Grace and Frankie

We'll play in here, Frankie, OK?

I'll be there in a second, Grace.

Bud, I can't talk right now.

Uh, I understand you want to vent about your father, but I'm not your man.

Call Aunt Irma.

Grace! Grace, I got a package.

It might be a gift. It's really heavy.

It could be cheese. It could be cheese!

I don't think we have room for any more cheese.

- I will make room for cheese. - I'm putting that on your tombstone.

Oh.

And don't try to make a wig out of that stuff,

'cause I'm not gonna wear it.

I'm not even be insulted by that.

Oh, sweet Saint Gary.

- The prototypes for my lube! - Let me see.

Brianna needs my input on packaging, bottling, marketing, packaging.

- You said packaging. - Oh, packaging too.

Oh, this is a big moment in the history of the vagina.

And the dry silent majority everywhere.

Oh, I can't even remember the last time I was this excited.

Oh, that's not true, I've been this excited a lot.

But I am really excited.

They're gonna put me on the cover of Lube Magazine!

That's not a thing.

So, you want to know which one I'd pick?

Nah.

I'm just kidding. Which one?

This one.

Nah. It's so much fun.

Frankie, you want every aspect of your packaging to tell the narrative.

You know, you have to establish a memorable visual.

Huh?

Oh, my God. Shut up.

You shut up.

No, look.

Farther.

Farther.

I think we may have to let this one go, pal.

It's a text from Phil. He wants to have lunch with me tomorrow.

Oh, that's exciting.

Lunch with the Phil I-Forget-His-Last-Name,

- Alexopoulos? - You remembered.

Where's lunch? Someplace romantic?

In a way. We're meeting at The Anchor Bar.

It's where I... It's where we...

Oh, wait! Don't walk away in the middle of the story.

What did you do? Kiss? Grope? Fondle? What?

It's where I first knew that he felt what I felt.

Oh. Well, tell me anyway.

Well...

when Robert and Sol would be away on their gay sex business trips...

- Mm. - I didn't like the idea of coming back

to an empty house after work.

So I would treat myself to a drink or two,

or one time, four,

at The Anchor across the street from the office.

You know, it's been there for ages.

Yeah, it and me both.

No, no, it gets better.

One night, it was about, um,

three months after Phil stopped working on our house,

and I walked in and there he was.

Just by chance.

He bought me a drink and we talked.

And we laughed.

We really laughed.

And at the end of the night, he put his hand on my back...

and I felt something

that I had never felt in 40 years with Robert.

Mm.

Oh, sister, you said the story would get better and damn it, it did.

So I started seeing him when Robert was away.

And sometimes when he wasn't away.

All those years, I thought you were stuck-up and boring as shit.

But it turns out you were stuck-up and interesting as shit.

Thanks.

- OK. - Mm.

I don't know how to play chess.

- This is not my lube! - Excuse me?

Mr. Brajaja-hadad, I'm going to call you right back.

His name is Craig, he said call him Craig,

you should probably just call him Craig.

Not my lube. Not my lube.

- Frankie. Hello. - Oh, don't try to sweet-talk me,

Miss Peed-in-her-pants- at-her-tenth-birthday-party.

I had a medical condition. That's...

This is not my recipe. And yes, my vagina can tell.

OK. Adam, can you please give us a second?

- Oh, absolutely not. No. - What are you doing?

Oh, I have a few friends that don't believe Frankie's real.

So, just go on.

- It's not my recipe. - Look, we need...

We needed to add a few ingredients for mass production.

Didn't you read the packet I gave you along with those samples?

Of course. I skimmed them. Parts of them.

- No. What? - It's nothing.

It's a little citrus seed, some palm oil...

Palm oil? Are you insane?

Palm oil?

Palm oil extraction destroys the rain forest.

And do you know who lives in the rain forest?

Oh, I don't know. Only our cousins.

- The Fleigelmans? - The orangutans!

Oh, damn it! "Storage space full."

Do you want us to wait while you delete some pictures?

- Would you? - What is this face telling you?

Bye.

OK. Frankie, I can tell you're very upset.

So, let's just take a breath.

Let's sit down. Let's talk about this.

Great.

Now you want your lube in every grocery store in America, right?

And some of the more progressive car washes, yes.

OK.

Well, products like this can end up sitting on a shelf for a year.

And they need a little help to keep from spoiling.

Do you know how fast yams go bad?

- Yes, six months. - No.

Then, no.

Do you want to explain to the Good Stuff people

why your lube has a shelf life of three to five weeks?

In a darkened room?

My lube is gonna be in the Good Stuff stores?

That's the plan. Also in the packet.

- I read the packet. - You just admitted you didn't.

- Well, then why keep bringing it up? - Oh, to shame you.

I can't be a party to palm oil!

Is it in all your products?

No... palm oil is in every product.

It's in the shampoo you use, it's in the Cheez-Its you're never not eating.

I bet I could open up your purse right now

and find three things that have palm oil in them.

The joke's on you. I can't find my purse.

The joke is absolutely on me.

Frankie, even if I wanted to get rid of palm oil,

which I totally do, I do...

this is how we've always done things, since before I worked here.

- This is Grace's doing? - That's not what I meant.

It makes so much sense. The enemy's been right under my nose the whole time.

What? No. No. I'm not saying that it's her fault.

What I'm saying is that palm oil is ubiquitous.

Don't you try to hypnotize me with your corporate power jargon.

I'm getting to the bottom of this. Frankie Bergstein, out.

Well, that was fucking art.

This is really great, isn't it?

Way better than my beige-on-beige-on-beige hotel room.

I loved doing this when you boys were little.

You mean the four nights a year when you and Mom

would let us run the AC and we'd all sleep huddled around it?

Yeah, we'd play Bergstein Foot Jenga.

And tell Jewish ghost stories.

Is that what got you into Kabbalah?

That was college. I was trying things.

It was a girl. It was Mom.

You know who'd hate this right now? Robert.

So...

What's the plan for getting him back?

Well, I'm giving him some time.

Which is a non-plan.

But I know he won't have the answer I'm hoping for right now, so...

maybe if I let him thaw, he'll be able to hear me.

- Good plan. - Nah, I don't see it.

No, no, no, Dad's right.

You can't talk rationally to Robert when he's angry.

Which is why I've been working from my neutral-toned hotel room.

He's angry even though you're not at the office.

We all hide until he calms down or until he eats a tea bag,

which, by the way, he's been doing a lot these days.

Grace was very clear I should leave him alone.

Yeah, the problem is Grace still has her dignity and ego intact.

Take it from someone that has neither:

You need to show Robert your heart.

That way he knows exactly what to stomp on before he takes you back.

I don't know.

No, believe me, Dad. It works. It's how I got Bud back.

Uh, full disclosure, I'm still not totally back.

He needs to know that you love him and you're not giving up.

I'm not giving up.

You have 12 new messages.

Hello, Robert. It's me.

Wait, no.

It's not "me." I mean, it is me,

but I guess I don't have the right to say "it's me" anymore.

I'm no longer your "it's me."

So, anyway...

it's Sol...

Bergstein.

J'accuse!

Which means...

I know what it means. It means you got too stoned again

and tried to even out drinking too much coffee.

Green tea, but this isn't about that.

I know it was all you, Grace. Oh, yes. I talked to Brianna.

- I know all about the palm oil. - Oh. You do, do you?

I know it's in all of Say Grace's products.

I thought this might come up.

Do you know what used to be in all of Say Grace's products?

- Parabens. - Ha, parabens, even worse.

I should do my one-woman show on parabens for you some time,