The A Word

What if I want to take care of my own son?

I know what it's like growing up round here. Having sex seems like a good way to pass the time.

- That were quite a battering you gave us. - I did it so you can help Joe.

Oh, here he comes...

Is this about Joe?

No, Mum. It's not about Joe. It's about you.

Joe needs a champion. That's not the same as a bully.

- Oh, so I'm a bully? - Yeah, you are!

- I'm a trained therapist, not Jesus. - Please, I'll do anything to help my child.

What are you doing?

What are you doing out on your own? Eh?

Where's your mum and dad?

Oh, come on, lad.

Hey, you! Stop touching that child!

He shouldn't be out on his own. You do know that?

Neither should you!

All right! All right!

You don't have to force yourself to stay the night

every time we have sex, you know.

- I'm not. - I really don't want to wake up to the sight

of your polite smile.

- It makes me feel like I'm being visited in hospital. - Oh, right.

Oh, I've hurt your feelings. I thought you'd be relieved.

If you do go now, can you be quiet, cos I don't want Ralph knowing

that you stayed?

Of course.

I think he'd find it hard to understand what's going on here.

He's not alone.

Daresay it'll be the same for your Joe. When he's older.

You'll see.

Hm.

Hey, hey.

Hair?

Done.

Tongue?

Good.

Ears?

Good.

Oh. I think I have found something.

Have a good day, Joe.

- What we want for Joe - it was called a statement when I was at school

and now it's an EHC plan, isn't it?

You know, to get him extra help in the classroom.

Yeah, but not like in-your-face help that all the other kids notice.

We have lots of children who need extra help, so they really are used to it.

Yes, you'd be amazed how little the other children worry about such things.

- I'll be able to see that for myself in about ten minutes, so... - Oh?

Yeah, I'm on the parents' reading rota. Two times a week.

If I'm going to commit to this school,

then believe me, I'm gonna commit.

I know it's a pain, but the local authority insists that there are

stages the school has to go through first before issuing an EHC plan.

Yeah, but the reports you have in front of you, they're all you need.

We've got a customised speech therapy plan. It's all in there.

- These are the top people that we've consulted. - I think... I think what Alison is trying to say

- is that they're very thorough reports. - Yeah, they're...

- There's paediatrician. There's, erm, clinical, erm... - Psychologist. Clinical psychologist.

- ..psychologist and speech therapist. - Speech and language therapist. - Just don't ask me to spell any of them.

You have the diagnosis,but until we can show that we have tried

to meet Joe's needs within the existing school budget,

the council won't offer any extra.

No. I-I-I just don't want Joe to fail

before he gets the help that he needs

and I'm telling you, he will fail.

It happened to me, it's not nice. It's not nice, at all.

We have to play the game and we need your support.

Yeah. You know, it's a funny thing, I swore I would never be one of those parents

that's a pain in the arse, but Joe's been at school half a term

and I have decided to be that parent.

Who've you got lined up barista-wise up there? Will they need training?

Believe me, you get the wrong side of a 10-litre espresso machine

and that bambino won't ever forgive you.

Oh, shit!

Sal, what's going on?

Eh? Cookers shouldn't be here for another two weeks!

- They're unloading it outside now! - We can store it.

Where? We haven't even got a proper floor! Oi!

We're better off having it here to fit, rather than having the gas lads here

and nothing for them to install.

- We've barely even finished second electrics. - So, what do you want me to do?

Stand here while you shout at me, or get on with bringing the flooring forward

- and booking an electrician for tomorrow. - I tell you what I'm gonna do, I'm...

I'm going to manage it myself.

- Don't be a dick, Paul. - Look, it's chaos and I can do chaos all by myself.

I don't need to pay somebody to do that for me.

I thought I said, "Don't be a dick."

The paperwork's on the bar over there.

Call me in an hour when you find you can't cope.

"Tess got a pot.

"Cook, pot, cook!

"The pot was b..."

Joe, it's not computer time now.

- Shall we do some reading? Joe? - "The pot was b...boil...

- "boil..." - "Boiling." That says, "boiling."

Look, see? Can you see? "Boil...

"ing." "Boiling." See?

"Look at all the food, Mum!

"Look at all the food, Nan!

"Yum. Stop, pot, stop!"

Come on then, let's go. In you go, go and sit down in your spot then.

That's great. Thanks, Alison. I'll see you next week?

Well, I can stay longer, if you like. I can stay all day!

