The Good Guys

[ crickets chirping, dog barking in distance ]

Oh, hello?

Hey.

Yeah. No, no. This is Julius.

Yeah, listen, can I -- can I call you back?

I-I'm just stepping in to work.

Okay. All right.

Oh, man, it's not even a flat screen.

Come on!

This is a 1994...

Oh, oh! Oh, whoa!

Unbelievable.

Aah! Ow!

[ indistinct conversations, telephones ringing ]

Oh, uh, lieutenant Ruiz!

Can I speak with you for a moment?

Detective Bailey. What can I do for you today?

It's about my current job situation.

What about it?

I know that I've made mistakes.

I know that I have rubbed some people the wrong way.

You corrected the Captain's grammar --

In front of the chief.

And I regret that. Good.

It's just that there's no such thing

As a "statue" of limitations.

Okay, let me just give you a little piece of career advice.

What you did right there? Don't do that.

Okay. Okay.

Here's the thing.

Working property crimes with Dan Stark has been...

Educational.

It's just, I feel that my services

Would be better used in another department,

Like homicide, for example.

homicide. Right.

I-I have been going over cold cases.

I-I got a stabbing here from 2002.

I mean, look at this.

It looks like it was done by a 3rd grader.

Yeah, you see this signature right here,

This -- this scribble? Mm-hmm.

That's my name, Detective.

I guess I better go pick up Stark.

Good idea.

[ the Clash's "I fought the law" plays ]

Whew!

Didn't think I'd make it through that shower.

Guess what I found in the conditioner bottle?

I can't imagine.

Peppermint schnapps.

Got to plan ahead.

What's that, a case?

Sort of.

Let's roll.

Hello, ma'am.

I'm Detective Bailey. This is Detective Stark.

About the robbery.

Well, come on in.

so, what do we got?

I think someone tried to steal my TV.

And it looks like they dropped it

And then ran out the back door.

The only item missing from your home

Was an ez-steam humidifier, correct?

Yeah. I'm actually surprised you came.

Are you guys, like, small-crimes investigators...

No. No.

We, uh, we work the code 58's,

The routine investigations.

Oh. I'm sorry.

It's kind of driving me crazy.

Do I know you from somewhere?

Could be. Name's Detective Stark.

You saved the governor's son,

Back in '85?

Yeah! Guilty.

Yep, me and my ex-partner, Frank savage.

They made a TV movie about it -- "savage and... " "...Stark." ye.

Why don't you go look for some evidence?

I'm gonna... Interview the victim.

Is there someplace private we can go?

I find it's good to be relaxed

When you're remembering details of a crime.

Yeah, come on.

[ door opens, closes, woman chuckles ]

Hey, there.

Did you find anything?

Yeah.

Just some blood and hair samples...

Two fingerprints,

And a back issue of a quilting magazine.

Ma'am, will you please sign this? Um, yeah.

You've got our phone number,

So if you remember anything, please don't hesitate to call.

We will...Send out another minor celebrity

For you to sleep with.

Are you sure you have to go?

I'm thinking, maybe you want to hang out

And do a little more "investigating."

Hmm. Later, darlin'.

Ooh!

I got to go fight the bad guys.

You know, it's not a good idea to get too involved

With a robbery victim during an investigation --

Or sleep with them, for that matter. Hey.

It pleasured us both, plus it jogged her memory.

She remembered seeing a guy

Lurking around the neighborhood a couple of days ago.

I was able to get a... A rough sketch out of her.

Oh, Dan, that is a stick figure. Yeah, it's rough.

Hey, we're lucky we got this much to go on.

I ever tell you the story -- when was it? --

Back in '85, me and Frank,

We get a call about a stolen car...

But it turns out it's Laotians smuggling heroin

In the engine blocks of sports cars.

Yeah, you told me.

Hey, I'm just saying, college boy,

There's a bigger picture here.

You see, crime is like a sweater.

You pull one thread, it's all connected.

Sure, maybe this is just a stolen hudimidifinder,

Or maybe by the time this is over,

We're gonna be dealing with a major crime.

Escalante: "dear Romero,

"for five years, I have been your courier,

"delivering cocaine to your buyers in Dallas.

Always I stay in budget motels to save you money."

"because you are too cheap to pay for a mid-size sedan,

"I rent a crappy subcompact car with roll-down windows

And no GPS."

"I sell your drugs for you, and you call me your chihuahua

"and pay me less than your pool boy.

"but no more.

"I'm taking your $4 million, you son of a whore.

"by the time you get this letter,

"I will be gone.

You will never see my face again."

I wish to look like Erik Estrada.

Uh, well, you'll...

Look much more like Mr. Estrada than you do now.

Good, because if you fail,

Your last hours on earth will be spent begging for death.

[ monitor beeping

Oh, God! Oh, God!

What is wrong with señor Escalante?

It's probably just a loose connection on the heart monitor.

Put the gun down!

Fix him -- now.

I am trying to perform surgery here!

Just... Aah!

Unh!

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, no.

are yoous, Jack?

You want me to pressure the forensics office

Into getting you lab work on a stolen

Humidifier? Yeah.

Now, why would I use my considerable superpowers

For something like that?

Because I'm irresistibly charming.

well, that is true,

But I'm gonna need something much better than that.

Because I need a conviction,

Or I'm gonna be stuck on Dan Stark babysitting duty --

Forever.

Now, you know you pissed off

Damn near everyone in the department.

There's no way one conviction's gonna change that.

Okay, then how about an anniversary gift?

Last week would have been our anniversary.

If we were still together.

Yes, right, if we were still together.

So you want lab work

To celebrate the anniversary of a relationship