How I Met Your Mother

Kids, it's not always rational, but people on their wedding day

sometimes find themselves panicking about whether they've made the best choice.

I have a better tie at home! It's cornflower blue. It's cornflower blue!

But lucky for Barney, he was marrying a rock.

I can't go through with this wedding.

Last year, when you helped Victoria escape this church,

how hard was it to climb down that drainpipe?

Extremely hard.

Okay, so that means super easy. Thanks.

Wait, wait. Stop, stop. What the hell are you doing?

I just... I can't go through with this!

No, no. Sorry. I refuse to be a part of a third runaway bride situation.

It's like the dude in that documentary who kept having women show up dead

at the bottom of his staircase. Sure, maybe they all tripped, but it's like,

do you want to hang out with that guy?

Gonna think I'm insane, but...

I still think that it's a bad sign I never found that locket.

Some part of me thought that Barney would magically find it.

I know. I know that's unfair of me to expect that, but...

you know, I want to be with a guy who comes through for me, you know?

The guy who, somehow, against all odds,

finds my locket.

Okay, just, um... just calm down, stay put.

Uh, I'm-I'm gonna go get you some water, okay?

== sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man Resync for WEB-DL by Norther

Uh, listen, I have something for you,

but before I give it to you, I just want to make sure you're okay.

I was freaking out a little earlier,

but Lily and Marshall calmed me down. I'm okay.

Good, good. So, Robin's a little nervous.

Nervous? Why is she nervous? I'm not nervous! Who's nervous?!

No one needs to be nervous! Cornflower blue, Ted. Cornflower blue!

First off, kudos to Marshall and Lily for calming you down.

Second, do you... you remember Robin's locket?

Yeah, of course.

She never found it.

Whoa. How did you...?

I never told you about it because I was afraid you'd take it the wrong way,

but I actually wound up tracking it down.

It's a long story.

I was gonna give it to Robin as a surprise, but...

she needs it to come from you.

- Ted, I don't know. - Take it. Please.

How'd you find it?

I didn't find it.

You found it.

- Hey. - Hey.

What you writing?

Um, it's my wedding day. What do you think I'm writing?

- Suicide note? - Hey-yo!

Oh, God, is it a suicide note?

Oh, my God, how many pills did you take?

Quick. How do we make him vomit?

- Uh, remind him he's getting married. - Hey-yo!

Wait. Now I'm confused. Are you dying?

I'm writing my vows to Robin,

but I want them to be profound and inspiring,

as if they were written by the bard himself,

Lionel Richie.

Then why did you wait until right before the wedding to compose them?

- I didn't. I've been trying to get these right for weeks. - Oh.

This is a lot of vows.

Vow-za.

I'll say it again. Vow-za.

Are you really gonna read all of these?

Yeah, uh, wouldn't it be better to project them as a VowerPoint presentation?

- Say it again. VowerPoint... - I know it's a lot, but I-I don't

want to screw up this wedding thing.

"I vow to love you forever unconditionally,

"unless you pudge out, in which case I'm a Barney-shaped hole in the wall."

"I vow to start watching hockey with you.."

Oh, that one's sweet. I know how much you hate hockey.

"...once a month""

But it's still a nice gesture.

"No. Once a year. No. Hockey's dumb.

"Not watching it, and neither are you, woman. Now make me French toast"

I'll put this in the maybe pile.

Look, if you're having trouble, you've got two expert

vow consultants standing right in front of you.

Yeah. We can show you vow it's done.

Say it again. Vow it's done...

We're just not enjoying them, honey.

I am not gonna take marriage advice from a couple

who just got in a gigantic fight.

- I'm doing fine on my own. - No, you're not.

All of these vows are selfish and way too easy to keep.

Wedding vows need to be real commitments, like our vows.

Poppycock!

What are you talking about?

I remember your precious wedding vows,

and I guarantee you've broken every single one of them.

- Vow dare you! - Just stop.

I can't. It's invowluntary.

Yeah.

Hey. You asked for me?

Look what Barney just gave me.

