How Not to Live Your Life

I hate having my hair cut.

No matter how much you emphasise "not too short",

they always cut it too short.

And even if they're ruining my hair,

I never have the courage to say something.

I said, "Not too short!"

You stupid idiot!

You're raping my hair!

How's that for you, then?

Yeah, it's great. Thanks.

I mean, would I just say, "Great, thanks" to anything she did?

6 things Don would say "Great, thanks" to.

How's that for you?

It's great. Thanks.

Great. Thanks.

It's great. Thanks.

Great. Thanks.

It's great. Thanks.

- What's that? - A shit.

Great, thanks!

.:: La Fabrique ::.

Dickheads Team

Synchro : mpm & Arrow

How Not To Live Your Life 2x05 - Don gets healthy -

Living with Sam has had its ups and downs.

However, one of the ups is having someone to chat to over breakfast.

You might not think it, but that was a perfectly formed conversation.

Let me translate.

Only just got out of bed?

Yes, I have,

so what of it?

Pathetic.

I can get out of bed whenever I want, thank you very much.

God, you think you're so perfect, don't you?

Just because you look really hot in your gym gear.

What?

Nothing.

See? Regular morning chit-chat.

- Can I help you with something? - Jesus!

Where did you spring out from?

The pantry. Searching high and low for Babybels.

He likes them with his breakfast. Do you want one?

No, thank you. I've made up my own special health drink.

Are you sure you're meant to drink that?

It's good for you.

There's a saying, Don, you may have even heard it:

"Healthy body, healthy mind".

I prefer the other saying:

"Never drink anything that looks like poo".

- Not sure that's a saying. - It'll catch on. Mark my words.

No, I'll just stick to what normal people drink in the mornings.

Fetch me a Dr Pepper, will you?

And your favourite: one full English.

Sexy pants.

- Problem? - There will be

if you keep eating that every day.

This is what city-folk eat, sweetheart.

If I wanted berries and greens, I'd live in the woods.

Are you not at university today?

Not until this afternoon, no.

I wonder if ants are sexually attracted to each other?

I wonder if there are gay ants?

Would they be camp?

So many unanswered ant theories.

As much as I would love to stand here

and listen to you talk about the sexual orientation of Hymenoptera...

I was talking about gay ants, wasn't I?

I'm gonna go to the gym. Ever been to the gym?

Don at a gym? What a wacky notion.

I get the feeling you think I'm some kind of layabout

who just does nothing all day.

No, I've never thought that about you, Don.

Not even when you just lay about and do...

nothing all day.

What makes you both think I'm so unfit?

3 reasons they might think Don's so unfit.

Out the way!

All right!

Oh, my God! I'm knackered.

Breathe.

You guys have got me all wrong.

I love exercise.

I frickin' love it.

I can see one of your balls.

Why don't you come with me, then?

Yeah, I mean, that sounds awesome, really fun.

But, you know, I've got stuff to do,

need to sort out some shit.

Some shit?

If you can't handle a bit of exercise then,

that's fine. Just say so.

Don, I think it would be a great idea.

Imagine what Abby would think if she came back to a hunk.

It's a gym, guys. They don't do plastic surgery.

All right. I'll come, I'm coming. I'll come. I'll show you what's fit.

Cool. Come on, then!

I'll meet you outside.

Thanks a bunch, Eddie.

- I hate the gym! - But you just said you loved exercise.

I lied!

I couldn't bear her smugness.

"Look at me. I'm so healthy, and brainy

"and semi-attractive".

I'm telling you, I think I'm actually allergic to the gym.

I went once and I broke out in sweats,

my muscles were aching, my face went all red.

- I think that's normal. - Really?

Oh, God.

What have I got myself into?

What is it about the gym that's so annoying?

Not just the exercise bit,

but the music, the people, the clothes you have to wear.

Right, what first?

Exercise. Fun. Can't wait!

What are you wearing?

What?

Look, this was the best I could rustle up at such short notice.

Believe me, I went through all the options.

7 gym outfits Don almost wore.

We better start with some stretches.

Nice!

Come on.

Stop messing around. Go all the way.

- I'm trying. - Stop it.

Come on. Take it seriously.

I am.

- This is as far as I can go. - Are you made of wood?

Oh, my God. You're so stiff.

- What? - No. Your legs, Don.

- You can't even touch your shins. - Yes, I can, look.

See, that's why our knees bend.

Anyway, it's not natural for people to be able to reach all the...

There.

Easy.

You ever thought of joining the circus?

Bloody freak.

Do we have to run?

Can't we do sitting down exercises?

You know, like rowing, or weights,

or sitting?

- I thought you loved exercising? - I do.

I love it.

- There's some pretty fit people here. - Yeah, obviously, Don. It's a gym.

No. I mean fit,

as in I'd like to have sexy intercourse with them.

Come on.

I'm miles ahead of you.

All right.

I suppose one little quick run to break me in.

Can't hear you.

I'm halfway down the street.

See you at the corner shop.

Exercise!

Jesus Christ.

- You look awful, are you OK? - I'm fine.

- Sure? - Yeah.

- Everything all right? - Oh, God.

Oh, my God!

I'm so sorry!

See? I told Eddie I was allergic to the gym.

I was actually sick.

And now this,

getting changed in a public place, I hate it.

Look.

That's not right.

A stranger's batty four inches from my face.

And another one.

Did I miss the meeting where we agreed we're cool with this?

1 thing you shouldn't say to a naked man.

Do you mind if I just...?

You must be really chuffed with that?

It's massive!

- It's in there somewhere. - Are you sure?

I can't see anything.

- How did it go? - Yeah, it was a great little work out.

Little being the operative word.

First rule of gym: don't overdo it.

First rule of gym: do some exercise.

- Drinklettes? - Yes.

You all right, Mrs Treacher?

My husband's dead,

remember?

I know.

You've told us.

Many, many times.

How exactly did he pass on?

We were on holiday in Ibiza.

My Bill wanted to know what all the fuss was about.

- Why all the youngsters go there. - Can you believe that?

He decided it was his last chance to live it up a little.

He was 86 and wanted to have it large in San Antonio.

We did pills, MDMA,

speed, Ketamine,

- we went to all those foam parties. - You didn't mind all the loud music?

No, Bill just switched his hearing aid off and got spangled.

It's mad, innit?

Like Cocoon 3 , the Balearic years.

Right...

I'm all right.

So, did her husband OD on drugs?