The Aristocrats

George Carlin: THE JOKE LEADS ME DOWN ONE PATH,

AND THEN IT SWITCHES THE PATH ON ME SUDDENLY,

AND IT HITS ME WITH A HAMMER.

IT'S JUST, "HERE WE GO, FOLKS."

YOU HAVE OUTSTRETCHED YOURSELF WHEN YOU'RE DOING IT RIGHT,

ON MAKING IT AS HORRIFIC AS YOU CAN.

AND BAM!

BAM THEM WITH AS POLITE A TITLE AS YOU CAN.

"THE ARISTOCRATS".

"THE ARISTOCRATS".

"THE ARISTOCRATS".

THE WHAT?

I'VE HEARD THE JOKE,

BUT I DON'T REMEMBER WHAT WAS SO BAD.

I REMEMBER THAT I FAINTED.

David Brenner: THAT JOKE'S BEEN AROUND.

"THE ARISTOCRATS" IS ALWAYS LIKE A CLASSIC.

IN FACT, THEY TOLD IT ON... I THINK IT WAS THE "NINA"

OR THE "PINTA" ON THE "SANTA MARIA"

WHEN COLUMBUS WAS CROSSING THE OCEAN.

AND I THINK LINCOLN TOLD ME. I'M NOT QUITE SURE.

I WAS AT THE THEATRE AT THE TIME. I WAS AN USHER.

OF ALL THE JOKES TO DO A DOCUMENTARY ABOUT,

YOU CHOSE THIS ONE?

Michael McKean: THERE WAS THIS

CHEVY CHASE AND MICHAEL O'DONOGHUE,

I THINK JOHN BELUSHI AND SOME OTHERS,

THEY HAD THIS COVEN OF... PEOPLE

WHO WOULD TELL THIS JOKE OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

CHEVY CHASE SUPPOSEDLY USED TO HAVE PARTIES,

AND THE CRITERIA WAS, YOU HAD THE MOM,

THE DAD, THE SON, THE DAUGHTER, AND A DOG.

AND YOU HAD TO TALK WITH SOME COMBINATION OF THAT

WITHOUT REPEATING YOURSELF;

IF YOU REPEATED YOURSELF YOU WERE OUT.

THE IDEA WAS THAT WE GOT TO BREAK A HALF AN HOUR.

YOU KNOW, WE GOT TO GET...

WE GOT TO MAKE THIS JOKE LAST

MORE THAN A HALF AN HOUR.

AND I DON'T KNOW WHETHER THEY EVER DID.

APPARENTLY O'DONOGHUE CAME CLOSE.

BUT DIED IN THE ATTEMPT.

NOT WELL KNOWN.

I HEARD MICHAEL O'DONOGHUE

DID IT FOR 90 MINUTES ONCE.

Billy Connolly: IT'S THE ONLY JOKE I KNOW

THAT PEOPLE TALK ABOUT.

I'M ALWAYS SHOCKED WHEN PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THIS JOKE.

IT IS A PERVASIVE JOKE.

IT WAS A BURLESQUE KIND OF A JOKE.

IT HAD BEEN KICKED AROUND A LOT, YOU KNOW.

I REMEMBER IT, THE SAME YOU REMEMBER ANY FIRST,

LIKE THE FIRST TIME YOU HEAR A CUT FROM A LENNY BRUCE ALBUM.

IT WAS SHOCKING! YOU'D NEVER HEARD THAT.

I HEARD IT FROM A GENTLEMAN

WHO WAS RUNNING "SECOND CITY" IN CHICAGO.

AT UCLA, WORKING ON THE HUMOUR MAGAZINE.

THE EDITOR AT THE TIME TOLD ME THE JOKE.

BILL HICK. THAT'S WHERE I HEARD IT.

I THINK I FIRST HEARD "THE ARISTOCRATS"

WHILE DOING BLOW IN "CATCH A RISING STAR" WITH RICHARD BELZIER.

THIS JOKE WAS A FRIEND OF EVERY COMEDIAN IN THE WORLD.

Chris Albrecht: I FIRST WENT TO THE IMPROV NIGHTCLUB

IN NEW YORK IN '73, DID SOME STAND-UP COMEDY THERE,

BECAME THE MANAGER AND GOT TO MEET

THE BEST YOUNG COMEDIANS OF THAT TIME.

GOT A REAL EDUCATION IN THE COMEDY WORLD,

AND ONE OF THE THINGS THAT WAS ALWAYS EXTREMELY CONSISTENT

WHEREVER YOU WENT WAS "THE ARISTOCRATS" JOKE.

