American Housewife

Mom. Mom. Wake up.

I think I'm having a heart attack.

You're not having a heart attack.

My chest is pounding, and I'm slick from sweat...

classic coronary event symptoms.

I made a bad trade in my stock market club.

This is why bankers die at 40.

So you have 28 years until your first heart attack.

Go rest up for it.

Mama.

Sweetie, what's the matter?

I had my dream again.

I was on the Titanic, just like in the movie,

but I was in bed with the old couple.

Oh.

Get in here.

Mom, I'm going for a run.

Taylor...

it's 5:30 in the morning!

It's 6:25.

You mixed up the big hand and the little hand again.

'Cause it's dark in my room!

Because it's 5:30!

Just buy me a digital clock already!

How did he sleep through all this?

I'm gonna kill him!

But then I'd have to take care of these animals by myself.

Damn it! Greg lives!

You don't need to Purell your belly.

Oh, my little germaphobe.

At this point, she's more Purell than girl.

Yo, Scooby, your stock market club

is getting a little too serious.

No more waking me up in the middle of the night

with fake symptoms of a fake heart attack.

Can't help it, Mom.

It's this type of intensity that's gonna make me rich...

so I can afford things like matching plates.

First apartment. Red Lobster.

Mom, I need you to sign this permission slip for basketball,

and here's my revised soccer schedule.

You know, if you spent as much time on schoolwork

as you did on sports, you'd be valedictorian.

I can guarantee you that's not true.

I feel great... a full nine hours.

Who wants Kashi?

Peter Felton sent you an e-mail?

Huh.

My old job has opened up again.

Before he hires someone else,

he wants to know if I'm interested.

Yes!

I mean, you are, aren't you? No?

Only if you want to. Do you?

Why don't you take the floor on this?

Greg, you realize if I worked, we would have to hire someone

to clean the house and watch the kids,

so there'd only be, like, this much extra money.

No, we wouldn't have to hire someone to clean the house.

You could do it on Saturdays.

I retract that... obviously.

I'll think about it.

He wants to know by the end of the day.

Can you drive Taylor to soccer this afternoon?

Oh, I'd love to, but I have to go to campus to give a lecture.

Taylor! Oliver! In the car!

Anna-Kat?

Anna-Kat, it will sting if you put it there.

Mama, Oliver hit me in the nuts.

Sweetie, girls don't have nuts.

I'm pretty sure they do.

I didn't hit her. I gave her her water bottle.

Yeah, and you slammed it hard right in my nuts.

Okay, I'm too tired for this. Everybody out.

Mom, you're supposed to wait until we're at the front of the line.

Not today. Out!

You can't let them out here!

They're on the sidewalk!

I bet running over Crossing Guard Sandy

would make a real satisfying "Tha-thunk!" sound.

Guys, I'm not even here.

I got to get groceries, buy Taylor a digital clock,

track down a thousand brown sugar cubes

for Anna-Kat's Great Wall of China.

Honestly, what is she going to learn

by watching me build that thing?

Okay, sit down a second.

What is going on?

Staying at home with the kids...

is exhausting.

I know!

Shut up.

You're a mother, and you stay at home,

but you have a housekeeper, a nanny...

A house manager... whatever that is.

She manages my house.

I never run out of anything.

I don't even know what running out of toilet paper feels like.

It feels like a coffee filter.

Katie, look, you are a real stay-at-home mom,

not like some of these other women in Westport...

like her.

I am not like them, okay?

I'm way richer.

And Celeste and I share custody...

three days on, four days off.

- Dirty little secret about divorce? - Mm-hmm.

Just when you want to slip your kids a Benadryl

and leave them at the animal shelter,

you get to give them back to your ex.

Ohh, I can't leave Greg.

Can I? Nah.

Nah.

No.

I just went over the school calendar.

My kids have 11 days of school in the entire month of November.

That's a straight-up war on women.

You know what else is a straight-up war on women?

- That whole half-day thing. - Mm.

Can Mama stay at home and watch "Unreal" on Lifetime

- or not?! - Mm-hmm.

You know what you need, Katie?

You need a break from being a mom.

- A break? - Yes!

Do all that stuff tomorrow

and do something for yourself today.

- You're right. - I know.

I do need a break.

I'm gonna take a nap.

Oh! You never take naps.

I know! That's what's going to make this one so delicious.

Ooh!

Oh! Call your housekeeper now

so she puts lavender underneath your pillow.

I'm sensing you guys are reaching maximum Doris.

Yeah.

But it's okay, because I'm taking a nap.

Ugh! That's Oliver's lunch!

The curse of a stay-at-home mom.

You know, if I had a job, I'd be at work,

and everyone would be like, "Eh, she's at work."

Man, I'd blame everything on work.

All right.

I'm in and out.

Mrs. Otto!

- You can't park there! - You don't need to acknowledge her.

- Just smile and keep going. - Mrs. Otto!

Like when you're watching a movie with your parents

- and people start doing it. - Mrs. Otto, I know you can hear me!

I bet Sandy's never done it.

Can you please make sure this gets to Oliver Otto?

Mrs. Otto!

Nurse Chapel.

I really need the kids' vaccination dates.

- I've e-mailed you three times! - Mm-hmm. Right.

The dates are right in my phone, right here.

This really should've been taken care of weeks ago.

I know,

I've been ignoring many, many reminders.

If I had a job, I'd have my assistant do this.

I'd have my assistant do everything.

And he'd be cute.

- Thank you. - No, thank you.

Katie!

Ugh! Skinny mommies in tight, white jeans.

Good for you.

We need to get your picture for the school newsletter.

Not now, Suzanne. This is not what I look like.

It pretty much is.

Chin up, Katie.

I have a double chin, so...

Try the other side.

Okay, well, it's on that side, too.

Mrs. Otto!

You are not supposed to park in the yellow!

Do not make me write you up.

Write me up?

Is it possible this woman is insane?

How are you supposed to talk to an insane person?

Okay, Sandy. You're the boss.

My nap is 5 feet away.

Hey.

What are you doing here? I thought you were at work.

I think I'm getting sick.

What are you talking about?

You were perfectly fine two hours ago.

Yeah, but when I got in the car, I started feeling clammy.

My throat is scratchy, and my tongue is big.

I'm, like, very aware of my tongue.

I need sleep and my neti pot.

He's not even sick! He's man-sick.

You know what I call having a little cough

and wanting to go back to bed?

Every day of my life!

Move over.

I'm taking a nap.

Oh, no, I totally forgot... I'm supposed to be

the Reading Rascal today in Anna-Kat's class!

You signed up for that on purpose?

What are you, an idiot?