The Beautician and the Beast

Ah, an enchanted princess.

You're not a dwarf!

Fair maiden, we shall be married at once.

Married! One kiss and I'm engaged?

I wasn't even awake to enjoy it.

Begone! Watch where you walk. The bunnies eat a lot of fruit.

- You'll be my princess. - That's no bargain.

Affairs, bulimia, divorce. I read People.

- Here. - Unhand me.

- I'm too young to get married. - I like a sense of humour.

No! I've got goals, I've got dreams, ambitions.

Wait. Come back! Miss Miller!

Miss Miller.

Miss Miller?

Miss Miller!

Oh! I must've been having a little nightmare.

I'm sorry.

It's time.

I'm sorry. I'm juggling three jobs and... This audition is so important to me.

- We're on in 45 minutes. - Thank you.

Hi. My name is Joy. It is such a pleasure to meet you.

I'm such a big fan.

If I get this job, I guarantee you'll never frizz or kink up.

On Fridays, I'll give you a set so stiff you won't have to touch it till Monday.

- Just keep it simple. - Sure. My motto's "Less is more".

- Thirty sec... - Doesn't she look gorgeous?

Come on.

This is so exciting. I swear, I never miss you on TV.

In five, four, three, two...

Good evening. Welcome to New York State Lotto.

Tonight you could win or share a jackpot of $3 million.

And now for tonight's winning lottery numbers.

They gave the job to a cool, sophisticated European.

Call me a realist. Is teaching night school so terrible?

One day you could own your own beauty parlour.

- Maybe raise a family, God forbid, uh? - I don't wanna settle.

Sweetheart, I say this because I love you.

Settle! Meanwhile, did you see me take one or two Mylantas?

I'm still not good.

Don't listen to your mother. She's not like us. We're dreamers.

But, Daddy, you settled and opened a stationery store.

No. That was my dream. I love cards.

- But look... - Ma.

I do want to settle down some day, but I want a guy with less jewellery than me.

You always set your sights too high.

When I meet the right guy, I'll know.

I dunno how. I'll feel an utz in my stomach.

Hi, sweetie! Ma, he still biting himself?

The vet says it's stress. What do you have to be stressful about?

I can't imagine...

Royal blue, rust, sapphire, turquoise, violet and wine.

Excellent! The ultra-pearl shadows are the hardest. Now, let's see...

- It's not right. - Move the mole.

Class, the mole always goes over the left lip. It balances the cigarette, see?

If it's on the same side, you look like you'll fall over.

It's called Revlon, not Dutch Boy.

Class! What's our motto? "Flashy, not..."

- "...trashy." - Excellent.

Hector, no! The cigarette! Hairspray is flammable.

- I ain't smoking no cigarette. - Oh, my God! Fire!

Somebody get a spritzer bottle! Go spritz it! Hurry!

A big fire! A big fire! We'll get outta here. I'm the teacher.

- Get outta here, single file. - I've got it!

Don't panic! Move slowly! Single file! We'll get outta here!

People, don't worry about your stuff. We're all gonna get out alive.

- Hector, we gotta save the animals. - I ain't saving no rats. Burn, baby, burn!

Don't breathe. Don't inhale. It's the smoke that gets you.

Hold on, I'm coming. I'm gonna save you.

I can't believe I'm doing this! Relax, it's just embossed vinyl.

Bring it up! Come on! Keep it coming!

Two guys on the roof!

That's it. That's all of 'em.

You're a hero, Miss Miller.

- Do you need any oxygen? - Huh?

Oh, no thanks, fireman. I'm fine, thank you.

- I'm feeling a little short of breath. - He was talking to me.

Hey, Miss Miller. Smile!

Oh, no!

Her.

"Confident is a good word."

"Unstoppable is a good word."

"Unbelievably blessed are great words."

"Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind."

- "Speak peace with everyone." - Excuse me.

I'll blind you with pepper spray. Oh, it's Binaca.

- I'm not criminal. Look, I have suit. - Are you from Visa?

You shouldn't tell people to pay the minimum and then hound them.

- I'm not bill collector. - Ho, there!

Please...

My card.

Slovetzia? Is that your pimp-daddy name?

No, it's my country. My name is Grushinsky.

My president, Boris Pochenko, feels that with the onset of democracy,

his children should be exposed to Western thoughts for six months.

So, he sent me to United States to bring back finest teacher.

"Brave, selfless and willing to die." His Excellency respects such qualities.

