Last Man Standing

Dad, you make the best ribs on the planet.

Thank you, baby. My secret is whiskey.

When I'm cooking, I drink a lot of whiskey.

Yeah.

Yeah, I can never enjoy feasting on the flesh

of a creature as intelligent as a pig.

Pigs aren't that smart.

Only one in three knows how to build a house out of bricks.

Still, I'll stick to Mike's delicious greens.

Which I cook in bacon grease.

Ah, hey, thanks again for letting us have

Boyd's birthday party here next weekend.

Oh, it's our pleasure.

Hey, I even made goody bags.

In fact, they came out so good, one might even call them "great-y" bags.

Why didn't I go away to college?

Your mom went to college, and she still says stuff like that.

Yeah, we wanted to have the party at our place,

but the yard's not big enough for the bouncy house.

Bouncy castle.

Boyd, we've talked about this.

I'm not comfortable with bouncy castle.

It glorifies an oppressive class system,

so if you want to bounce, you're gonna have to do it in a sensible house.

You know, Ryan, there's a point when even Karl Marx would slap you.

Yeah, I still can't believe everyone

is burying the headline about Boyd's birthday.

Right, right. You know, there just might be an appearance by Vaness-o.

The clean-up-can-be-fun clown.

Uh, that's not a headline, Mom.

That's a nightmare.

Look, it's a Baxter family tradition

that on your 10th birthday, you get a rifle and go hunting.

- Really? - Yep, yep, yep, yep.

I'm sorry, what?

A gun? Hunting? No. Absolutely not.

Well, Vaness-o, do you want to clean up this little mess?

Look, I don't want Boyd thinking that violence is fun.

Now I'm gonna go outside and figure out where to hang the Donald Trump piñata.

You said you were gonna say something to him about this.

Yeah, well, I was.

But then I realized, I don't really like arguing with Ryan and you do, so tag.

You're it.

It's getting harder and harder to put weapons in the hands of children.

I'm not changing my mind, Mike.

Boyd's not going hunting.

Look, I was gonna talk to you about this.

I just wanted to find the right time, but... I don't like talking to you.

Great, 'cause there's nothing to talk about.

Actually, there is.

Getting a gun on your 10th birthday is a Baxter family tradition.

Yeah, okay. Let me see.

It all started way back with your great-great grandfather Jebediah Baxter,

who by the age of 10, had hunted

everything in the forest that could walk, crawl, or sing a song.

Actually, his name was Bill, and he made soap.

All of the girls got guns on their 10th birthday,

even Mandy, once I found a gun that matched her top.

Hey, guys. There's pie.

Everybody here is pro-pie, right?

You're dad is trying to convince me to arm our son.

This is why I don't like talking to you.

Sweetie, "arming" is kind of a strong word for

going on a fun hunting trip with your grandpa.

Wait. What? Sorry. You're okay with this?

Some of my best childhood memories are hunting with my dad.

You bond, learn patience, respect for nature.

Okay, but why does it have to end with a dead animal?

Because that's the fun part.

And it's a tradition.

It always made me feel really special.

I am so sick of these Baxter family traditions.

Can't we just have totally new traditions?

Maybe you should look up the definition of tradition.

Look, you can make the call on this one,

and I really don't like arguing with my dad, so tag.

You're it.

Great, you are not taking my sweet, innocent son

into the woods to slaughter an animal.

If you tell him he can't go hunting,

he's gonna know it was fun, then he'll resent you for not letting him go.

That's ridiculous.

No, no! Like he would if he wanted to take ballet.

You say no to that, he'll probably wear a tutu the rest of his life.

He's already taking ballet lessons.

Dear God, let him hunt!

Wow!

Kyle, you've been watching me do this

for the last 20 minutes, and you keep saying, "Wow."

Yeah, because it keeps working!

- Hey, Mom. - Yeah?

Um, will you wrap Boyd's gift for me.

Hey, wait till you see what your mom can do.

Wow!

- Mandy. - Yeah?

