Two and a Half Men

Morning.

Morning.

What are you making?

Breakfast.

Have you considered orange juice and a piece of toast?

It's in there.

We got any marshmallows?

And he wonders why he gets diarrhea.

( blender whirring, liquid sloshing )

Oh, man.

You forget to put the lid on again?

Maybe.

Well, clean it up.

Okay.

Is Jake up yet?

He's in the kitchen.

Has he been looking for me?

Are you a marshmallow?

What?

He hasn't been looking for you.

Oh, good.

Sorry, I'm late,

but Kandi and I had morning sex.

Good for you.

Twice.

Congratulations.

She didn't even wake me up for the first one.

I almost missed it.

Well, I've always said a 22-year-old girl

is like a good carpenter: no wood gets wasted.

Well, I wouldn't put it so crudely, but, yeah.

Morning, buddy.

Morning.

Why do you let him use the blender?

I'm hoping he'll eventually stumble into a margarita.

Hey, here's a fun fact.

You're sleeping with a girl

who was born when you were in junior high.

And yet there's a good chance

she lost her virginity before you did.

And here's another fun fact.

I'll bet she's had sex with more girls than you, too.

That is a fun fact.

And you know what else?

Here youth is-is like an aphrodisiac.

I feel younger.

I feel more... oh, I don't know how to describe it.

Manly.

I know what you mean.

And I am performing at what can only be described

as a very enhanced level.

Right. You know,

between-the-sheets-wise.

You don't have to tell me.

Yes, I do.

I have to tell everybody.

Hey, I'm just impressed that you can keep up with her.

I thought by now, she'd have worn you down

into a few vertebrae and pool of spinal fluid.

You know, I exercise, I eat right...

And of course, I've always had a vast untapped reservoir

of sexual energy bubbling under the surface.

Truth be told, you could drill anywhere and hit a gusher.

Morning, brother.

We're here to tell you about the good news.

Yeah, okay, but, my news first.

See, I'm dating a 22-year-old woman...

incredible.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

*Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * *Ooh

*Men, men, men, men, manly men * *Ooh *Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

*Ooh *Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

*Ah. *Men. *Men.

Hey, Charlie. Hey, Rose, what's up?

I was just takin' a walk on the beach with my boyfriend,

and we thought we'd stop by.

Come on up, lamb chop.

: This is ridiculous.

I still don't understand why we can't use the stairs over there.

Don't try to change me, Gordon.

So, how's it goin' with you two?

It's just great.

Gordon's my soul mate.

He completes me.

We're inseparable.

Yeah.

Wait here. I want to talk to Charlie alone.

Charlie.

Coming.

"Lamb chop"?

I'm hot and juicy.

What's up?

Don't play innocent with me.

I can see the hurt in your eyes.

What?

You have to let me go, Charlie.

Okay.

I'm with Gordon now.

I've moved on.

Good.

And I know it may be hard for you to hear this,

but he satisfies all my needs.

Well, he is hot and juicy.

Oh, Charlie,

I can't bear to see you like this.

Like what?

I know I shouldn't, but...

I'm going to give you one last chance.

One last chance for what?

You're going to make me say it, aren't you?

Say what?

Listen closely.

Once I go, I'm gone.

Really? I've never seen that side of you.

I've never had a man like Gordon.

I believe you.

So?

So, what?

Who's that?

That's Gordon, my boyfriend.

How come he's not allowed in?

I'm trying to avoid an awkward situation.

Too late.

You bringing him to my birthday party?

Oh, what do you think, Charlie?

Is the wound too fresh?

I think I can handle it.

Cool.

Okay, I'm going to go now.

All right.

But before I do,

I think we need to decide just where we stand.

You're kidding.

Rose has a boyfriend?

Yep.

A real one or like "Toby the astronaut"?

No, this one's real.

What's he like?

Nice guy.

Has no idea how close he is to the wood chipper.

Hello?

Alan, you home?

Kandi?

What are you doing here?

I thought I'd surprise you with a booty call.

Shh!

Lower your voice.

KANDI ( deep voice ): Booty call.

What's a booty call?

Well, it's...

You know, this is more the kind of thing

a-a son should learn from his father.

Oh, okay.

Maybe you should ask him now.

All right.

I'm going to hell.

Look, it's a really sweet gesture,

but this is not a great time.

Hey, Dad, what's a booty call?

Oh, oh, hey, Jake.

You, uh,

you remember Kandi.

Sure. Hi, Kandi. Hi.

So, what's a booty call?

I figured you didn't want me telling him.

Was I wrong?

Uh, uh...

uh, well, uh, Jake, it-it means, uh, that...

uh, that Kandi came by to-to, uh,

to do her laundry.

I don't see any laundry.

Good-good point, Charlie.

Always the eye for detail.

Uh... well, uh, you see, Jake, um...

in the Old West...

uh, uh, cowboys could be out on the dusty range

uh, uh, for months at a time,

and, uh, they'd get mighty dirty.

Um, so, they'd, uh, they'd, uh, mosey into town,

uh, with nothing but the clothes on their backs,

and they'd need to-to wash 'em.

So what they'd do is,

uh, they-they would go down to the-the... crick,

uh, and strip down

until they were wearing nothing but their boots.

Why'd they keep their boots on?

Rattlesnakes.

Uh, anyway, um, in order to warn people who were swimming

that, you know, the naked cowboy on his way,

he would yell or, uh,

or, if you will, call, um...

"Booty."

"Booty."

Ergo, the booty call.

Wow, Alan, you really make history fun.

Well, thank you.

So when did it start meaning casual sex?

Um, why don't you go play a video game or something?