

Anything else?

You could've told me you were the nurse.

But I had my nursey costume on, right?

Fuse.

In the mornings, I like to sit by the pendula.

And in the afternoon, I like to sit by the pool.