Pete versus Life

Welcome, and you join us with Pete applying for a job as a dog walker.

Bit of a comedown from a sports journalist, Tel.

No, Des Lynam used to supplement his income by stealing copper wiring

from railway lines during the football off-season.

No wonder he could walk away from Countdown.

I'm not quite as fit as I was, am I, Glynn?

I don't know, I think you still look very sprightly.

Thank you.

Yeah, relatively.

But gone are the days when I used to play golf with Glynn twice a week.

Really?

He was very good. He had a nine handicap.

I bet he can give it a right good old whack.

Not this Glynn! Glynn was my husband.

You thought my dog played golf?

No, I just thought you were...

I can just see, he's an extraordinary dog

and if any dog was capable of playing golf, it'd be him.

Oh, did you hear that Glynn? Isn't he nice?

So, have I got the job?

We'll let you know.

All right.

Well, while Pete's waiting for Glynn's decision,

he's paying a visit to his mum and dad.

Two weeks ago, Noreen dislocated her shoulder line dancing.

This is Pete's first visit since the incident.

That's pretty shoddy, considering he spent most of

last week just watching a box set of Nick Hancock's Football Nightmares.

I bet my football nightmare won't be on there.

What's that?

I got caught attacking Alex Ferguson's car with a hammer.

Oh, ho, ho!

Now, I'm going to make you a nice cup of tea.

Lovely.

Aren't you going to give your mum a hand?

I can manage.

Yeah. Oh, Mum, any chance of a little toastie?

OK.

Thank you.

Oh, excuse.

Ah, hello, Gracja.

Oh, this is Peter, our son.

We've hired Gracja, to help your mum around the house while she's incapacitated.

Hello.

Hello. How are you?

'Gracja Dublovski,

'Polish and a student at art college.'

Oh, I get cleaning things?

Absolutely.

Oh, Frank, it's your film?

Mm? Oh, yes, yes, that's mine.

It's Polish.

Kieslowski's always been one of my favourite directors.

I've always been drawn to the East Europeans,

they've always been prepared to take on darker subject matter.

I thought you were more of a Clint Eastwood man.

Well, I like some of Eastwood's work, Unforgiven, Letters From Iwo Jima.

And the ones with the orang-utan.

Here we are.

Hello, Mum.

Dad was saying how much he likes Eastern European filmmakers,

because they're not afraid to tackle the darker subject matter.

Yes, but his favourite is Midsomer Murders and he always says,

"How can one village have so many murders?"

And I always laugh!

Noreen, please.

Excuse, I clean upstairs?

Yes.

Nice to meet.

Nice to meet you, as well.

Oh, she's a lovely girl. Pete, you should ask her out.

I mean, she must be a bit lonely, just over from Poland and all that.

And... she's a good Catholic girl.

How is that a recommendation?

Oh, you go?

Yeah.

Shame.

Actually, me and my new flatmate, we're going to have a...

a party at our house and do you fancy it, do you want to come?

Thank you. Oh yes, would like to come.

That's good.

Frank, isn't that lovely?

Very good.

Never play poker, Frank,

because that's what's known as a tell.

'Oh, what a result, it looks like Pete's got that dog walking job.

'Throwing a purple plastic pig over his shoulder,

'it's not fulfilling the "walking" part of the job description, is it?

'Oh, my word, what's this? He's heading straight for the A406.'

Ken? Ken!

'Oh, he's forgotten his name.'

Glynn! Glynn!

'This could be bad, Terry.'

Glynn!

Oh!

'Oh no, he's gone, Terry, he's just gone.'

Oh no, no, no, no.

It makes you realise how fleeting life is

and we should all be living every moment to the full.

And I for one, at the earliest opportunity,

I'm going to get myself a full Bupa check-up, the works,

I don't care what it costs.

I think you speak for all of us, Colin.

I'm sorry, Mrs Dobbs.

Glynn's dead.

I know.

Really? How?

A man from the RAF came, told me he'd been sucked into a jet engine.

Oh no, no, not that Glynn, the dog one.

Oh no!

It's OK.

Oh, oh no!

So, where is Glynn?

Mm?

He's in heaven?

No, I mean, where's his body?

Oh, right.

'This is going to be a tough one, Terry.'

I couldn't find it.

But there can't not be a body.

I think it's best not to think about it.

He's in a better place now, isn't he?

Yes.

OK, Mrs Dobbs, I'm going to make a move now.

You know, it's because I'm so completely alone.

I'll miss him putting his head in my lap

and saying, "Don't worry, old girl, everything will be all right."

Sorry, which...?

'Yep, best not to know.'

So now, all I've got is Glynn.

What?

My goldfish.

Well, they're not exactly partying like it's 1999.

Yeah, more like it's 1649,

when infamous fun sponge Oliver Cromwell ruled the land.

There he is, as portrayed by Richard Harris,

who, funnily enough, did know how to enjoy himself.

Oh, aye.

Well, this is shit, innit?

It's all right, mate, d'you mind if I turn the telly on?

No, you can't, it's meant to be a party.

The important thing is not to feel humiliated.

I don't.

But there's no-one here, Pete.

It's like you've literally got no friends.

Hey, I've got an idea, let's all share a secret,

it'll be bonding. I'll go first.

So, I got a massive erection when I saw my grandmother's corpse.

'Whoa, no-one saw that one coming.'

Thank Christ for that.

I'll go.

That was just a practice one, hey.

My real secret is that I have a funny middle name.

Oh, what is it?

Alan.

Come on in.

Manfred is Pete's new flatmate,

he's taken over from Kurt. Manfred also hails from Zimbabwe.

His father wanted him out of the country for safety.

Yeah, plus he was getting on his dad's tits.

Peter, she says she's a friend of yours.

Hi.

Gracja, you look amazing.

I wouldn't want to show my mum, but it's very nice.

Thank you. I designed myself.

I do fashion course at college.

Oh yeah, lovely.

I hope you don't mind, but these my friends.

The more the merrier. All right, mate?

All right?

Yeah.

Had a bit of an upsetting day, actually.

This dog I was with ran into the road, got run over and died.

Why you care, it's just dog?

'Pete was expecting sympathy

'but these East Europeans are a no-nonsense bunch.

'Well, 50 years of queuing up

'for bread in a blizzard will do that to yer.'

Oh, hi, it's Mick, he's at art school too, he's sculptor.

When I'm not off my fucking tits.

Wey.

Just about to do some crack, d'you fancy a hit?

No, thank you.

What? Why not?

I'm not really in the mood.

I thought this was a party, not a Boy Scouts meeting.

Oh, Pete not boy scout, are you, Pete?

No, no, I'd absolutely love to do some crack, but the truth is,

I'm on something else, don't really want to mix it, you know.

What was that, a bit of dope?

Heroin.

Heroin?

Yeah.

Have you got a bit for me?

No, I did the lot.

How much? About a gram.

A gram?

Yeah.

Jesus, that was risky, wasn't it?

Oh, I'm used to it, mate,