Young & Hungry

Oh!

Breaking Bad Season Five downloaded.

Sofia, it's Friday night!

Yeah, it is!

We're not gonna sleep till the sun comes up!

You're damn right we're not!

Both: Aren't you gonna change? Why would I change?

We're going out clubbing tonight.

No, we're not. We're finishing Breaking Bad tonight.

You know what's breaking bad? Your dating life.

What are you talking about?

I date.

You've been on three dates in the past year and you found a reason to hate all of them.

That's not true!

You remember Mr. Brilliant?

How could I forget?

"The traffic is brilliant.

"The lighting was brilliant.

"These ice cubes are brilliant."

Okay, well, then you didn't like Rick

because he dotted his I's with a bubble.

And he had a flip phone.

What are we, cavemen?

Okay, listen...

Sweetie, did you ever think maybe you're just a little too picky?

No!

Look, you just don't get it,

because you have a super Cooper bear.

Yeah, and that's why I'm pushing you so hard.

I want you to have a super significant other bear.

Well, it ain't gonna happen,

because all the perfect guys are taken.

I met the perfect guy!

- (Gasps) - (Laughs)

Marco!

Polo!

Where'd you meet him? The pool?

In the pool of hotties on "HeyCupid."

It's a dating app

where you hold your phone up

and if a guy nearby likes your profile,

bam!

Now I have Marco.

He's cool, sexy, and owns a gourmet butcher shop.

Oh, wow!

Sofia hasn't had a good piece of meat in a while.

So, uh,

we're going on our second date tonight,

so I just came to pick up some mo' wine.

- (Timer dings) - Oh!

And whatever might be in your oven.

Whoo!

Girl, I am so glad I moved next door.

Sofia...

don't even say it.

I'm not using that app.

Men of the world, you've had your chance.

My ass might not quit, but I do.

Yeah, well, luckily I don't.

"HeyCupid," meet Sofia Maria Consuelo Rafeala Rodriguez.

That's gonna be an autocorrect nightmare.

I need you to press pause on your pathetic little life and help me hide Josh's stuff.

Caroline just announced her engagement.

What?

But she and Josh broke up, like, two months ago.

I thought she'd be too busy

making coats out of dalmatian puppies

to get married again.

Wait, does Josh know?

Why do you think I'm hiding his laptop

his smartphone...

And whatever this vibrating thing is?

Yolanda just told me Caroline's engaged?

Damn it!

Listen, Josh,

just because Caroline is engaged doesn't mean

you need to go start feeling

- all bad about yourself. - I don't.

You know, like, "Am I not charming enough?

"Am I not funny enough? Am I getting fat?"

Gabi.

Just for the record, Josh,

I'd love you even if you did get fat.

Guys,

I'm happy for Caroline.

We weren't meant to be together. It's all good.

You don't need to be brave for us, big guy.

Bring it in.

I don't need to go in.

I'm good.

Can I tell you a secret?

What?

If he got fat, wouldn't love him.

Oh, Elliot, can you grab my phone?

I'm elbow-deep in dumplings.

I'm elbow-deep in "I don't care."

Please,

I made Sofia a fake dating profile

and every time it dings, it means she got a match.

Don't you want to see?

Are the guys shirtless?

No.

Then no.

Shoot. Uh...

Ooh, Ruben.

Let's see, college graduate,

works in marketing,

five foot...

Eleven! (Gasps)

Oh! Elliot, it looks like we have a match.

Did you know, statistically,

cellphones are dirtier than toilet seats?

I did not.

Excuse me, I'll be in the bathroom,

scrubbing my face till I bleed.

What do you think?

Marco's taking me to lunch,

and I'm trying to look young.

Is he picking you up 20 years ago?

I'm gonna go touch-up my makeup.

Josh's paint roller is in the laundry room.

Hi, I'm here to...

Elliot?

Marco?

You're the Marco that's going out with Yolanda?

But you used to date men,

and by men, I mean me.

Okay, this just got a little weird.

I haven't seen you since the Madonna concert.

That was a terrible place to dump me.

I haven't been able to listen to her music since.

Honey, no one has.

Oh, Elliot,

I see you've already met Marco.

Yes, we just met.

Just now.

Not at Brad's Tony Awards party.

Well, let's go, baby.

Marco, are you sure you wouldn't be more comfortable using the back door?

So...

What are we thinking for lunch, babe?

Thai? Italian?

Why don't you try Korean?

Oh, wait.

You have.

Ruben, this is not a big deal.

Okay? You've just got to tell Sofia

that you're a friend of my boyfriend, Cooper.

How tight am I with this Cooper?

I mean, do we have nicknames for each other?

Would the guy give me a kidney?

Why? Why do you need a kidney?

That was not in your profile.

Look, look, I think your roommate is really cute,

- but I'm just not comfortable lying. - (Gasps) Sofia!

And suddenly, I'm comfortable.

Wow,

you're even prettier than your picture...

That, ah, Coop showed me at work

where I don't need a kidney.

O... kay. So you're in tech.

Tech... nology?

He was, but now he's not.

Yeah, I had a career change.

I work for an establishment that makes sandwiches.

It's called Sammich's.

You heard of it?

Fast food, yes.

Have you ever heard of someone having to leave

a date early because she has an appointment?

This is that.

Sofia.

I cover five of their franchises as a marketing associate.

I can reschedule.

Yeah, you can.

You know, Coopster told me you were smart,

funny, and gorgeous.

If you ask me,

he under-promised and over-delivered.

Marketing speak.

Gabi, I just remembered that you have to leave early

because you have an appointment.

- No, I don't. - You do!

Okay.

Good morning, my beautiful best friend.

Well, "good morning" before coffee?

It looks like somebody has a roommate that found her the perfect guy!

Shh! He's in there right now.

Wow.

Damn, girl.

Way to make up for lost time.

Was it like riding a bicycle

or was it like riding a bicycle a whole bunch of times?

No, all we did was talk.

Naked?

No, you know I'm old fashioned.

Booty's gotta wait till at least the seventh date.