Two and a Half Men

Here. Try this.

What is it?

Just try it.

Hey, that's good.

Of course it is. It's chicken in frumunda sauce.

Frumunda sauce?

Yeah, from unda the toilet.

Get it, Dad?

Yeah, yeah, I get it.

I got it 30 years ago the first time he said it.

Yeah, but it's new to him.

Check this out.

Hey, Jake, what do you call the red mushy stuff

between the elephant's toes?

What? Slow-moving natives.

I love this kid.

He's a comedy blank slate.

Yeah, I'm glad you love him,

but you may not want to share your chopsticks with him.

I think he's coming down with something.

Oh, no.

He thinks it's a head cold, but it's snot.

Wait a minute, you don't know that one either?

Oh, I have so much to teach you, grasshopper.

Hey, do you know how to make arm farts?

Charlie...

Charlie...

not at the dinner table.

I'll show you later.

Hey, before I forget, you got plans for tomorrow night?

No. Make some.

I'm going to need the house to myself.

Fine.

Don't you want to know why?

Uh, Jake, if you're done,

you can go to your room and start your homework.

Oh, this is about sex, right?

Kids today, huh?

Doesn't know frumunda sauce, but gets why I need the house.

Dude, I got a bunch of jokes

you're going to love in a year or two.

Cool!

Go.

You think I'm just a kid, but I'm snot.

Wait. That's not right.

Okay. Have you ever had revenge sex?

Hang on.

Jake, are you in your room?

( footsteps running across floor )

Yeah.

Revenge sex?

Is that, uh, anything like pity sex?

Whole different animal.

Ah.

Let me break it down for you.

There's this woman, Kathy. Lives up the beach.

Beautiful woman. I've wanted her for years.

Only one problem.

She's married to kind of a friend of mine.

Kind of a friend?

Well, I never really liked him, but he had a hot wife.

So the sanctity of marriage does slow you down a bit.

I'm impressed.

Thank you.

But then I catch a break.

He cheats on her with her best friend.

She throws him out.

So now I'm thinking she's going to want justice.

Justice meaning revenge sex with you?

You see it, too, huh?

Yeah, you're going to exploit someone's anger and grief

for your own animal gratification.

Hey, I don't bitch about your hobbies.

Anyway, she's coming over here on Sunday,

so I'm going to need you to be out of the way

because we'll probably be moving from room to room.

I'll catch a movie.

Just mop up when you're done.

You got it.

I told you, don't take things off his plate.

He's coming down with something.

Relax. I never get sick.

Boy...

is he sick.

Well, I can't say he didn't warn me.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men *

* Men... *

How you feeling?

Horrible.

Is that tea?

Yeah.

Ah.

Look, I know I said

I wanted you out of the house for my date tonight,

but you're obviously indisposed, so don't worry about it.

Thank you.

Just stay in your room

so the coughing and hacking doesn't kill the mood.

Anything else I can do to enhance your evening?

Well, do you know how to work my camcorder?

I'm bored. What are we going to do today?

I don't know. Why don't we make some lunch and figure something out.

Cool.

Excuse me!

Has anyone noticed I'm sick and miserable here?

Yes, Alan, we noticed.

Which is why we're gonna make like hockey players

and get the puck outta here.

Get it, Dad?

Puck's not a bad word, but it sounds like one.

Yeah, hilarious.

Hey, Uncle Charlie.

Let's make like soccer players

and get our big... leather balls out of here.

Good one.

Hey, you know, I caught this from you.

How come you're not sick?

I am. ( sniffles, coughs ) See?

He's just not being a baby about it.

: Hi.

Oh, perfect.

Rose, this isn't the best time.

Alan's pretty sick.

Oh, no...

Poor Alan.

Is Charlie taking good care of you?

Not really.

Would you like me to take care of you?

Not really.

Oh, don't be silly. Move over.

Rose, Rose...

wh-what... what are you doing?

I'm transmitting healing energy

from my body to yours.

Looks like you're in good hands.

Come on, Jake.

I don't think that's gonna help him.

No, but it helps us.

Is he going to be able to take me back to Mom's later?

Don't worry. If he can't, I will.

Hey, how can you tell

if an elephant's been in your refrigerator?

How?

There's footprints in the cheesecake.

But we don't have a cheesecake.

That's the part you don't buy?

Do you feel the healing energy?

If I say yes, will you get off me?

: Hello?

Mom?

For God's sake, Alan,

I sit on that couch.

Mom, I'm sick.

We're all sick, darling, but we use discretion.

No, he has the flu, Evelyn.

Oh, you poor baby.

What can Mommy do for you?

It's okay. I'll manage.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Now what do you need?

I don't know.

I am kind of thirsty.

Well, then, you should be drinking lots of fluids.

Okay.

Would you like a nice, hot bowl

of my special chicken noodle soup?

That would be nice.

Rose, call Greenblatt's

and have them send over some soup.

As a matter of fact, I'm famished.

Order me...

Order me

a turkey on rye with maybe a little Swiss.

Oh, on second thought, delivery takes forever.

Would you care to join me for lunch?

What about Alan?

Oh, we'll have something sent back for him.

Okay.

So what's Charlie been up to?

Well... what do you know about revenge sex?

Quite a bit, actually.

I'm still thirsty.

Hey.

Looking good.

That's not very hygienic.

We wash dishes in that sink.

Well, somebody does.

Did the chicken soup Mom sent over from Greenblatt's

ever show up?

Nope.

Well, I'm glad you got some rest 'cause I have got great news.

There is no great news.

There's no light at the end of the tunnel.

There's no silver lining.

There's just this hell on earth

and the slow wait for the sweet release of death.

Okay, let's call it good news.

The girl I'm going out with tonight

needs a date for her sister.

Are you insane?