I HAD HEARD ABOUT "THE ARISTOCRATS" JOKE.

WE DO COMEDY, AND WE WORK PLACES THAT HAVE COMEDY,

BUT WE'RE ALSO IN THE MAGIC WORLD,

SO WE ALWAYS, ARE KIND OF OBSERVERS OF THE COMEDY WORLD.

AND THERE WAS ALWAYS THIS SECRET HANDSHAKE OF...

OF A WHOLE CULTURE THING

THAT'S... WAS, TO ME, SYMBOLIZED

BY THE JOKE, "THE ARISTOCRATS".

I DON'T THINK COMICS

SHOULD BE THAT PROUD,

QUITE FRANKLY,

ABOUT REPEATING A JOKE THAT'S BEEN GOING ON

SINCE BUD FRIEDMAN OPENED THE FIRST IMPROV

IN... NEXT TO THE PYRAMIDS. YOU DIG?

I DON'T THINK COMEDIANS TOLD THIS KIND OF JOKE ON STAGE.

HOW MANY PEOPLE TELL JOKES ON STAGE?

PEOPLE USUALLY HAVE ROUTINES

OR THEY STRING TOGETHER SMALL, SHORT OBSERVATIONS.

I MEAN, YOU DON'T DO JOKE-JOKES ON STAGE EVER.

THAT'S THE TOTAL KISS OF DEATH

'CAUSE YOU'RE VIEWED AS THE BIG OLD HACK.

YOU KNOW THE WAY THOSE URBAN LEGENDS GO?

EH, THE PEOPLE ALWAYS KNEW SOMEBODY

WHO SAW THIS GUY DOIN' IT,

BUT I NEVER SAW ANYONE PERFORMIN' IT.

IT'S THE KIND OF JOKE THAT YOU LOVE TELLIN' OTHER COMICS.

WE WOULD JUST TELL THEM TO EACH OTHER,

AND THEY NEVER HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH OUR ACT.

IT WAS THIS KIND OF THING THAT YOU WOULD SHARE

WITH THE... WITH THE MUSICIANS.

IT JUST REMAINED IN THE BUSINESS, SWIRLING ROUND.

A LOT OF THE FUNNIEST STUFF HAPPENED

ACTUALLY AFTER THE AUDIENCE LEFT.

WE'RE DIFFERENT, WE'RE IN HERE,

IT'S... THERE'S NO RULES. THE HEADMASTER WENT HOME.

WE GOT THE DORMITORY TO OURSELVES.

"WAIT TILL YOU HEAR THIS," YOU KNOW?

I HAVE A RECOLLECTION OF THE JOKE BEING TOLD

30, 5:00 O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING

FOR A BUNCH OF COMEDIANS.

AND YOU ALWAYS SAVED IT, LIKE A POWERHOUSE.

THAT WAS ONE OF THOSE TOPPERS THAT YOU COULD PULL OUT.

THERE WAS ALMOST, LIKE, A CHORUS OF THE PUNCHLINE.

YOU KNOW, "AND WHAT'S IT'S CALLED?"

BUT THE JOKES THAT WE USED TO LOVE TELLING,

AND THE JOKES THAT I ALWAYS LOVED, WERE THESE JOKES

THAT HAVE THIS BODY OF PERFORMANCE IN THE MIDDLE.

IT'S A SHOW-OFFY KIND OF AN INSIDE THING FOR...

FOR PERFORMING COMICS.

GARY SHANDLING TOLD IT TO ME;

I THINK IT'S THE WAY I TOLD IT, WORD FOR WORD, TO EMO,

WHICH IS PROBABLY LIKE PLAYING THE TELEPHONE GAME.

THERE'S THE BASIC FRAMEWORK,

BUT THEN EVERY COMEDIAN PUTS HIS OWN IMPRIMATUR ON THE JOKE

AND REALLY MAKES IT THEIR OWN.

I DON'T KNOW THE STANDARD TELLING

OF THIS JOKE ANY MORE. IT'S LOST.

WELL, IT'S A VAUDEVILLE AGENT.

JAY MARSHALL IS THE DEFINITIVE JOKE-TELLER ON THAT,

EVEN THOUGH HE'S NOT KNOWN AS A COMEDIAN,

BECAUSE HE IS FROM THE VARIETY ARTS.

JAY MARSHALL TURNS OUT TO BE THE ONE

WHO TELLS THE ARISTOCRATS JOKE FOR THE LEGMAN BOOK.

IT'S THE LAST STORY IN THE BOOK.

HE GETS THE WHOLE THING ACROSS IN TWO OR THREE SENTENCES.

