Parks and Recreation

- Forget it.

It's impossible.

It's not gonna work in a million years.

It's pointless. I give up.

Good attitude, honey.

- Well, you know, what do you want from me?

I'm trying to get a group of people to give me their land,

rather than sell it to Gryzzl for $90 million.

Right now, my basic argument is,

"Please, give us the land. It would be so nice."

Gryzzl has billions of dollars. There's no way I beat them.

- Hey, I've seen you beat tougher odds than this.

But they're just a company, they're not that powerful.

Whoa!

"Open your door"?

Ah!

Oh, my God, Ben! We're about to die.

- Good lord! - Oh, my--

The robots have come for us.

I made fun of you when you said it would happen

but your novel has come true.

Hey, Leslie Knope!

Please enjoy this free gift,

courtesy of Gryzzl.

- Okay, so they also have a squadron

of flying robots giving presents to everyone.

We're screwed.

*

New dish we're working on.

Tell me what you think.

It's a red and white heirloom red bean pasta,

with an imported Tuscan walnut herb sauce,

infused with shaved heritage Pecorino Romano.

What? You're done?

- Mmm. Really good.

Why are you doing new dishes?

Lucy is visiting her boyfriend Conrad in Chicago,

so I'm just trying to distract myself with work

so I don't think about the marathon bone sesh

they're probably having.

Hey, you know what, dude?

You gotta take your mind off of them.

Check this out.

It's a contract.

It came from the station manager where I do my show,

Johnny Karate. He wants me to sign it,

but is says that they'll own the character, "Johnny Karate."

And I want to own the character Johnny Karate, 'cause it's me.

- Wait, this says they only pay you a hundred bucks a week?

- Yeah, but all I really do is goof around all day.

Write, produce, and direct a TV show.

Plus, I act in it, and I do sets, props, wardrobe.

At the end, I drive everybody home, so I mean,

a hundred bucks a week-- that's pretty fair.

- This is perfect. I'll be your agent!

I'll put all my energy into renegotiating your contract.

I won't even think about Lucy and Conrad

and his stupid crunches that he probably does.

I should probably do some crunches.

Let's go!

Ow! Andy, my tum tum!

Knope, I need to talk to you.

What's up?

- I know I technically work for Gryzzl,

but these fools have crossed a line.

Have you gotten one of these GryzzlBoxes?

- Well, yeah, but I haven't opened it yet.

Planning on sending it back after I wrote a sternly-worded

letter about how I cannot be bought with free gifts.

These are my free gifts.

Two honey bears...

and a canister of sugar plums.

"Honeybear" and "Sugar Plum" are the special names

Joe and I call each other.

both: Aww.

- Yeah, we're adorable, but this is creepy.

Because we only call each other these things

on the phone or in texts.

How do they even know?

- Leslie, open that box they sent you.

- Ooh! Joe Biden's book, "Biden the Rails:

1001 Poems Inspired by My Travels

Through Amtrak's Northeast Corridor."

- A thousand? -

A poster of the Supreme Court Justices

sipping the Friends milkshake!

This stuff is perfect for me.

- Yeah, exactly. They must be data-mining.

Searching our texts and emails

and gathering profiles on all of us.

This is a huge invasion of privacy,

not to mention illegal.

When they installed their free Wi-Fi in town,

I made sure that there was language preventing this.

- I never would have agreed to work with them

if I had known they were gonna be snooping in my biz.

Gryzzl is going down.

You wanna put me on blast?

I'ma put you on Front Street.

- I don't understand what that means,

but I think I get the context, and I love it.

- April, the new Parks interns start today,

and I was wondering if you would deliver a little welcome speech.

No, go away.

- Watermelon, martinis, exposed brick, Keri Russell's hair.

- Why did you just say those weird things?

- On the advice of my therapist, Dr. Richard Nygard,

whenever I feel like yelling, I just take a deep breath

and say three great things about being alive.

- Gross. - Please talk to my interns.

- Fine. Whatever, I'll do it.

I started here when I was 20,

and now I'm old and gross and directionless.

Those kids are me ten years ago,

and this internship is the videotape from The Ring.

It's too late for me. I've seen too much.

But maybe I can save them.

You're all gonna die in here!

Hello, everyone.

We are here today to discuss Gryzzl,

and whether or not they are invading our privacy.

- They sent my husband three boxes of genital cream

to his office.

My husband's splotchy genitals are no one's business,

except for his, mine, and his many genital doctors.

- They sent me a bunch of toy pigs dressed like movie stars.

That's my private hobby.

No one knows I collect toy pigs dressed like movie stars,

except now all of you people.

Which one is that?

- This is actually Ham-uel L. Jackson

from the movie, Pork Fiction, it's extremely rare,

and I am keeping it.

But still, they no right to give me something I will treasure

the rest of my life.

- I opened my box in front of all of my friends,

and it was a bunch of Virginia Woolf novels.

Now Miley and Haley know I like to read.

What if they tell Evan?

- I like their phones, but they've gone too far

sending this stuff to our houses.

Gryzzl has no right to search our private data.

- So wait, you guys are not against us on this?

We're not against you on this.

We're not against you on this.

all: We're not against you on this.

- Finally, after months of searching for a way

to defeat Gryzzl, we have found its Achilles' heel.

The town is behind us, Donna is on our side,

and the next domino to fall?

Ron Swanson.

Actually, this is Tom Sell-oink, but, you know, close enough.

- Actually, I'm gonna need that back.

.

- February 2016--I think you're gonna really enjoy

this month's photo album.

It includes such hits as: "First Trip to the Dentist,"

"Sonia Tries Pizza,"

and "Waterpark Vomit Chain Reaction."

- Why would you take pictures of that?

- Why would you not? - As you requested,

here's a picture of my son at a recent moment in his life.

So cute--

What are you doing? - Protecting my son's privacy.

What, I'm just gonna carry around pictures of my child

where anyone could see them?

- Well, it's funny you should mention privacy

because that's our next topic.

- Ron technically works for Gryzzl.

And when he finds out what Gryzzl is doing,

he is going to lose. His. Mind.

- I have no reaction to this. - What?

- I do not pass judgment on the workings

of private businesses.

I just build their buildings.

And frankly, if people are foolish enough

to carry around a doodad

that lets Gryzzl track their every move,

this is what they get.

But it's illegal.

I don't believe that's true.

I've spent a fair amount of time

with Gryzzl's high-priced lawyers,

and they do seem to, as they say,

"keep it 100."

- Well, those fools still think I work for them.

So I can get you a private VIP tour of the building.

Maybe you can snoop around.

- Hey there, homies, I'm Roscoe.

Psyched to give you guys a tour.

- Yes, hello, I'm Darlene Johannsen,

and this is my assistant-turned-lover,

Gregory Strong.

Ours is a new romance, but one that sent shockwaves

through my architecture firm.

But it feels so right. - Steady.

- We love Gryzzl, and we would love to see how it all works.

- Sweet. Let's get loco.

- Okay, so, let's get to know each other.

Talk about why you're here,