Baby Daddy

Hey, Riley.

Coffee?

Is there something different?

Give me a minute, I'll figure it out.

I've decided that it is a brand-new day for Riley Perrin.

That's right, when Riley Perrin takes a punch to the heart,

she doesn't just hit the mat like a loser.

No, no. Riley Perrin gets up and she starts fresh,

starting with her living space.

Do you like it? Riley Perrin loves it.

Well, tell Riley Perrin that I came by to bring her some coffee

and offer my support while she and Danny work through their...

...issues.

"Issues"? Really?

Is that what he said, that we're just having some issues.

Oh, okay. Well, if issues means putting his issue into someone else's issue

and lying about it for seven years, then yeah, it's an issue.

And I think you've already had enough of this.

Sorry.

Oh God, I'm just... I'm not myself right now.

You know what would be so great?

A whole five minutes without having to think or talk about Danny.

You got it.

Riley, I heard all about you and Danny.

But don't worry. Mother's here, and everything is going to be okay.

We are going to go over every heart-wrenching detail,

over and over and over again.

Then we'll talk about some of your other poor life choices...

like your hair...

and why you're still hanging out with losers.

Hey, Ben.

Hey, Mrs. Perrin.

I'll take that.

Your change. I hope you enjoyed your lunch.

And please remember for your next visit,

we have several exciting items off the menu,

but on the Benu.

By the way, I'm Ben.

Aw, you're adorable. Not happening.

- Tucker? - Giselle. Hey, girl.

Nice to see you.

Thanks for the lunch recommendation.

- See you next week? - I will be there.

Dibs! I saw her first! No, I saw her first!

She's mine. All right?

Her name is Giselle, and I met her over a month ago.

And you're still at "Nice to see you"?

You've passed your sexpiration date.

What? It's kind of tricky. All right?

She works at a clinic I've been going to,

and I only get a few minutes to talk to her before my appointment.

A clinic? Man, are you sick?

'Cause I accidentally used your toothbrush yesterday

I've had a sore throat ever since.

No, man. I'm not sick. All right?

And it's actually more of a bank than a clinic,

where you make deposits into little cups

and your ATM card is in your pants.

Are you sure you're not sick?

'Cause you kind of sound like you are to me.

She works at a sperm bank.

I started to go 'cause I needed a little extra money.

Do you know they pay almost 200 bucks a deposit?

Oh my God! I'd be a millionaire by now.

Yeah, but they only let you go once a week.

Wait. Hold up.

I can't go again, but you can.

Yeah, and while you're there, opening up an account,

I can get some quality time alone with her.

What do you say?

So you want me to leave work at peak business hours

to go across town to do something I can pretty much do anywhere at anytime?

Yeah, you're right. Never mind.

I'll be at the bank!

All right!

Who's buying me lunch today?

Eenie-meenie-miney... mo.

Not now, Mom. I'm trying to focus.

Good idea.

Last time you got distracted doing push-ups,

you broke your nose and we had to retile the kitchen floor.

No. I'm focusing on not thinking about Riley.

Sixty-six! Sixty-seven! Sixty-Riley!

Damn!

Why can't she just forgive me?

I mean, it happened seven years ago,

and more importantly, I didn't lie.

And, of course, his whole defense is that he didn't lie,

but we all know what I was asking him.

Semantics. It all comes down to semantics.

Well, let's hope you didn't use that two-dollar word on him

'cause I'm pretty sure he'll be about a buck 98 short.

Mom, how can I ever trust him again?

Oh, honey. When it comes to being a couple, trust takes time.

Time for the woman to realize you can never trust a man.

And don't worry, honey.

It's easy to win back someone's trust.

What's hard is trying to act like you've never met him when he's with his wife.

But don't worry.

This will all blow over once she starts to miss you.

Well, it's going to be hard for her to miss me

since we're throwing that stupid engagement party for our stupid friends.

Rhonda and Jeremy. I mean, we're the ones

who stupidly set them up in the first place.

Hopefully, after they get married, they'll move away

so I won't have to see her stupid cheerful face at work every day.

I mean, it's like, we get it... you're happy.

Riley, you have to get ahold of yourself.

I mean, look at you. You've clearly hit rock bottom.

- But, Mom... - No. Don't "But, Mom" me.

While I have never been a fan of the Wheelers...

and please note I just said "Wheelers" without dry heaving...

somehow, you bagged the good one.

And if you're not going to talk some sense into him, then I am.

- Mom, no! - Look, I'm sorry, honey.

But you two belong together,

and I'm not going to take no for an answer.

Jennifer.

Bonnie.

You know what, Danny? Some things aren't worth fighting for.

Pumpkin, you're still young, you'll find someone else.

Here you go.

I wasn't sure, so under "sex," I put "as much as I can."

All right.

If you want to come around here,

I can just take a quick picture for your profile and we'll be done.

If you want to wait until after, I'll probably be smiling more.

So, you're in room three,

just follow the instructions posted inside.

Make yourself comfortable and take advantage of the visual aids.

I'm good.

So, Giselle, that's a beautiful name.

Hold on!

I'm just kidding.

You guys chat. I'll get back to work.

Okay. We'll have everything set up at the bar by noon.

Can you order the champagne?

Or will that just be something else you forget

and I'll have to hear about it seven years later?

Nice shot, honey.

Something Danny's coach has never said.

The champagne will be ready. You want to know why?

Because you specifically asked for champagne

and not whether I had feelings for champagne.

Don't be afraid to take a shot at the mom too.

Okay.

Do you guys mind?

We're kind of in the middle of something here.

Yeah, Jennifer. We're trying to plan an engagement party here.

If you want to help, why don't you call the party planner

and ask him to fill a truck of tables and chairs

and then run you over with it.

Mom, please, just stay out of this.

It's already going to be hard enough

with everyone at the party asking why we broke up.

Which is why we're not telling anyone.

So, bring your happy face. Got it?

Oh. I'll bring three happy faces.

'Cause I'm pretty sure, you'll make the first two mad.

Oh God. Oh God, it's Rhonda. Happy face!

Rhonda, hi!

We are so excited about the party.

Aren't we, honey?

We sure are... monkey pants.

Just checking in to make sure everything is going according to plan.

Couldn't be going better.

Oh my God. You guys are so cute.

I just hope Jeremy and I are as happy as you two are.

You've really been such an inspiration to us.

Okay. Bye, guys!

- I should probably... - Yeah, and I need to get...

Oh my God! Did you see that?

Rhonda's hair? Whoa!

No. Danny and Riley. They're so caught up in fighting,

they can't see how much love that is still there.

Yeah. I don't know where they get their tempers.

Stop calling me!

My mother.

If we could just get them to have a moment,

maybe they could build on that

and start forgetting why they hate each other.

Oh my God. You're right.

We need to work together.

We have to be a team.

Yeah. We're a real Thelma and Hitler.

To be clear, you're Hitler.

Done. And I believe that was

my favorite visit to the doctor's office, ever.

Actually, that's not true.

Dude! Dude, it worked.

Giselle and I are getting together later.

Hey, I don't know how it would come up,

but if you ever need me to do that for you, I'm there.

Wait, dude. I think that couple is picking a donor.

- What if they pick me? - Come on.

Do you really think anybody's going to pick

you over the hundreds of other choices?

Come on, man. I'm in there too.

All right. That's true.

It was hard, but I think we made a decision.