Trailer Park Boys

I got out of jail about two months ago. Julian decided

he was going to stay in jail, he was making really good money

and I'm proud of him but I don't miss jail this time. Working with my dad.

He got me into recycling. It's not great money but it's not bad.

You know, we basically go around and people have their recycles out

and they freak out, "Hey, what are you doing, taking my recycles?"

and it's like "Hey, it's at the curb. We own it, not you".

And I'm happy with that. I think Lucy's proud of me too.

We're basically back together in my opinion.

Ricky and I are totally not back together. He stays on the front lawn

but he's not allowed in the trailer cause I got all these bees

coming in with him and just, the smell is too bad, it's not attractive.

Well, I'm not allowed in the trailer. Apparently there's

a bit of a smell because of the recycles and there's fucking bees

and hornets and wasps and shit everywhere but, she spent

Friday night in my car. We got drunk and stuff, so what does that mean?

Lucy loves me and I love her.

Ricky and I have an understanding. He's here for Trin and to help out

with the lot fees, especially now that Barb's all freaked

about that, fucking whore bitch. And he and I hook up occasionally,

but basically I want to keep my options open. You know, like.

Lucy, do you want any of these Old Milawakenee cans with the red,

put them up on the cupboards in the kitchen, that would look great.

No, that's cool but thanks. If I need any, I'll come get one.

Oh I got lots here.

Great. Thanks awesome. Thanks man.

Fuck. Fucker.

Ricky! Ricky! Rick! Ricky! Chill out, it's a bee.

I got stung by one of those bumble cock suckers again.

Do you have any of that bee suave?

Salve?

Lucy I'm going to work. Gonna get drunk with the old man, alright.

Yeah, go ahead.

Nobody called did they? Any messages?

You know what. I'm not your secretary. I'm not your mom.

And you don't even live here. Get your friends to stop calling here.

Lucy, don't be like that. Come on, my old man's

going through a hard time. He needs me right now.

Life is fantastic. I'm telling ya, I've got everything I need now.

A lot of guys have a tough time when they get out of jail

making a fresh start, but look I got, I got my truck sleeper, I own that.

I don't pay any lot fees. Power from the trailer next door.

I got all the hot water I need. Free cable. Lahey doesn't know.

Randy doesn't know. Me and Rick are making a great living

doing the cans. Bubbles is living back there with me, we got the whole family.

I mean, I, I feel like I'm the luckiest guy in the world.

I mean, so help me god. Help my fuck, it's, life is great.

Tell me what you think of the rat wheel.

You like that? Is that going to be a hit?

After some tense negotiations with Barb Lahey, I worked out

a deal where I could move my shed on this lot and just pay half lot fees.

I mean, it's still a lot of money for me, but I've been managing it, just barely.

I've always wanted to open something called the "Kittyland Love Centre",

a daycare centre for cats and I've always been too afraid because

Mr. Lahey and Randy would just ruin it on me with all the drinking

and the craziness. But I'm starting to think this is time. Open up Kittyland.

It's over. I'm breaking up with Mr. Lahey. I've tried everything

with him but the drinking is out of control. We tried the twelve steps.

I even drank with him, mixed his drinks. Tried smoking

some dope with him to quit the drinking but nothing seemed to work.

He's lost complete control of this trailer park and that's where I draw the line.

Mr. Lahey, Mr. Lahey. What the hell happened? Where's the roof of our car?

Wake up Mr. Lahey. Come on.

Come on Mr. Lahey.

Morning Rand.

What happened to the car? Barb's going to freak.

Geez Rand, I don't remember shit. What are we going to do boy.

You're going to watch this tape Mr. Lahey.

I hope you see what you're really like when you're drunk.

It's over Mr. Lahey. I'm leaving you, for good.

Well, I'm sorry to hear about you and Jim.

If there's one thing I can relate to, it's trying your damnedest

to make things work with that man. It is not easy.

Barb?

Yes Rand?

The reason I stopped by is to tell you that I'll do anything

to be the supervisor of this trailer park.

Randy, you didn't leave Jim just because you want to run the park!

No Barb, it's because I care. I've been watching Mr. Lahey really closely

for the last few years and I think I can do this. Or I could put out

some resumes to some other parks. How can I prove it to you?

Mr. Lahey? Wake up Mr. Lahey.

Hi Deputy Rand, how you doing?

Nice day for the race. What are you doing Rand?

A little surveillance Mr. Lahey.

Doing a little surveillance are you? Well, would you like a little show Rand?

A little, little show, a little Lahey show? That would be nice wouldn't it.

Oh, check this one out. I'm going to do a wrap around.

Oh fuck, look what you made me do Randy.

You want a show?

When was that?

I'll tell you what Randy. There's uh,

one particular trailer park resident who has got to go.

Go?

