Family Guy

Tvnnouncer: From time life music, comes a one-of-a kind

Rat pack collection, "their most bigoted songs."

All your favorite, once acceptable hits like

"drunk old injun."

¶ the drunk old injun's squattin' in his teepee ¶

¶ fire water keepin' him warm. ¶

Announcer: "jewish nose"

¶ she's got a big, beautiful jewish nose ¶

¶ and it's there two minutes early wherever she goes. ¶

Announcer: Dean martin singing "chinaman's chance."

¶ and mr. Chinaman say, in his chinaman way ¶

¶ a ding-a-ling, a ching-a-chong a ching-a-chong choo. ¶

Announcer: "pew, stinky frenchman."

¶ paris is lovely and nice sure is nice ¶

¶ and marseilles is charming with champagne on ice ¶

¶ but you, stinky frenchman, haven't a clue ¶

¶ pew, stinky frenchman, frog you. ¶

"hey there, fruity."

¶ hey there, fruity ¶

¶ you can do my hair ¶

¶ hey there, fruity ¶

¶ don't touch me down there ¶

¶ hey there, fruity ¶

¶ you're gay and I don't approve. ¶

Announcer: And many more!

You know, I'm sick of looking at that.

What? That empty space.

It just reminds me that cleveland's not here anymore.

Yeah, it's just not the same without him.

I sure wish he...

Hey, guys, look!

It's him!

Hey, cleveland!

Why didn't you tell us you were back, buddy?

Oh, it's a lamp.

You know, guys, I've been thinkin'.

We need a new fourth guy for our group.

We're a man short.

Like stadler without waldorf.

You know, without the other guy yappin' in my ear,

These guys aren't half bad.

Now I know you're interested in being the fourth guy

In our entourage, kevin connolly, but don't you

Think you're a little small? Listen, I tell you what.

You can be in our group if I can have some of your cereal.

Oh, no! They're after me kevin connolly charms!

How's your friend search going?

not great, lois. What friend search?

Oh, we're just trying to find

A friend to replace cleveland.

We've been meeting people

For the past three days.

Well, you don't need to look for somebody new.

I'll hang out with you guys. Yeah, you know,

I don't think that's gonna work out, brian,

'cause of the whole quagmire thing.

What quagmire thing?

Oh, you know, just that he hates you.

Quagmire hates me? Hates you.

I-I don't get it. Why, why wouldn't quagmire like me?

Because he thinks you're annoying.

Like people who never shut up about their kids.

He, he would have been four today.

I-I still don't understand.

How do you drown in an inch of water?

well...

I guess I don't have a new sweater and a haircut.

: Who would've thought

It would be this hard to replace cleveland?

You know, guys, we've kind of been

Ignoring the obvious here.

I mean, if you really break it down,

What we need is a black guy.

Yeah, that was the best thing about cleveland.

Oh, by far. I sure do miss him.

Peter's right. We gotta find another black guy.

Yeah, 'cause otherwise we're just

A bunch of boring white guys.

Like a london gentlemen's club.

(clears throat even louder)

(clears throat loudly)

(clears throat even louder)

(clears throat loudly)

(clears throat loudly)

(annoyingly clears throat)

(clears throat noisily)

(clears throat a bit softer)

(clears throat even softer)

(clears throat briefly)

(clears throat softly)

(clears throat very quietly)

Hey, you guys want to enter the darts tournament?

First prize is free drinks all night.

Oh, we'd love to, horace, but there's only three of us.

Man: Did I hear some sorry ass fools

In need of a motherlovin' fourth?

I'll join your darts game.

How do we know you're any good?

Gentlemen, we got us a black man.

Oh, boy, what a fantastic evening.

Jerome, you are a wonderful addition to our group.

Hey, thanks, peter.

I like you guys, too.

What do you say we hit another bar, keep it goin'?

I can't. There's a girl tied up in my basement who needs some food.

That's funny. You funny, pointy man.

Yeah, I... I joke around a lot.

Thanks for the lift home, jerome.

Hey, if you got time to come in,

I'd love for you to meet my wife.

I got time for whatever I want, fool.

My watch don't tell time, I tell it.

Wow, you're cooler than a york peppermint pattie.

When I bite into a york peppermint pattie,

I get the sensation...

Of being on a frozen mountaintop!

It has been two months since I made the tragic choice

To bite into a york peppermint pattie,

And still I have made no progress

Finding my way out of the mountains.

The only food I have is the rest of this

York peppermint pattie, which unfortunately,

Keeps bringing me back to the top of the mountain.

If anyone finds this, tell my family I love them.

...Of being on a frozen mountaintop!

Hey, lois. I'd like you to meet our new friend...

Jerome?

Loose lois?

Wha... You guys know each other?

Know each other?

Peter, jerome is an old boyfriend of mine.

What?!

Sorry, I was out of it. Wait, are we being robbed?

Peter, I know I told you about jerome.

Lois, I would've remembered if you told me that.

I told you, peter.

I remember exactly what we were doing.

I slept with a black guy.

I hope this doesn't make you feel awkward, my man.

It was a long time ago.

Hey, that's a beautiful baby.

Mind if I hold him?

Go right ahead.

Hey there, lil' fella.

What's that around your neck?

Well, I say, it's a little black jesus.

¶ black jesus. ¶

I rode into town on an ass.

Your mama's ass.

¶ black jesus. ¶

It was really good to see you, lois.

We should grab a coffee or something and catch up.

That would be great.

It was really nice to see you, too.

Well, it's gettin' late, jerome.

I'm sure you got stuff to do.

Yeah, I gotta go down to the gas station

And buy a framed painting of a tiger.

Catch y'all later.

You're not really gonna hang out with him, lois, are ya?

We're just friends, peter.

Don't tell me you're jealous?

Well, you datin' that guy? It's just a lot to take in.

: Oh, you're tellin' me.

Oh, come on! Those kinds of jokes aren't helpin'.

Well, what do you want me to say?

You're bein' silly.

I mean, jerome and I dated over 12 inches ago.

: I said inches!

What did I just say?! I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Okay, look, just relax.

You're my husband and I love you,

So just put jerome out of your head.

Get him out of my life is more like it.

Brian, I just found out chris farley died.

Yeah, that happened like 12 years ago.

But I just watched tommy boy yesterday.

He was right there. Yeah, that's a movie.

It's shot beforehand. It's not happening right now.

Really? But I thought my knocking on the tv glass

Distracted him, and that's what made him fall down that hill.

: Oh, oh, seeing him fall down that hill

Put me in a good humor!

Stewie, get lost.

What are you doing just standing out here?

I'm waiting for quagmire to get his mail.

I'm gonna conveniently stroll by

And strike up a conversation with him,

And maybe find out why he hates me.

Oh, I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding.

You'll smooth it over.

Hey, quagmire, what a coincidence.

You and me just runnin' into each other.

How, how ya doin'? Fine.