- Talk to the hand. - Please, let me finish.

The job pays 40,000 American dollar.

- Do they take out FICA? - Of course! What is it?

Please, it is a legitimate offer to live in Eastern Europe.

- It's in Europe? - Yes. It's very beautiful, like Paris...

fifty years ago.

- Paris... - Ah, Paris, mais oui.

Miss Miller, a woman of your calibre should experience more than this.

- That's what I always thought. - It's obvious. It's such big world.

Do you really want to disappear in this little place?

Eastern Europe... Are you out of your mind?

Ma! They say it's like Paris fifty years ago.

There were Nazis in Paris fifty years ago.

I know, we're late. But it's better to be last on board.

- Then your bags come off first. - It's private plane.

Ma, I love you, but you're too attached to me.

- I'm not too attached to you. - Really? Then, what's in here?

- What? - You know.

- I don't. - What's this?

Your umbilical cord.

Take me with you.

Ma, I'm sorry. I gotta try this. There's something more out there for me.

- I love you, kiddo. - I love you, Ma.

So, Miss Miller, I need some information.

- Where were you schooled? - I went to the Sassoon Academy

but graduated from the Barbizon School.

I read that you're having some internal problems.

Young people with too much spirit and no patience.

Democracy takes time. It's nothing to worry about.

Don't open the window!

So, whatever classroom supplies you need, the castle will provide.

Well, just the usual. A couple of heads, cotton balls, mousse...

- You'll need a moose? - It's more like gel.

Hold that a minute.

Here we go. Here we go.

A little bit. This is the extra-hold kind.

You've got some nice hairline, mister.

Miss Miller, what exactly do you teach?

Beauty culture.

- I'm dead. My life is over. - What's the problem?

- I thought you taught science. - Teach it? I didn't even pass it.

I must make list of things I've never done and do them in the next hour.

Excuse me, I am the victim here. This was supposed to be my big break.

I gave up my job, my family...

We're in a no-win situation. Why not make the best of it?

- You teach beauty school! - I know that, and you know that.

You Americans and your positive thinking.

Some situations, the big-toothed person cannot get you out of!

You're just palpitating a little. Breathe deep. Breathe deep.

- There we go. - Oh, Mama.

- I don't even know your first name. - Iriyaski Ivanovich.

I'll call you Ira.

Ira, I used to give pedicures to women who wore plastic shoes in summer.

- What's a tougher gig than that? - That.

- Who's that? - His Excellency, Boris Pochenko.

His Excellency? I thought you said he was a president.

Semantics. Please, come.

Nobody seems very happy.

In Slovetzia, hard work today, happiness tomorrow.

Oh, you startled me, Prime Minister Kleist.

This is Miss Miller, the children's tutor. I present our Prime Minister.

- Leonid Kleist. - Welcome to my country.

I trust everything is to your liking.

- If you need something, ask... - Well...

- him. - Oh!

Nice meeting you!

- This will be your room. - Oh.

Many great men have stayed here. Castro, Khrushchev, Tito...

I'm sure I'll be very comfortable.

- Could I get a blanket without a head? - Please, Miss Miller, of course.

Now, your audience with His Excellency is in one hour.

- One hour?! - Yes.

You want me to make a good impression. Get out.

- Hurry. - I gotta get refreshed.

Well, where is she?

Did we just go through all this for nothing?

Where is the teacher?

Someone must know.

Please, Mr President. She's still in her room.

But, she'll be here very soon.

Oh, my God! Oh, Mr President.

I'm sorry I'm late. Please don't judge me by this.

It's so dark here, which is great for atmosphere,

but it's hell for putting on liquid liner, which I can put on in a cross-town bus.

But that wouldn't interest you, because I am an educator.

No one cares how an educator looks.

What's it like out, 'cause I was thinking...

- Make her be quiet! - I heard.

Joy Miller, since this is your first time in my country,

I will make allowances for you.

Once!

I do not take lightly your being here.

My children are growing up in a different world than me.

I believe, despite contrary opinions, that they must learn to live within it.

You must help them face a new century

and the Western dignitaries who will now be coming into our home.

So, in future, I expect you to be prompt, efficient and dressed.

Is that clear?

Oh, no.

Good day.

Huh? Oh, my God.

Rule number one, kids. Never surprise a New Yorker. Comprende?

Oh, my God, you don't speak English?

- I am Katrina. This is my brother, Karl. - Karl Pochenko.