That's right, go. So if you can manage to make that happen,

i.e. evict that person, then I'm going to know that you are up to

the big challenge of running the park and I might see my way

to making some kind of arrangement. How does that sound?

That sounds great. Thank you Barb.

Uh, Randy?

Look, look Randy. I'm mowing the air Rand. I'm mowing the air.

Geez!

You're the best assistant trailer park supervisor anybody ever had.

You get up in the morning, and make me my coffee and you go to the Commission Rand. Now!

Fuck!

Randy turn the fucking thing off. You're embarrassing yourself boy.

I'm taping you Mr. Lahey, so when you're straight,

you can watch your little show here. You pissed yourself Mr. Lahey.

Officer uh, Ted Johnson, gave me his, um, his card.

And uh, it's his personal line if ever I should need him.

Now you know he call screens you and Jim for obvious reasons

but if you tell him that I gave you this card and call that number,

you might find that you get a little bit of help today.

Go slow Randy and don't be afraid to ask for help.

Thanks Barb. Listen I've got some frozen burgers

and I was wondering if I could put them in your freezer until I find a new place to live?

Ray! Can you not throw your dirty old piss jugs around please?

Hey Dad, got you some more piss jugs.

Oh excellent boy. You're right on man.

Ray, there's got to be a better system than this peeing in jugs.

You're going to make Barb Lahey mad.

Barb doesn't care Bubbs, it's an empty lot.

It's not like they're right out in the open. Don't worry about it.

Way of the road buddy.

Yeah, I don't know if you noticed or not Ray, but you're not on the road.

Your rig cab doesn't move an inch.

Way of the road, Bubbs.

Ray used to be on the road as a trucker and that's what truckers do.

They're driving along and they've got deadlines to meet,

they don't want to pull in, park their truck, walk in, take a pee in the toilet

and get back out and get on the road. They just have an old jug.

And they put their bird in it, have a pee, cap it off and once it's full,

they just drill the fucking thing out on the highway. I mean, I don't agree with it.

I see where they're coming from, trying to make their deadlines,

but Ray's been firing them all over the park, like he's still driving a truck.

Here buddy, get this into you. I'm on my third.

We're getting fucking today.

Ricky! You're supposed to pick Julian up at jail.

He's been calling all morning.

Well, I didn't know. I'm sure he's called Astronaut Cock

and Snoopy the Fuckdog by now. They'll take care of it.

Who's Astronaut Cock and Snoopy the Fuckdog?

The counselors in jail said that we were too dependent on Ricky

for our happiness and that that was a bad thing.

They also said that he was like a father to us or something.

Yeah. Then they told us that we had to think more for ourselves.

So we did, and now we have a store. And it's ours. Like it's all ours.

It's Sarah's too, but it's mostly ours.

Well, Corey and Trevor have been out of jail for a little while

and I'm really encouraging them to branch out on their own.

One of the things that I think is important for them is that they have

something from within to give them self-respect so they're not

constantly looking for approval from Ricky and Julian.

So they've started their own convenience store,

and I think that's gonna really do a lot for their self-esteem.

It's a pretty big accomplishmet for me to be running a store

cause growing up in the park, I always looked up to the guys

that were running the store. Almost as much as I looked up to Ricky,

but you know, that didn't turn out to be a good thing.

The counselor said I was dependent on him and that I shouldn't do that.

So I was like, well I'll take a negative and turn it into a positive

and become a store, a store owner like all the guys I looked up to as a kid.

Morning gentlemen. Did you see Randy about?

No dude. But I heard you broke up with the cheeseburger walrus?

Onion ring sasquatch!

You better step off Mr. Lahey.

Step off where Trevor?

Shit ledge.

Excuse me! What the hell is

Stop acting hard in the store Mr. Lahey!

Sarah!

Excuse me! Trevor! Trevor, drop him.

Stay there.

These guys were juxtaposing unusual animal names

and greasy fat food products, calling Randy names.

Is that true, you were calling Randy names?

I called him a cheeseburger walrus.

I called him an onion ring sasquatch cause he is!

Hey.

You guys stop it right now!

Mr. Lahey. Look we'll give you whatever you want on the house, okay?

What can I get you?

Couple of packs of smokes.

Two of packs of smokes, let's go.

Do you want some matches, Mr.Lahey?

Shove em Trevor.

Jail has been awesome this time. Like I'm saying,

it's been so good I decided to stay a couple of extra months.

It turns out that two of the prison guards used to go to

high school with me so basically I've been able to do whatever

the hell I want to in here. Let's go, let's go. So, I took this

online real estate course, started making potato vodka

and I sold a shitload. Like after paying the capper and the pumper,

I cleared eighty-six hundred bucks. Alright guys, as soon as it's gone, it's gone.

I'm going home today. So when I get out today, I'm going to take