You're giving your 10-year-old nephew a deviled egg platter?

No, I'm giving him a flying saucer!

Whooo!

With sleeping pods for 12 aliens.

You don't want to give Boyd something from your shower.

Uh, yes I do. I just don't want to wrap it.

So, uh, did you and your dad pick out a song to dance to at the wedding?

No, Mom. Ixnay on the father-daughter dance...

Nay.

Okay, what? And why?

Because that leads to talking about the mother-son dance,

and Kyle doesn't have a mom, Mom.

Try to be sensitive.

You are so sweet, Mandy.

But it's okay. I mean, I have a mom.

I just don't know where she is.

It's fine. It's like, um... like "Where's Waldo," you know?

Yeah, but except Waldo's my mom, and Waldo is hammered.

Kyle, you should get some time in the spotlight, too.

I mean, I'd be happy to dance with you.

Oh, that... No, that's okay.

What? Are you afraid I might out-dance you?

Mmm, no.

He's not. No one is.

Come on.

Come on, Kyle. You deserve this.

You can pick any dance you want.

Come on, you can't say no.

Well, okay, but only if we can do the Argentinean Tango.

Okay. Uh, I'm game. Is it hard?

Well, if you don't know how to do it, I mean, maybe this isn't such a good idea.

No, no, no, no, no. No, no. No, no.

I got this, all right.

I learned the chicken dance in, like, three days, so...

Any chance you want to do the chicken dance instead?

Oh, boy.

I think this is my favorite part of the birthday party...

when all your friends are gone.

What is it?

It is a deviled egg tray.

It's for eggs that are evil.

- Cool! - Yeah.

I'm gonna open the big one now.

Whoa! It's a gun!

Oh, my God!

Mike, what were you thinking?

I didn't get him that. I thought our gift was the yard.

Eve, what were you thinking?

I wouldn't give him that baby gun.

I'd give him a good-old 12-gauge.

You know, something he can grow into.

It's from me.

Ryan, you gave Boyd the shotgun?

Yes, I did.

Wow! You spent 10 years setting up that surprise.

What other surprise do you have?

A "Make America Great Again" hat filled with pork chops?

Honey, did, uh... did you know about this?

Yes, but he asked me to keep it a secret,

like that time he told me he thought Sarah Palin was pretty.

- Shh. - Thanks, Dad.

Your welcome, buddy. Happy birthday.

Wow. Today, a boy in our family became a man.

Congratulations, Ryan.

Oh, put it down, put it down, put it down.

No. Hey, hey.

You can't touch that until you take the gun safety class at Outdoor Man.

Where we sell this gun for a whole bunch less than this.

All right. Well, let's start cleaning up.

Pass.

Okay, well, do it with me, or do it with Vaness-o.

Okay, Boyd. Let's help.

You did good, honey.

Yeah, you really did.

Uh... sorry. I didn't mean that to sound so surprised.

What are you up to?

Nothing. I realized you were right.

See, if I don't let Boyd hunt,

it's always gonna be the thing he wants to do most in his life.

This way, I let him go, I even get him the gun,

and for once, I'm not the bad guy.

But you're so good at it.

There may be a flaw in your little plan.

You don't want the kid to go hunting.

Oh, he won't.

See, he likes the idea of hunting, but once there's

an actual living animal in front of him,

he's not gonna be able to pull the trigger.

100 years of Baxter tradition says you're wrong.

He's not gonna hunt, Mike.

Well, I say he will.

And we'll figure out who's the winner

when we're cooking up that pheasant he and I bag.

Oh, no. I am going with you 'cause I cannot wait to see that look on your face

when he ends the Baxter tradition of blowing holes in living creatures.

All right, all right. Even better.

That way, we won't be just bagging a bird,

we'll be shooting down your hopes and dreams,

and that's what I will be having for dinner.

Here we go.

Thank you so much for the dance lesson, Ed.

Am I your first student?

Oh, no.

I once taught a Russian bear how to dance... against it's will.

Well, I will try to "bear" with you without "Russian" it.