Mrs Brown's Boys

This programme contains some strong language.

Ha-ha-ha!

Ladies and gentlemen...

welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys.

Hello! Ha-ha-ha!

Well, it's my son Dermot and Maria's wedding this week...

Everybody's so excited.

Cathy is worried about fitting into that dress so she's going to her aerobics.

Yeah, aero... that's a made-up name.

I think the gym owners said, "We'd better call it something fancy,

"cos they won't pay if we just call it feckin' jumping up and down."

Ow!

Sorry... a bit distracted, it's not just the wedding,

it's Dermot's reaction to it.

Dermot doesn't take stress well.

When his father died, he went into the wardrobe in his bedroom and didn't come out for two weeks!

Hiya, Mammy.

Hello, son. Would you like a cup of tea?

Yeah, Mammy.

A penny for your thoughts, love. Just thinking about me getting married!

Do you see what I mean?

My God, it's hard to believe you'll soon have children of your own to worry about.

And after the way you treated me, I hope they break your feckin' heart!

Do you remember being pregnant on me?

Ha-ha. Do I remember?

I'll never forget it, son.

Me arse was as wide as the arrivals gate in Dublin Airport!

What were you hoping I'd be? Your father's!

Seriously?

Don't be a feckin' idiot, of course not!

Your arrival was a big event in my life. I'll never forget it...

12 pounds, 8 ounces you were.

They couldn't even get you with the forceps.

At one point I thought they were going for a tow truck and a rope!

22 stitches I had.

I could walk down both sides of Grafton Street at the same time.

I'll never forget it.

A beautiful, sunny Tuesday! Saturday!

Saturday! Saturday, yeah!

In July.

September. September, yeah!

Which feckin' one are you?

No, it was lovely and the nurses in Galway were so nice. I thought I was born in Dublin.

No, Galway. It would have been Dublin only your father wanted to stay for the last race!

I don't think I'm ready to be a parent.

For feck's sake, son, none of us are!

Any parent will tell you.

You're an amateur parent with an amateur child,

and just when you have the job right...

they marry someone and leave.

Yeah, well...

Mammy, don't worry, I'll never be far away.

Don't you feckin' threaten me, son!

Good morning! Morning, Rory! Morning, Mammy! Hello, love!

Dermot, getting nervous yet?

Stop, stop it! Leave me alone!

Rory, have you and Dino decided which girls you're going to be bringing to the wedding?

Er, no. Listen, I have to dash. I'll see you later. Bye-bye!

He's in a feckin' hurry!

Mammy, Rory's not bringing a girl to the wedding. Why not?

Mammy, what if I turn out like me dad?

You and Rory need to talk. He's not into women.

What are you saying? I said, "What if I turn out like me dad?"

No, not you, love, Cathy.

I heard what you said! You won't.

Rory is... a friend of Dorothy's.

Can't he bring Dorothy to the wedding, then?

Wouldn't that be all right?

I have to go. Mammy, we'll talk later.

What if I become an alcoholic?

Your father wasn't an alcoholic.

We couldn't afford that.

He was a drunk!

Yeah, I know what you mean, yes.

Well, marriage is not just all about sex. Now that's what I say.

Yes... Oh, you're so right!

Oh, listen, I remember when one night himself...

oh, he went... he went from one o'clock in the morning till quarter past two!

Yeah. No, well, it was the night that the clocks went forward!

Mammy, for God's sake! Oh, hold on. What, Cathy?

Just order the pizza!

So that's a...

a deep pan Hawaiian, a pepperoni and a side order of garlic bread.

All right, thank you!

Mammy, sit down for a second.

What, Cathy?

Look at this.

I want you to take a little time to read this.

What is it?

Homosexuality And Me.

I want you to read it, Mammy.

I want you to look around you for signs and then we'll have a talk.

Signs? What kind of signs?

Read it... and then we'll talk.

I wish you'd tell me what this is all about.

