How I Met Your Mother

Kids, back in 2009,

your Aunt Robin was the host

of a morning show for local New York cable.

And it was on early. How early?

Mike? wakey, wakey.

But then, everything changed.

Hey. Hey.

See my show?

Oh, I meant to watch it.

I just got so busy

with the whole "being sound asleep" thing.

It took all night, eight hours down the drain.

Oh, it's fine. But get this:

After the broadcast...

Hi. Are you Robin?

Yeah.

I'm Don, your new co-host.

Don was Don Frank,

seasoned veteran of no fewer

than 39 local morning news teams

from all over the country.

The guy was an industry legend.

Oh.

Wow! You are so going to hit that.

No, I just think we're going

to be great together on the air.

And on the sofa and on the bed and on the coffee table.

All right, all right.

I'm gonna go up on the roof and stand there

by myself for five minutes.

Have fun.

And that's exactly what she did.

She just stood there.

All right, kids, I'm gonna level with you.

That's not what she did.

Here's what she did.

All right, all right.

I'm going to go have a cigarette.

What?!

I promised her I'd never tell you this,

but once upon a time, your Aunt Robin

did enjoy the occasional cigarette,

and occasionally that occasional cigarette...

was more than just occasional.

I just left something like this in my apartment.

Robin, come on, take it to the roof.

We said no smoking in the apartment

after you torched the throw rug doing push-ups.

All right, all right, all right.

Geez.

Yeah, Robin, I mean, God,

not only is that a filthy habit, but also,

can I bum one? Sure.

What?!

"How I Met Your Mother"

Sync By YesCool -

Kids, your Uncle Marshall definitely doesn't want you

to know this, but he also smoked off and on.

It all started when he was 13, on a camping trip in Minnesota.

Come on, Marshall, let's celebrate.

It's summer vacation.

Okay, but just one.

This is my first and last cigarette ever.

And that was the first of many, many "last cigarettes ever."

That's it.

I am done, I am out.

Last...

Cigarette...

...ev-arrh!

So, by that point, I'd heard it all before.

Last cigarette ever.

What are you doing? You haven't smoked in six months.

Is this about the McRib?

It's gone, dude, let it go.

I'm worried about work, okay?

They just hired a new head of the legal department,

and he's going to be letting people go.

So that's why you're worried?

The new head of the legal department is Arthur Hobbes.

As in "Artillery Arthur"?

As in your former boss?

Arthur Hobbes was the meanest boss

Marshall or anyone else had ever had.

The last time Marshall worked for him, it ended like this.

I quit!

Yikes.

So does he hold it against you?

Worse.

I'm sorry, who are you?

I'm, I'm Marshall Eriksen.

Hmm.

Um, we had a fairly intense screaming match.

No.

Wherein I suggested that you take your head

and store it within yourself

in a fashion that,

while, while space-saving,

might limit its exposure to, to sunshine.

Well, that describes 95% of my employees

and everyone in my family... except for my dog.

: He's such a good boy.

Well... I'll see you later, uh...

Randall Wilkerson.

Marshall Eriksen.

Gary Dinkersfield, right.

Great, he doesn't remember you.

Not great.

Arthur Hobbes hating Marshall-- that's no big deal.

He hates everyone.

It's the people he doesn't know that he cuts loose.

He just fired What's-His-Face.

He fired What's- His-Face, Ted,

and What's-His-Face was invaluable.

Look, I can understand you getting upset,

but it's not worth killing yourself over.

Yeah, wait till you get laid off, then kill yourself.

Like What's-His-Face.

Although I guess now it's more like Where's-His-Face.

Look, it was just two cigarettes.

Okay, I can handle two.

As long as I don't have three within 24 hours,

then I'm not going to get hooked again.

What's Lily going

to say when she finds out you smoked?

Lily's not going to find out.

I have a system.

Ah, yes, Marshall's system.

Hey, Lil.

You smoked.

Damn it!

The next morning, your Aunt Robin was thrilled

to be finally going on the air with a real pro.

In three, two, one...

Hi, I'm Robin Scherbatsky.

And I... am Don Frank.

Two teens were arrested late last night

for stealing a police cart.

No, I'm sorry, not a police cart, a police car.

Oh.

Aw, screw it.

Brain fart.

Don't you hate those?

Oh, look at that,

the teleprompter's still running.

Something about a woman giving birth on an uptown bus.

Well, no point in jumping in halfway.

I'll just wait till it's done.

Uh... and she cut the cord with a Metropass.

We'll be right back.

And we're clear.

What the hell was that? Don, you said "brain fart."

Look, Robin, you seem

like a nice kid, but this is my 39th local news show, okay?

And in that time, I've learned three things:

avoid the all-you-can-eat sushi buffet in Bismarck,

do not go to the bathroom with your lapel mic still on,

and three, at this hour,

your entire viewing audience is

one half-drunk slob sitting in his underwear, so...

Back in five, four...

Well, let's do a great show for that half-drunk slob.

Well, that half-drunk slob appreciates it.

The next day, Marshall found himself craving a cigarette.

It was driving him crazy, so he decided to get some fresh air.

Oh, no.

You're not up here to jump, are you?

No, no, no, no.

I fired a lot of people today.

I don't need another jumper in my file.

Oh, uh, cigarette?

No, no, thank you.

That's too bad.

You know what I miss, Jeffrey?

Getting to know somebody over a smoke.

People are so interchangeable now,

but you share a butt with somebody, you got a real bond.

You know what?

I will, I will take one.

Okay.

Thank you.

I'm Marshall, by the way,

it's Marshall, Marshall Eriksen.

Yeah. Tell me something Marshall Eriksen.

How would you like to see

a picture of the cutest dog in the world?

Hey. - You smoked.

Yes, I smoked, and it was my third of the day.

You know what that means?

I'm a smoker now. It's all over.

I even bought a pack on the way home and a lighter

and a Vikings lamp, which has nothing to do with anything,

but I saw it in the window and I liked it.

Damn it, Marshall.

We already have four Viking lamps and smoking kills.

It was a way to bond with my boss, okay?

You should have seen me up there.

That is a cute dog.

Yeah. Are those your kids?

Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Hey, oh, look what I got at the mall.