A.P. Bio

According to this gossip column,

my nemesis, Miles, is dating Lisa Loeb.

The Lisa Loeb.

Songbird. Sex in glasses.

Meanwhile, I have had zero bangs

since moving to this garbage pile of a town.

That's not gonna work for me, so new plan.

Break up Miles and Lisa Loeb.

The hell's going on here?

It's parent-teacher day.

Well...

Welcome to A.P. Bio.

You can't talk to our kids about banging.

I want to see a syllabus, please.

I want to see a syllabus, please.

I want to know... "zero bangs"?

Okay, listen, listen, listen.

I don't know what your kids told you about me,

but I went to Harvard,

which means I know how to get in to Harvard,

as well as the other Ivies,

because they're all a little worse than Harvard.

So keep your hands up if you don't want your kids

to go to Harvard or one of the lesser Ivies.

Now, I believe all of your remaining questions

can be boiled down to one simple answer.

All of your kids know

exactly what they need to do to get an A in my class.

Right, guys?

And I'm happy to report that so far,

all of your kids, the fruits of your loins,

are getting As.

So have a great rest of your day, guys.

Excuse me, are we getting individual feedback, yes?

You honestly want to know what I think about Marcus?

Yes.

Yeah, he's just got a real turd of a personality.

But you two seem like a couple of wet blankets as well.

Here's why Heather's cool.

There's something dangerous lurking inside of her,

something edgy.

You need to foster that.

Yeah, guys.

Get me my own pressure cooker.

I want to make brisket, and I want to make it quick.

You're not old enough to get a pressure cooker.

But I'm old enough for an HPV vaccine?

Sarika has no sense of humor, zero.

Does she laugh at anything?

Sarika refuses to have fun.

You think I want to be

spending five hours every Saturday

at the academic decathlon? No.

- No. - No!

I'd rather be poolside,

buns up, sipping a Malibu.

Seems like one of you ought to give up the perm.

But what about when we get separated

at church or Six Flags?

We always look for the curl.

Uh... Wow.

Hold hands. Get a leash. I don't care. Go away.

Hi.

Mrs. Um...

Uh, no, I'm... I'm not, um, married.

I'm Trish, Colin's mom.

Oh. Oh, Colin's mom.

Hi. Sorry.

Well, I can definitely see

where he gets his, um...

His... his book bag.

You got that for him, right?

I mean, it's a nice book bag.

- You've got great taste. - Thank you.

Well, you know, kind of a book bag, clothes connoisseur.

And I mean I certainly didn't just buy the first one I saw.

This is the first time they've ever

worked in that sort of medium.

Ah!

And this number one stunner

is from our figure drawing class.

The contours are on point.

The shading is... oof... very fly.

It's beautiful.

Excuse me, that's nudity.

It is nudity.

Did our children see a live nude?

No.

I was the model,

and I certainly was not nude.

I was wearing a swimsuit and a low-rise jogger.

This technically isn't even nudity.

She wasn't naked, everybody.

Is this why my Trey is suddenly

obsessed with extra-long showers?

Wrangle this in, Durbs.

I bet the school board would be

very interested in this vulgar display.

Vulgar?

Excuse you?

I have the back of a Gauguin island queen.

I'm gonna take care of this.

Here we go.

Yeah, I fed that sweet little baby bird

with a syringe for a week

until it got strong enough and flew away.

Hmm.

Yep.

So I'm not a parent,

but I get it.

Birds weird me out.

Yeah, they're filthy.

Anyway, I'm sorry that I missed the class intro.

My rehearsal went long.

She plays cello at the Toledo Symphony Orchestra.

- Yeah. - First chair.

Cellos weird me out.

Yeah, they're filthy.

See you later, Mom.

Oh, um, hey, why don't we hang out sometime?

- Maybe tonight? - Sure.

Do you want to come by for dinner?

Ooh, I don't know.

I was gonna eat this frozen burrito,

but I feel like that's not gonna turn

for another year, so yeah.

Um, well, do you want to take my number?

I'm already...

Oh, you're already putting it.

419-555-0199.

Okay, I'll call you or I will text you.

Okay. We'll see which it is.

- Okay. - Bye.

- Hi. - Hi. Hope you like pinot.

I do. Oh.

Well, you left the price tag on.

$27?

- Jeez, fancy. - Yeah.

The guy at the liquor store offered to razor it off,

and I said, "No, I don't want you to do that."

I want her to know how classy I am."

Oh. Answer: Very.

- Come in. - All right.

Well, this smells absolutely delicious.

Thank you. Spaghetti Bolognese.

It's my only specialty.

It's kind of a hard first date food, though.

Yeah, there's no sexy way to eat spaghetti.

- No. - Unless you're one of those

Disney hobo dogs. They're pretty good at it.

Yeah, or one of those snobs that

twirls their pasta on a spoon.

So un-American.

Well, wait a sec... wait.

You put the spoons out. Why'd you do that?

For ice cream, you Communist.

This is fun.

It's been a while since I hung out with a nice guy.

Mom, I'm home!

The movie was cancelled 'cause there was a rat

in the theater that bit a stupid girl's toe.

It's like, "Don't wear sandals to a movie."

Wear sneakers."

Hey, Mr. Griffin.

I'm sorry. Is it okay if he joins us?

- Yeah. No, no, absolutely. - Okay.

Wouldn't have it any other way.

Guys want to hear more about the rat?

Saw it pretty good.

- Nah. - Sure, honey.

Yeah. Yeah, let's... Let's hear about the rat.

So like, you know, Cornish game hen...

- Mm-hmm. - Pigeons, things like that.

You know, it's basically like a historical recreation of...

Like a historical recreation of what Beethoven ate.

- Like a food diary, basically. - Hmm.

- Wow. - Yeah, it's pretty cool.

Mom, can you cut this for me?

The noodles are sticking to my uvula.

I think you're, uh, old enough

to cut up your own spaghetti there, champ.

Yeah.

Um, anyway, when Beethoven went deaf...

Uh, his other senses just went absolutely bananas.

What? Sorry.

You know, Colin, I'll just cut it.

Have you ever read any historical food diaries?

I haven't read a food diary per se,

but in "The Diary of Anne Frank,"

she talks about the monotony of the potatoes.

- Does that count? - No.

Well, I think it does.

Right, I mean, why wouldn't it count?

Yeah.

All right, I'll go get dessert.

All right.

Sounds good.

All right.

- I'll give you 20 bucks... - Make it 40.

Fine, $40.