G'day, g'day!

Hello, son!

Oh, do you smell wedding cake?

I smell wedding cake! Do you smell wedding cake? Don't, Mammy.

Maria standing there in a beautiful white gown, think about that!

Stop, Ma, not now!

I'm only getting excited.

I'd love to be a feckin' kangaroo.

I'd have had 12 children if I could have matured them in me handbag!

Do you want a cup of tea, love? No, thanks, Ma.

I'm fine, it's just...

everything's happening so fast.

I feel...

Doesn't matter. Never mind.

I can't believe your boss made you hop around the week you're getting married!

He didn't ask me, I wanted to.

I'm going for me bath.

Make sure to wash your Joey!

Dermot! Can I just say something?

I'm off, Mammy!

I'll see you, love.

And, Mammy, read the book! I will.

How are you, Mrs Brown? Is Dermot here?

Dermot!

There's a gobshite down here looking for you!

And me!

So how's your speech coming along?

I'm still trying to pronounce me haitches more.

Your best man's speech for the wedding!

The best man's speech is the highlight of the reception!

Really?!

You didn't know you'd to make a speech at the wedding?!

No.

I suppose I'll just make something up on the day. No, you won't!

Jacko was our best man and he did that and loads of crap came out.

You will not. You'll write a speech before the wedding and you'll run it past me first. Are we clear? Yeah!

I'd die if Dermot's marriage was a repeat of my own.

That man feckin' ruined our wedding!

Right, Mrs Brown...

will you tell Dermot to follow me down to Foley's?

I've some thinking to do.

Yes, you have.

Holy God!

Cathy's a lesbian.

What?!

Cathy.

It explains a lot. She's a lesbian!

But what about Mick the boyfriend?

He must be a lesbian, too!

Mick is a homo?

Winnie, the book says you can't say that.

It's not politically correct.

What do you say, then?

I don't know. Queer, I think.

Right so!

Now goodnight, folks. Come on. You got no homes to go to?

Agnes, what does the book say is the signs of being a lesbian?

"There will be a noticeable absence of men in her life."

That's very vague, Agnes.

Sure, your husband's dead and my Jacko's always in hospital!

Jesus, that's true!

Well, here...

"The closest person to her will be another woman

"and it will become apparent that she feels she cannot be without that woman."

Again, Agnes, that could be anyone.

Sure, that could be me or you!

What does the book say...

lesbians do together?

Does it mention bingo?

We'd better move. Yeah!

I'm going to go home, ring Jacko at the hospital, and have phone sex.

He'll be asleep, for God's sake!

Well, I'll leave a message then.

Listen, I'm going to pay Mr Foley for the drink he's leaving at the house.

Right. You go on ahead. Goodnight then, love. Goodnight.

Goodnight, love. Yeah.

Mr Foley. Hello. That's the stuff we need and there's a few bob.

Two dozen lager, two dozen stout, case of wine, assorted spirits...

half a dozen Babycham? Rory! Oh...

I'll tot it up! Thanks very much.

What about this? Jesus Christ!

You were that close to death!

Ahem. "What is the story, everybody?"

No, no... that's,

"Ladies and gentleman and Reverend Father..."

It's his best man's speech. Oh!

"Ladies and gentlemen and Reverend Father...

"the first time me and Dermot went shoplifting..."

Scratch that!

My Dermot never went shoplifting!

He did!

Of course he didn't...

What about this?

"Me and Dermot met in a private school... " Yeah, that's nice!

"recommended by a judge."

NO! It's funny but, isn't it? No! It's not funny!

What did Dermot think of this effort?

He didn't come down to Foley's.

I tried to call him but his phone's turned off.

Good luck!

It doesn't take two and a half hours to have a bath.

Maybe he went out to Maria's.

Thanks very much, Mr Foley. There you go.

Huh, kids. What are you going to do, hey?

Hey. Well, with our Nicole we're really lucky. Ah, that's nice.