Call Me Fitz

Life is a million fucking roads

with only one destination, kids.

The big sleep, deadsville.

Population: everyone.

Take it from Fitzy.

You only get one real advantage when you're behind the wheel.

You get to choose where you want to go.

And the radio station.

What the fuck?

Fast-track to awesome!

Why take Gumdrop Lane

when you can bury the pedal on Highway 69?

What?

Where the hell am I?

This isn't Highway 69.

What the fuck?

What the fuck?

What the fuck?!

I'm tripping, that's it!

Only one way to come down from a bad batch of fucked-up!

Oh, come on!

Come on, where's my stash?

You won't find alcohol or drugs here, Richard.

Jesus, Larry!

How can you rag on my vices

when you keep hiding my fucking vices?

I don't know how to say this.

Less saying, more looking for my drugs.

I think we're dead.

Dead-fucking thirsty!

This is another dream!

No, Richard, it's not a dream.

Don't you remember?

Your crash, the head injury?

You weren't even in the car with me!

Unless I crashed into you.

Please tell me I crashed into you!

You fell!

And when you died, I died too.

'Cause I'm your conscience.

I'm a part of you.

I'm just sorry it took your demise

to prove what I've known this whole time.

You? No booze?

You?

So, this is hell!

Dream on, kid!

You're not there yet.

Holy shit!

Nicky Vebronsky!

In the flesh.

Flesh?

But aren't we dead?

Who's Mr. Specific?

Oh, I'm Larry!

He's nobody.

Vebronsky, the commission king!

Summer of love,

68 heaps in one afternoon and they never saw you again.

They said you made a deal with the devil.

Or I'm just that good.

You sold a tank to a hippie.

You sold a Volkswagen to a rabbi.

Don't forget the kid I took as collateral.

Fuck, man!

You're an inspiration!

They said you were a charmer, Fitz.

You know who I am?

He knows who I am!

Why do you think I'm here?

Someone of your stature gets the VIP treatment.

Top-of-the-line spirit guide!

Oh, Richard!

A dead used car salesman is your spirit guide?

I'm sorry, I failed you!

I tried so hard to keep you out of hell,

and now here we are!

Once more for the cheap seats, this ain't hell.

Oh, so...

so we're in purgatory?

The waiting room of the afterlife.

Come on, let me show you around.

See what I can interest you with today.

What's your poison, Fitz?

Dealer's choice, I trust you.

Let's get started on the paperwork!

Finally!

Tip of the iceberg, kid!

Albertan?

What, are you trying to kill me?

If you want the top-shelf stuff, you got to head downstairs.

Ring-a-ding-ding, let's go!

Richard, I think we should keep our options open.

Maybe heaven has alcohol too, or something better!

Like... love?

Hey, who's the spirit guide here?

Well, if hell is so much fun,

then why aren't you there, mister?

You had me at top-shelf.

This way, pal!

Yeah!

Wait up!

Look, Fitz, I know you're the real deal,

but we can't do business until you ankle that Edsel.

I'm working on it!

I know you are.

Look, take a look around, get a feel for the place.

Give me a shout.

How will I find you?

You don't find Vebronsky, kid.

Vebronsky finds you.

And if you do get to hell, tell them Nicky sent you.

Make sure they get it on the books.

Wheels up!

No, no, she's not a woman.

She's a succubus, a sexual demon.

It's a trick!

And my stewardess for all eternity.

Ring-a-ding-ding!

They prefer the term "flight attendant."

Welcome to hell.

Ban on all outside food and beverage,

recording devices... hope.

We got a great show for you tonight!

Poison-hot cuties all lined up!

Holy shit!

Hell is the Rat Pack lounge of my dreams!

Hey, easy buddy!

Vebronsky sent me!

You're not on the list.

Oh, thank God!

Hey, give me some scratch.

I'm sure we can work out this little oversight.

I don't want money.

I'm a sodomy demon.

Take him.

Uh, no, thank you very much!

Oh, come on, buddy! Work with me!

I'm a prick!

I've been a prick my whole life!

What's a guy got to do to get on that list?

Richard, I think I know why they're not letting you in.

Really?

Illuminate me, fuck-tard!

The dead, Richard!

Only the dead get into hell.

Don't you see?

We're not dead!

We're still alive, whoo!

Caucasian male, late 30s.

Blunt-force trauma to the back of the head.

Uh, breathing shallow, pupils non-responsive.

Signs of extensive drug and alcohol abuse.

Possible brain damage, over.

Brain damage?

How can you be so calm?

Ativan.

Lady, this man's life is at stake,

and you may be the key to his survival!

We're doing all we can here, okay?

Maybe your friend should learn

that the speed limit is not a suggestion.

Now is not the time for judgements, missy!

I need you to emotionally invest in this situation.

Put these on.

Of course, anything!

Don't tell me how to do my job!

Hey!

Oh, ah!

What the fuck's your problem?

Fitzy!

He's in the "whee-ooh!"

I think he may be-- he could be--

My son is dead?

Fitzy's dead?

Oh, buddy!

You really think this is a good idea?

Fucking brakes, man!

Why, Fitzy, why!

Cousin, cousin!

Our prayers have been answered.

Richard Fitzpatrick has died

in a flaming ball of twisted metal!

The ne'er-do-well prince is dead?

The kingdom is weakening!

Step one on our plans towards automotive domination!

And the king is old.

And in today's economy, he could use some help

with his mid-level retirement plans.

Courtesy of the Ruptal world, huh?

Soon, cousin, all of this, all of it will be ours!

Glory be!

Vebronsky!

Vebronsky?

Aw, come on, man!

You're supposed to be my spirit guide!

Don't leave me hanging!

Richard, he's not coming

because you don't need a spirit guide.

And once we're back to the land of the living,