Sirens

Sir, sir.

There you are.

He's conscious.

Sir, can you hear me?

- Are you an angel? - No.

- Are you a devil? - No.

Then eat a bag of dicks.

Oh, well, that is very kind, sir,

but we're not allowed to accept gratuities.

Just close the garage door and let me finish what I started.

Well, it wouldn't matter. You left the skylight open.

I couldn't find the button.

Well, how hard did you try, sweetie?

W... I'm starin' right at it. We painted it orange.

- Mom! - Last time,

he tried to hang himself, tied the rope too long.

jumped off the workbench and broke both of his ankles.

The neighbor kid found him hanging there.

Mom, shut up!

Don't you talk to your mother like that.

Stay out of this, would you, Larry?

And if you "really" want to commit suicide,

you don't do it two blocks from an ambulance company!

Get your own place, not near an ambulance company.

It's goddamn ridiculous.

Now the whole house is gonna smell like exhaust fumes.

- Sir... - And you ruined my good garden hose,

so my rhododendrons are gonna die!

- Sir! - What?

Nothing.

Supposed to be out here cleaning the goddamn car.

Frickin' kid never finished a thing in his life!

Do you think he'll be home for dinner?

I need to know how much ham to thaw.

At least my kids don't try to kill themselves all the time.

It's 'cause they sell weed, Larry.

It's good shit, actually.

- Yeah? - Right.

That must've been a pretty scary call for you, huh, Brian?

Yes, it was.

That guy's stepdad had some serious anger issues.

Oh, I was talkin' about the kid, future Brian.

Future Brian?

Yeah, that's what we callin' him.

See, future Brian is like you in ten years...

Single, lives with his parents in the basement.

- Spooky. - You got to move, bro.

- Cut the cord. - You're a grown ass man.

You're the future Brian, you even drive the same car, a Subaru.

Could it get any spookier?

Hey, hold your horses here, fellas.

First off, I drive an Outback. He drives a Forester.

It's a very depressing model.

My mistake. Totally different.

Plus he probably moved back in with his parents.

I never moved out. That's a lifestyle choice.

What are you afraid of, Brian?

Seriously, bro. Get out on your own.

Ditch the dead weight.

See? That right there.

That's what I'm afraid of.

I'm afraid of the declining role of the American family, okay?

I'm afraid of losing the generational bonds

that tie us all together.

And rent.

I'm really afraid of payin' rent.

It's a big, irresponsible, and endless financial hole.

You guys owe me 37 cents by the way.

- For what? - For the M&M's.

- Oh, come on. - Chicago north 911.

Domestic shooting, 3540 racine.

- Ambulance 14 responding. - Go!

Proceed with caution. Police on scene.

Shooting victim trapped on front porch losing blood.

Hey.

Female on the porch has been shot at least once.

She's bleedin' pretty bad.

She ain't movin' either.

Shooter's her ex.

He's locked and loaded on the first floor.

How much time we got?

Hostage negotiator's about ten minutes away.

Animal control about the same.

I'd love to get a look in there

and see how many weapons he's got on him.

Billy, get my binoculars.

Yeah, got it.

- How's your day been, guys? - Meh.

Well, we saved Brian's doppelganger from killin' himself.

He is not my doppelganger.

- He's at least a doppel. - We callin' him future Brian.

- A casual resemblance at best. - How casual?

He lives with his parents and drives a Subaru.

- Oy. - If he was really suicidal,

he wouldn't drive a car with such good gas mileage.

This just in: Brian's cheap.

Come on!

You could probably get a one-bedroom

in this neighborhood for a pretty decent price.

Go ahead and laugh, but did you know

that finances are the number one cause of marital discord?

- Know what number two is? - What?

Bullets.

Oh! No!

- Let me go! - Holy shit !

Hey, let me go!

- - Oh, my God!

- He's down! -

Shut up, man!

All clear.

- Good job. -

He's down. All clear.

Theresa, I used the thing!

I used the thing we learned in class!

- Get the stretcher. - Hey, get the stretcher.

Sit. Sit.

Sit.

Good girl. Good girl.

When'd you become the dog whisperer?

Hey, I'm a black man, John.

Where I grew up, we had so many pit bulls runnin' around,

we thought they were freakin' squirrels.

Okay, miss, help is here.

- - Good, good.

- Very manageable. - You sure?

Sure I'm sure. It's a flesh wound.

It might've nicked the bone. You're gonna get a cool scar

and some pretty decent pain pills out of the deal.

Brian, gauze.

Aah! Aah!

Oh, God!

There's a spider on my goddamn arm!

Somebody get it.

I've been shot, and I didn't even scream that loud.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!

- Stand still. - Get it, get it, get it!

- I got it, okay? - Ooh, is it off me?

Is it off me? Oh, did you get it?

Hey, relax now, Hank. Relax.

You know, I'm just gonna put it down here.

No, no! No, no, no, no!

Break off some of its legs so it won't come back at me.

- Break off some of the legs. - Hey, last time I heard

someone squeal like that, it was me.

I was 13 at a Hanson concert.

Ooh, ooh.

Ahh!

Hoo, thank you, Jesus. Hoo, hoo.

- It was as big as my head. - Okay, princess.

Speaking of your head, you know what we got to get you now?

- A drink? - No.

A tiara.

Spiders have poisons that can kill you.

Not a Daddy Longlegs.

Well, it wasn't wearin' a goddamn nametag!

I'm afraid of bees.

Me, too. Not a fan, not a fan.

Just kiddin', asshole. God, you're a mess.

- I don't have any fears. - Bullshit.

I don't. I'm scared of the big things.

Cancer, terrorism, Ben Affleck bein' a lousy Batman.

Don't worry, man. He's gonna crush it.

Everybody's scared of something.

- I'm scared of little people. - midgets?

I'm not scared of the whole midget... just the hands.

So small and soft like they could just grab you

and you'd hardly feel it.

Like a whisper.

I'm also not very fond of wide open spaces.

Prairies and stuff like that? Mm-mm.

Makes me feel so insignificant.

You ever been to the Grand Canyon, Billy?

Don't go.

In the grand canyon, you are the midget.

Microphobia, Brian.

That's what your fear is called, fear of all things tiny.

Like Johnny's dick.

Hey, don't get mad at me, bro, just because

a few harmless bugs make you scream like a little girl.

Here's your fries, bro.

Aah!

Not funny, bro! Not funny!

There are only three things

to be genuinely afraid of in this world.

One, the Mars company will stop makin' Twixes.

Two, my ex-wife. And three, zombies.

You're scared of zombies?

You're not?

What are your fears, Billy?

I don't got none, bro.

- Man after my own heart. - Yeah, fear's useless.

That's right. Go high, Bill.

- You weren't afraid today? - No, bro.

Like try to put yourself in my position.

Like, I'm walkin' into this place.

Guy's, like, mad crazy, right?

He's got a glock. He's drunk.

I'm talkin' like speakin' in tongues drunk.

What's the worst thing that can happen?

Get inside my head.