A VAUDEVILLE AGENT IS INTERVIEWING ACTS,

AND AN ACT COMES IN. HE SAYS, "WHAT DO YOU DO?"

AND HE SAYS, "WELL, MY WIFE AND I COME OUT

AND TAKE OUR CLOTHES OFF,

THEN WE SHIT ON THE STAGE

AND THE KIDS COME OUT AND WALLOW IN IT."

HE SAYS, "WHAT KIND OF AN ACT DO YOU CALL THAT?"

HE SAYS, "WE CALL IT 'THE ARISTOCRATS'."

THE JOKE SUCKS!

YOU SUCK FOR HAVING THE IDEA

OF PUTTING THIS ON A DOCUMENTARY!

I HATE THE JOKE.

THE PIECE OF SHIT, STOLEN, PRETEND-TO-BE HUMOUR.

ALTHOUGH THE PREMISE IS FUNNY.

LET ME JUST... LET ME BACKTRACK JUST A BIT.

WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S A PERFECTLY CRAFTED JOKE.

IT'S GOT A TWO WORD PUNCH LINE...

AND SINCE THE MIDDLE IS OPEN

YOU CAN DO ANYTHING WITH IT.

IT'S LIKE A JAZZ THEME. THERE'S THE BASIC MELODY

BUT ANYBODY CAN IMPROVISE ON IT.

AND I CANNOT REMEMBER, FOR THE LIFE OF ME,

WHAT THE DETAILS OF THE ACT WERE.

I JUST KNEW, AS I WAS HEARING IT,

YOU COULD DO WHAT YOU WANT WITH IT,

AS LONG AS YOU GOT TO THE... "WHAT DO YOU CALL THE ACT?"

"THE ARISTOCRATS".

YOU JUST WANT TO SHOCK THE PEOPLE

SO THAT WHEN YOU COME BACK, THE JUXTAPOSITION

OF WHAT THEY CALL THEMSELVES BECOMES THE LAUGH.

IT'S FILLED WITH VULGARITY.

IT'S NOT KIND OF VULGAR. IT'S... IT'S REVOLTING.

YOU'RE DISGUSTING

AND THEN THE PUNCHLINE.

AND THEN THE PUNCHLINE IS SORT OF UPLIFTING.

THE MORE VULGAR IT IS,

THE MORE IRONIC BECOMES THE PUNCHLINE.

THE MORE GROTESQUERIES, THE BETTER OF IT.

THAT'S THE CRAFT OF... THE ART IS... IS HOW YOU MAKE THAT TURN.

THAT'S THE THING YOU CAN'T... YOU CAN'T BOTTLE,

'CAUSE THAT'S A PERFORMANCE THING.

GUY GOES IN THE AGENT'S OFFICE AND HE SAYS,

"I GOT AN ACT FOR YOU. WAIT'LL YOU HEAR THIS."

THE GUY SAYS, "ALL RIGHT, TELL ME A LITTLE ABOUT IT. WHAT'S THE ACT?"

HE SAYS, "MY WIFE AND I COME OUT ON STAGE.

I'VE TAKEN A LOT OF, UH, MEDICINE

PRIOR TO THE APPEARANCE,

AND I'VE EATEN A LOT OF CABBAGES AND THINGS.

SHE LIES DOWN ON STAGE.

I SQUAT OVER HER, I PULL DOWN MY PANTS,

AND I SHIT IN HER MOUTH IT'S MOSTLY LIQUID.

IT'S, UH, LIKE A DIARRHEIC THING.

I TRY TO INCLUDE CORN AND THINGS THAT WILL NOT BREAK DOWN

IN THE DIGESTIVE SYSTEM; PEANUTS, OF COURSE.

I TRY TO GET A LOT OF SOLID OBJECTS

SO THAT THERE'S A LITTLE ACTION TOO,

IT'S NOT JUST A STREAM OF BROWN LIQUID.

AND IT ALL GOES INTO... MOST...

I CAN HIT HER MOUTH PRETTY WELL.

I DO HAVE ONE POLYP.

I HAVE A LARGE, KIND OF A HAEMORRHOIDAL POLYP

THAT SOMETIMES THROWS MY AIM OFF AND I HAVE TO KIND OF...

IT'S KIND OF LIKE KENTUCKY WIND-ISH,

BUT I CAN USUALLY GET IT 'CAUSE I CAN HEAR

WHETHER IT'S HITTING THE HOLLOW AREA OF HER THROAT OR NOT.

SO, I GET AS MUCH AS I CAN IN THERE