No way!

See? Barney came through.

There's your sign. You're good to go.

Where'd you find the locket, Ted?

Where did you find the locket?

Me? Why-why are you asking me? Barney found it. Ask him.

What, you lost a locket?

Barney wouldn't tell me how he found it,

which made me realize it had to be you.

Okay.

I'll embarrass him.

Your fiancé got a metal detector

and scoured a 10,000-square-foot grid around that carousel.

Guess where he found it.

The nest of a mama pigeon.

Barney had to wrestle it away from four baby pigeons.

But here's where the story gets bittersweet.

I lied. Barney said it was in Marshall and Lily's basement.

But do you still want to finish your little pigeon story?

The mama pigeon gets killed by a cab.

Barney still goes back to the park every day to feed the babies. The end.

Tell me the truth.

Okay, I-I tracked it down, and I gave it to Barney to give to you.

- Honestly, it was no big deal. - How did you find it?

Psh. How does anybody find anything?

You hear it might be in your race car pencil box. It's not there.

So you swing by your ex-fiancée's storage locker on the opposite coast.

It's not there. You learn Victoria has it in Germany,

but Jeanette intercepts it, throws it in Central Park Lake.

It's a nice day for a swim, so what the heck?

You dive in, scoop it up, make it home in time for Jeopardy!

Ease to the pease. Happy wedding.

You're seriously questioning our wedding vows?

Us? Uh, we're adorable.

We're Marshmallow and Lilypad, bitch.

Okay, I'll give you this. Your little pre-wedding wedding out by the tree--

you said some very sweet stuff.

Hell, Ted even cried.

Ted.

But later, at the actual wedding...

Lily Aldrin,

I vow to be there for you in sickness and in health.

Hate to tell you, Lilypad, but Marshall has since confessed to me

that en route to your honeymoon...

Oh. Oh, God.

- You son of a beech. - You son of a beech.

Do you deny it?

Lily, you know I'm not a vomit guy,

and I just thought I should give you your space.

- Like a dying cat. - Oh, yeah, that saves it.

- I'm so sorry I let you down. - Hang on there, Marshmallow.

Remember when the blushing bride said...

I vow to honor and respect you.

Maybe she was blushing because she was lying her ass off.

Not two months later...

- Shh. - Okay. Okay.

Hey, not cool!

You will not take a picture of my husband like that!

You took part in the bearded Wonder Woman incident of 2007?

Lily, that photo got all over Friendster and Myspace and...

man, 2007 was a long time ago.

Ted, I can't believe how much trouble you went through to get this for me.

- It really wasn't that much trouble. - Yes, it was.

You always go big for me.

Not as big as Barney.

Canadian rehearsal dinner on ice-- big.

- The way he proposed-- huge. - Yeah, but think about it.

Those are the most loving things that Barney has ever done for me,

and they're all based on lies.

Right down to taking credit for this locket.

That's not fair. I told Barney to take credit for it.

Which he did without blinking an eye.

Because lying is second nature to Barney.

Everything's legendary. You know what "legendary" means?

Not real.

I mean, the man's initials are "B.S."

If it helps, I'm pretty sure Barney Stinson's a fake name.

I'm kidding.

You're the one who always comes through for me, Ted.

The one who's there for me.

Maybe I'm making a mistake.

Wait. What-what are you saying?

Maybe I should be marrying you.

Wait. I know one vow we kept.

I vow to make you breakfast in bed every Sunday morning.

Really? You still do that?

Absolutely.

Heads up!

Oh! No cream cheese?

Oh.

Oh! You feed her like Sloth from Goonies.

So the magic's still there.

Well, here's one you definitely didn't keep.

I vow to keep the romantic spark alive.

And how is that going for you these days?

Are you watching Marvin? I'm trimming my nose hair.

I'm dumping out.

I watched him all morning, Lily. I need a break.

I don't control when my deuces happen, Marshall. Deuces are wild!

Ted,

I should be with you.

There it was-- the words that some deep,

dark part of me always wanted to hear.

But it's funny.