The Night Time World

- Believe nothing you hear,

and only half of what you see.

- That was the great Edgar Allen Poe,

and his words couldn't be more true, especially now.

Good evening everyone,

and welcome to your live podcast guide into the unknown.

Are you ready to take a journey

with me into "The Night Time World"?

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I will be opening up the lines in just a few minutes

to hear your voices over the night,

but as always, I have some great stories to share with you

to help us pass the time.

The first is about an ad in the back page classifieds

for, well, you'll just have to hear for yourself.

And then a few on the subject of eternal life.

That's right, my personal favorite, vampires.

Before I get to the stories, I'd like to start the night

by addressing some of the feedback and calls

from last week's show,

one on the concept of the undead,

specifically the supernatural.

I started this podcast to look at the stranger

more frightening side of life,

the things hidden by the light of day.

There's a reason why we fret at night,

why fear comes to us as we're lying in bed

waiting for sleep,

because sleep is the closest thing to death

that life has to offer us.

I believe that every time we sleep,

we're experiencing a little death,

we shut down, and our souls leave our bodies.

For where?

I don't know.

But you've told me of your out-of-body experiences,

and let me tell you, I think of death all the time.

I don't want to die.

I don't think anyone does.

Perhaps a few of you don't want to live anymore,

but how could anyone want death

without really knowing what that means?

Whether it's a quick death

or one from old age, painless or not.

The issue for me is nothing.

I'm not worried about heaven or hell.

Either would be fine, I suppose.

But what if there's just nothing?

A few years ago, I had to be put under for a procedure.

They used some great drugs.

One minute I was awake,

then they pumped that shit into me,

and the next thing I know, I'm waking up.

It was all over.

And in between, there was nothing.

I don't recall any dreams.

I don't remember anything positive or negative,

just nothing.

I see some of you want to talk about this.

Just hold tight for a moment.

What if there is no soul?

What if your brain is like a hard drive,

except that when you turn the power off,

the drive goes dead?

Everything it has on it, all those pictures,

videos, sounds, music, experiences,

are just gone, and there's nothing?

That is what I fear most.

That is what keeps me up at night.

Now, for some of you, I suppose this might sound

like a real vacation.

My mother, may she rest in peace, worked in a nursing home,

and a real shitty one at that.

Some of the stories she told me about that place

would make you question human decency.

Some would make your skin crawl.

But one in particular stuck in my memory.

There was a woman there in her 90s,

and this was several years ago, mind you.

She was physically healthy for her age,

but her mind had lost touch with reality.

She spent most of her waking hours screaming,

just terrified, screaming all the time.

Even the doctors were unable to find any answers,

and they ultimately gave up on this poor woman.

But my mother refused to give up,

and tried to comfort her however she could.

One night, my mother sat up holding this poor woman's hand,

and suddenly she went quiet.

Her eyes were glued to a spot on the ceiling,

a look of pure terror on her face.

My mother called out to her,

but the woman never acknowledged that she was there.

Suddenly the faintest whisper,

"If the gas chamber doesn't get you,

they'll shoot you dead."

You see, the woman was a Holocaust survivor

reliving her time in the camp.

The nightmares she lived through

were the only thing left in her head,

and it was a 24 hour a day horror movie.

Eternal life would be a curse

if it was anything like what that woman was experiencing,

I'm sure she would've gladly traded in those days

for a blank hard drive.

What do you think?

If you could live forever, would you want to?

Let's take a call.

The lines are open, so give me a ring if you'd like to chat.

We have a call.

This is Nada, and you are on "The Night Time World".

- I'm being made to call you.

- Okay, so I take it you're not a big fan of the show.

I want to die.

All right.

Uh, one vote for not wanting eternal life,

albeit a strange one.

Thank you for calling.

Listen,

she is making me call you.

Who is making you call me?

This isn't a story.

This is for real.

So-so you listen, and you listen carefully.

She's standing right here, and she's gonna talk to you

when it's time.

Are you in danger?

Is she going to hurt you?

She won't let me die.

And this is a problem?

- A month ago, I placed an ad on a website

for someone to kill me and record it on video.

- Why would you do that? - Listen!

She answered the ad.

Okay, I'll bite.

Put her on.

Not yet.

She wants me to tell you why she answered the ad.

- Why would anyone answer an ad like that?

- It's-it's, it's more like

a very bloody assisted suicide.

But this girl that answered, she's not human,

- Okay, I don't think I can help you,

and I have to take another call now.

- She says that you don't have any other calls.

She says that she is controlling your lines

and that I'm the only person who can call in right now.

- Regardless, I have a show to do.

So best of luck to you, sir.

Well, I certainly hope that I'll be getting some calls soon,

but in the meantime, let's get into our first story.

It's called "The Back Page",

and it takes us back to a time not so long ago

when there was something called newspapers.

That's when I found out

that the two chicks were actually two boys.

No.

Shane, come on.

Dude, I'm so fucking bad at this.

Let's just go sit at the bar.

Bad at what?

- I literally just smiled at that girl,

and she showed me like I was a leper.

Oh, come on Paul.

You just gotta loosen up.

And how do you expect to meet somebody

when you're staring at your lame ass lite beer all night?

You gotta turn around and face your fucking opponent.

And so what if some chick thinks you're a leopard?

You know, it's just- - Leper.

What?

- A leper is someone with leprosy.

It's like a skin disease.

You said leopard, which is a cat.

You got a cat?

No, no dude.

A leopard is a cat.

What I'm trying to tell you is that girl-

Oh my god, dude.

I don't even give a fuck about the words

coming outta your mouth right now.

What's up Catalina?

Shane, hi.

- There's like a hundred hot girls here, dude.

One of 'em is bound to be into this hobo look

you got going on these days.

It's all a numbers game, man.

It's about presenting yourself to as many women

as physically possible.

And when I say physically, you know what I mean,

like physically, you know?

Yeah, I know what you mean.

You don't need to mime boobs.

- Oh, I'm glad you have a vague memory

of what boobs look like.

Fuck you.