Crackcoon

Are you sure he said he'll be here?

Yeah, but Denny,

you can count on Denny showing up.

As long as there's money.

I ain't got no money.

Don't worry about it, don't worry about.

I got you covered. I got you covered.

As long as that greasy motherfucker

decides to show up, I got you covered.

-Ah, yeah, speak of the devil. -There he is now.

-You got the stuff? -You got money, ho?

'Cause you know I don't take no American Express.

I got the dough, I got the money

for what we need.

Great, then let's talk business.

How much rock did you want?

A hundred bucks of rock.

You two plan on throwing a party or OD'ing together?

Hey, man, we didn't come here to be insulted, all right?

Now you gonna sell us some nuggets

or we gotta go elsewhere?

Oh, no offense, ma'am.

Old Denny here's got something a little extra special

for you two tonight.

What the fuck you talking about?

Bro, I'm talking about the latest thing to hit town.

Acid mind drainage.

Fuck that, man.

We just want regular, regular rock. Regular rock.

Yeah, yeah, no bullshit, all right?

No, no, no, hear me out here. I'm still talking crack.

But this is like super-charged crack.

Like, this shit will blow your minds.

And your dicks.

You tell me you ain't heard of this orange shit.

No, man.

I've been around long enough to be able to smell bullshit

a mile away... ...and I'm smelling it now.

Just tell me about it. Is this shit gonna cost me

-an arm and a leg, or what? -Nah.

Nah, today we doing discount price.

I charge you the same

and I hit you up with the new shit.

- Okay, all right, man. - Hook us up.

But if this shit don't get us off like you saying,

we're just not coming back anymore.

This looks a little... looks like little orange candy.

What the hell?

Some magically delicious, oh, me Lucky Charms.

Think Denny was just bullshitting us?

Well, we'll find out in a minute.

You know, you heard his pitch, man.

Here, look. You heard his pitch.

Shit's gotta be slamming.

Unless he was handing us a line of bullshit anyway.

Yeah, sure is weird.

Look like little, little orange candies.

Let me see, let me see, let me see.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

You... you're... you're gonna share this with me

like you said, right, man?

Of course, of course!

But, um, I'm gonna have to try it first.

You know what I'm saying, just to make sure that, uh,

that it is quality... quality stuff.

Hold on a sec, right?

Oh, unless he was bullshitting us anyway.

Vic.

-This shit's amazing! -Yeah?

Vic, come on,

I don't got all day.

Come on, man, it's my turn.

All right, all right, all right, come on, my turn, my turn!

Come on, come on, man.

No!

Hey, Dutch, you got any of that crack left?

Oh, fuck!

You know, for the chump change

this cheap-ass county's paying me,

I oughta give up doing autopsies altogether.

I've got a funeral parlor to run upstairs.

I don't need this gruesome little side gig.

Come on, Lewis.

I mean, they'd still be wheeling in your gunshot victims,

your stabbing victims.

And you know, kids getting mangled up in car accidents.

Yeah, but all I have to do is make 'em look pretty.

I don't have to saw off the tops of their skulls.

Yeah, you make a good point.

This one freaks me out.

Especially when I think about her eyes,

which aren't really there, man.

It... it's like somebody stuffed little tiny oranges in there.

The pupils were gone.

Yeah, I... I can't believe the perp kept hitting her

over and over. I mean,

couldn't he see that she was dead?

I mean, it... it just makes me wanna puke, you know?

He kept stabbing her with the crack pipe

-over and over. -Hold on, hold on.

-Calm down, calm down. -Sorry, sorry.

You know, we have a job to do here.

What you're seeing is the effects

of a designer, so-called street drug.

I think it's probably maybe a combination

of... of crack cocaine

and... and something like bath salts.

And we know what bath salts does,

it not only cleans out your bowels and your intestines,

it sucks the brain outta your head.

Right, like, uh,

like when we aspirate one of our normal guys.

That's it exactly.

Fucks 'em up and they don't even know it.

Speaking of which, you hear about that guy down in Miami?

So fucked up on bath salts,

he ate his girlfriend's face off.

I followed that case seriously

'cause it was so weird, you know?

Both of 'em were on bath salts.

He bit her in the face,

must've liked it 'cause he kept going.

He chomped all the flesh right off of her skull.

And sitting there on the curb,

chewing on it with a grin on his face,

like he was eating a fine steak.

She died in the ER.

I'm telling you,

if the cops don't get a handle on this

sooner rather than later,

we're gonna be up to our eyeballs

in these sloppy joes before long.

Well, the lab guys say they can't forecast

who's gonna go a little bit crazy

or who's gonna just flat out die.

I guess given all that, I... I'd understood

if you give up autopsies, I get it.

I actually enjoy making 'em look really nice

for when their loved ones

come in and see 'em in the viewing room.

But I gotta tell you, anymore,

I really dread having to cut into them.

Yeah, I get that. Hey, you wanna grab lunch?

I was thinking maybe, um, orange chicken.

Hey, Chinese sounds good to me, man.

You know, in spite of all this,

I still got a cast iron stomach.

Huh.

Hey, do you think she looks like that one waitress?

Yeah, there's a resemblance, but she ain't as lively.

- You cooked breakfast? - Yep.

Oh, you know I can't eat

when I first get up in the morning.

Well, it's not just for you. I made some coffee too.

Well, coffee I can do.

You're up awfully early.

I figure with it being spring break and all,

you'd be sleeping in.

You know me. I just get up no matter what.

Well, I wish I was like that.

I'd sleep until noon every day if I could.

Well, growing up on a farm will do that to you.

We got up at the crack of dawn every day.

You just get used to it after a while.

So what are you gonna do today?

I don't know.

Maybe like grade some papers and do a little cleaning.

You have the entire week off. Why don't you do something fun?

I have too much to do.

Go down and do something for yourself

and relax this week. It's spring break.

Spring break is for kids, you know?

Like, I'm just too busy.

It will get done. Do something nice for yourself.

Well, I guess it's been a while

since I've done any painting.

Exactly.

You can get started on a new one today.

Maybe I will. What do you have going on today?

Well, just patrolling the back mountain.

Ooh, that sounds like fun.

Well, with all those college kids going up there,

I'm sure it'll be a little interesting.

You better make sure they're not up to no good.

Well, they are college kids and it is spring break.

It wasn't that long ago that we were those college kids.

Yeah. Wow, time has flown.

Yeah, too fast. I miss those days.

Are you really that unhappy?

Now, why would you even ask that?

Well, that business with Liam and all,

- I just thought... - I'm sorry! Okay?

I made a mistake,

and I haven't even seen Liam in a coon's age.

I thought we weren't gonna talk about this anymore!

Okay, okay.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry too.

I don't know how many times I have to apologize.

Look, just forget about it.