Whitney

Okay. (LAUGHS)

Okay. You're an idiot.

You know what?

Don't. Come on, don't. What? What? Do you not want...

Come on. No. Stop. No, honey.

Stop it. You're... Give me that.

No. Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't. Come here.

We're going to be late for the ceremony.

WHlTNEY: When is the last time a wedding actually started on time?

That's because they're always waiting for you.

Okay, okay, okay, okay. I'm ready. Okay.

Whit, you're going to wear a hoodie to a wedding?

What, were your overalls in the wash?

Okay. I almost froze to death at Nick and Rachel's wedding.

You mean the one that was in Mexico.

Where the groomsmen wore shorts?

How dare you. You know that I have bad circulation.

And it got worse after I got laser hair removal for you.

All right, come on. We've really got to go.

Okay, fine. But I won this.

Okay. What?

Whit, you can't wear white to a wedding.

Come on. It's got a pattern.

Yeah. A white pattern.

Ugh! Such a stupid rule.

What, does the bride think the groom is going to get confused

and marry me by accident?

Getting married is so dumb.

Just because your parents each got divorced three times

doesn't mean that all marriages are bad.

Half of all marriages end.

If half of all planes crashed, would you continue to fly?

It's just so much faster than driving.

Zip me.

Is this new? No. I just hate it.

I feel like all we ever do is go to weddings.

I can't remember the last time I sat down to eat

without a D.J. telling me to get this party started.

Okay.

Okay, phone. Got it.

Keys. Got them.

Purse. Not that whipped.

Wait, is that what you're wearing?

WHlTNEY: Whitney is taped in front of a live studio audience.

You heard me.

Hi. Hi. Hey.

Neal, do you have my purse? Got it.

Wow. Again with the matching.

Oh, no. It was totally an accident this time.

Well, was it? Or is it...

That we love the same things.

They've been together a year. Let them have it.

Babe, we got Table 8.

We met at a wedding at Table 8.

Yeah. And wound up in a Motel Six.

WHlTNEY: Okay.

Hey... Wow. Okay. Hi.

Hey. Hi.

Uh, Roxanne, you can't wear pants to a wedding.

Lil, get off my balls.

I pay alimony to an ex-husband

who does spoken word for a living.

I could wear cargo pants. That's true.

Are they, uh... Are they already serving drinks?

Hmm? Oh, no. I brought this.

Nice dress.

You should have worn the hoodie.

Yeah.

Let's get this party started!

Hola. Alex. Whitney.

Hey. Shalom.

Neal. Lily. Ouch.

Roxy. Love the side boob.

That's armpit fat.

It all feels the same in the dark.

Mark, how are you ever late?

You have sirens on top of your car.

Dude, I was down at the station doing a little recon.

Uh, you mean stalking the bridesmaids on Facebook.

Yes.

Two of them love Police Academy.

So, someone is going on a ride-along tonight.

On my face. WHlTNEY: Okay.

You know what? We know what you're saying.

Yeah.

She's going to throw the bouquet.

You guys, come on! Okay.

Yeah.

LlLY: Neal?

Someone's getting a cavity search...

Hey, man. You actually don't have to do that.

Okay? It's just me. Relax.

Okay, thanks.

Excuse me. Aren't you the guy

who sold that big lnternet company?

Yeah, hi, I'm Alex. Have we met?

I'm Sarah.

We met at Jeff's birthday party.

A bunch of people are doing shots if you want to come.

Oh. Yeah, you know, l...

I have a girlfriend, so I can't really engage in any type of merriment.

Yeah, you date that photographer girl who's really loud.

Whitney.

Honey, do you have those Pepto things?

It's just that the scallops are getting chatty.

Excuse me.

Oh. Sorry. Are you going to...

Taking off? Yeah. Taking off.

Got it.

That Ashley girl is a beast.

Yeah, she's currently under investigation.

Enjoy another year of eHarmony, biotch!

Boom.

Dude, what were you doing out there?

I set a pick.

Yeah. I just read in Cosmo

that one of the keys to a healthy relationship

is participating in your partner's passions.

Well, Cosmo is for skanks.

No, it has interesting statistics.

Like, "Couples with the most successful relationships

"have sex four or five times a week."

Five times a week? Yeah.

Who has time for that?

Well, that is what happened in my marriage.

I mean, things got platonic.

We stopped having sex.

Well, I stopped having sex.

He continued with other people.

It's not his fault. He's a man.

Monogamy is not natural.

If the cavemen had been monogamous,

there would be, like, six people.

Mark, you can't justify everything you do using cavemen.

Why not? The cavemen did it.

I'm just saying.

Once you're in a long-term relationship,

you're not tapping that every night.

Oh, look. They're going to do the cake.

Some of the cupcakes are missing.

It was her.

Wow. You're on fire tonight.

What are you closing with, black face?

I just got an email from Mark.

Went home with the pregnant girl.

He said he wants to know if it counts as a threesome.

Ah. Your feet are freezing.

Why aren't we having sex?

'Cause your hair is up and I ate pork.

Okay. I don't mean now.

I mean, why aren't we having it more often?

What do you mean, my hair is up?

When your hair is up, you don't like to be touched.

Or talked to.

When's the last time I wore my hair down?

Uh... Two years ago?

Okay. Be serious. I just...

I don't think we're having sex enough.

I mean, why aren't we tapping this every night?

Well, you can tap that whenever you want.

This is serious, okay? This is a thing.

This happened to Roxanne.

This happened to my mother with all three of her husbands.

I don't want to end up like my mother.

She has seven parrots.

I thought she had seven therapists.

Yeah. She has 14 things telling her she's pretty.

I just... Do you know what this Sunday is?

Yeah, it's our three-year anniversary.

You knew that? Yeah.

We haven't even planned anything.

I mean, we did something good last year, right?

Yeah, you took Tylenol P.M.

In the a.m.

I mixed up the bottles.

And as I recall, you still had sex with me.

It was our anniversary.

Okay. I just...

We're going to do something awesome this year.

Okay? But for now, you just...

You just stay in that bed. All right?

Because a storm of sexy is going to come your way.

So, just... Just get your umbrella.

That's not good.

That's... What is that?

This is what...

That's not what l...

No, I can't.

Whit, what happened in there?

The storm of sexy is probably coming through more like tomorrow-ish.

Okay. Okay, Lil. Careful with the cleavage.

What? If I'm going to start a blog, I want to look good.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

You're a food critic, not a Kardashian.

So, you and Neal never go, like, four or five days without having sex?

Uh-uh. I work very hard at keeping our sex life good.

I do Kegels every day.

Huh.

I'm doing them right now.

WHlTNEY: Hey. LlLY: Hi.