- I can cancel my shift at work, if you like, and just... - That's lovely, Alison.

But we don't like to wear out our parent-helpers.

Right, OK.

All right. Well, I'll... Yeah, I'll see you next time, then.

Joe?

Joe?

Eh, the little boy you were playing with in the playground,

the one with the hearing aids, do you know his name? Hm?

- He had things in his ears. - "He had things in his ears."

- Yeah, he did, yeah. - Hmm, let me see.

What about the other boy? He had a brown face.

We've got pink faces and he had a brown face.

Oh, come on, Joe. You're hardly spoilt for choice at that school.

- You're not helping, Becky. Joe? D'you remember his name? - What name?

Someone's busy.

Joe was playing with two boys in the playground. I'm gonna invite them for a sleepover.

Really? On day one?

Yeah, it was an Asian boy and a boy with hearing aids,

- but Joe doesn't know their names. - A deaf kid, too?

We could form a boyband and go on Britain's Got Talent.

Although, the odds are, probably go out at the semifinal stage.

The kid with the hearing aids, he's called Bill Hibbs.

- His brother's two years below me. - Why didn't you say that?

So, it's paying off, then? The spying?

Sorry, "helping with reading."

Hm. I think spying pretty much covers it.

I like to think there's a little altruism under there.

No, I don't do altruism. Remember? I'm the bully.

If it's any comfort, he hasn't replied to any of my texts either.

- He didn't sleep with you. - Is that what he's telling you?

- That was a joke, by the way! - I know.

He was away with his mum and dad. Bad signal.

- No credit. It happens. - So, why isn't he here now?

What d'you mean, what d'you mean...?

OK.

Hiya.

Hi.

Your phone's not been working.

I lost it. Then I was out of credit.

How d'you know?

What?

How d'you know it was out of credit, if you lost it?

I found it again.

You didn't come in on the bus this morning.

Dan's passed his test, he's got him a car now. He gave me a lift.

Right. Well, erm... I'll see you in history.

Unless Dan's got a Tardis too

and you're gonna travel back in time with him.

Right.

Hiya, Rebecca.

SHE SOBS

I'm a cliche.

We have sex and then he just blanks me.

- He might just need some time to come to his senses. - D'you think?

- If he doesn't, he's a prick. - And it's good to find these things out early.

Nicola found out I was a prick very early and has learned to adjust her expectations accordingly.

Do you think he might just be having a bit of a wobble?

If I was going to bet, I'd say next week he'll be on the phone

sending you poems by text.

Or at least a sad face with a tear in lieu of a poem.

Stay for tea, Nicola does great comfort food.

Hello, Bill. Here we are.

- His sandwiches are in there. - Oh, great. OK.

- This is his drink. - Er, right. - And a treat for afters.

Rice cakes! Oh, we do actually have gluten-free.

- Oh, I never know, you know? - Yeah.

And I can't be too careful. He's lactose and gluten intolerant.

- Sorry. - Both?

Oh, erm, this is my phone number.

- Ring me any time. - I'll give that to you.

- In the night! - OK!

And to be on the safe side, if the boys are gonna eat nuts,

it's best if they do that outside and wash their hands afterwards.

Well, bang goes the blindfold nut-tasting game!

He's joking. Shut up, Paul.

Ignore him, ignore him, ignore him.

Right. Well, thank you for having him. I'll pick him up at 8.30.

- He has African drumming at nine. - Course he does. - OK.

Well, he'll be ready for you, I'm sure. Thanks for the food.

This is the first sleepover he's ever been to.

- He's a little nervous. - Yeah.

- Any time. Just call me. - Will do! - OK.

- Bye, Bill! - We'll look after him, I promise. We will! - OK!

- Bye, darling, bye-bye. - We'll look after him, honestly.

- Ta-ta. See ya! - Bye now. Bye. Take care, Sarah.

- Safe journey home. - Safe home, bye!

KNOCK ON DOOR

- He doesn't sleep in his hearing aids. - OK, great. Thanks, Sarah.

- No hearing aids. OK! - Great. Great.

Thanks a lot. Take care now, bye!

Wow!

SHE GASPS Ugh...!

O-o-o-h!

Ah, yes. That's clearly marbles in jelly.

No! That's an eyeball! Ughh...

That's the idea, yes.

But I don't think that eyeballs would actually feel that tough.

- OK! - Right, next. Hang on!