Lopez

They took everything?

The 2x4s. The 4x4s.

The 2x6s. The 2x8s.

Okay, all the wood. I get it.

The nails. The bricks.

The Porta Potti! The Porta Potti!

The Porta Potti... Who needs a Porta Potti?

Find them. Ask them. Kill them!

My friend.

You come to this neighborhood like an innocent lamb.

These people? They see you coming.

- They slaughter you. - Okay, these people?

Come on, Arton, we can't assume

that whoever did this is from around here.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Maybe they are surfers

or soccer moms. Forgive me.

Tomorrow, I'll go to the Palisades to find the criminal.

Damn these animals! Damn them!

Okay, I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation for what happened.

Yeah. You were robbed.

Yep, they put you out of 20,000 bucks,

and it's only going to get worse. So we need to build a wall.

Wait a minute. A wall? Last week, you told me I needed a fence.

Too late. You need a big, concrete wall.

I don't know. Big concrete wall in this neighborhood?

- Mm-hmm. - Might seem a little unfriendly.

You don't know if I'm unfriendly.

But for now, I have bags and bags of concrete.

I'm a wholesaler, so I can make you a deal.

I stick them deep. Sell them cheap.

All right, you know what? I-I got to go. I'm meeting Olly.

You mean you're driving to Beverly Hills?

No, I'm a big star. She's coming out here.

Manolo, come with me.

I know a place we can lay and wait,

in case they come back.

Let's go.

So thanks for coming all the way out here, Olly.

Oh, I had to come out here anyway

for one of my other clients. She's shooting a webisode

or event series... or like a "special content" thing for Hulu.

Or Voodoo. Or Juko.

It isn't Juko.

It's not Snapchat.

- Does it matter? - No. Hold on, I'll get there.

It's like two... "hmm." "Huh" -"huh."

"App-Pants."

That's not a thing.

I'll table that, in here, for now.

- George, I have great news for you. - Yeah? So you're gonna try

to stop remembering the name of that app?

Even better. I got you a roast.

Wait a minute. You got me a roast?

All right. Oh, who am I tearing up?

Is it... is it Kim? Kourtney? Kylie?

Who else is in there? Caitlyn?

Impressive list, but even better better.

It's you.

What? Wait, I'm the one getting roasted?

Yeah. Oh, I'm connecting dots.

Vegas. Uh. Uh.

Roasts. Yeah?

Plus, I've been YouTubing all those Dean Martin roasts

you always talk about. Those are sweet. Those are fun.

No, well, you know what?

There's a big difference now between, like,

Dean Martin making fun of Bob Hope's golf game,

and now, where, like, you have Rob Schneider

in front of a room full of people

live on television calling me a beaner.

But he's allowed to say that because he's married

- to a Latina. - You're missing the point.

Roasts are vicious, and whoever's being roasted...

Those things are humiliating.

Well, that's what show business is.

It's nonstop humiliation,

so suit up and get in the game.

I don't want to get in that game.

George, a Comedy Central roast

could help you with the Vegas residency

and get you in with the younger audience,

all at the same time.

I mean, we are talking about the Meltdown crowd,

the Netflix, the Seeso,

the Laffblast... Laffblast is it!

That's the one. I found it.

It's Laffblast. But "Laff" is with two Fs.

That's a horrible name.

Yeah, well, they are running out of names.

'Cause there's too many apps.

Are you in? Or are you out?

Yeah... Don't move your head.

Yes, okay? All right, I'll do it.

Oh! Oh, good. Awesome.

I will reach back to them.

Come on. "Reach back"? Nobody even talks like that.

Mm-hmm.

Wow. So this place...

This is all Mexican food, then.

Oh, my God, yeah. You know, the healthy choices...

They're on the back, right there.

Okay.

That's very funny.

- - It's gonna be great,

and since I don't have a lot of time,

they're hooking me up with a team of writers

to get me roast-ready.

Thought everyone would just tell jokes about you?

Yeah, but at the end,

you get to hit back.

I don't know if I like roasts. They sound mean.

I don't mind mean, as long as it's funny.

Hey, where's that cup that we bought off the TV

that lets you eat cereal in the car?

So you guys are my roast writers?

Everybody say sup to George.

- Sup? - Hi, George.

That's Bill,

Mike,

Other-Mike,

and Other-Josh.

- I'm OG Josh. - Original gangsta!

All right. Hey, nice to meet you guys.

It's good to see that diversity talk

is working out in this office.

Well, we're excited AF to meet you.

Oh, we got Anthony Jeselnik to host, which is awesome.

- He's my boy! - Awesome!

And we're casting a wide net

for some awesome roasters.

We're reaching out to Leslie Jones.

To Jim Norton. To Helen Mirren.

- Helen Mirren? Did I hear you right? - I said "wide net."

Now, I know you were joking about diversity.

- Yeah, not really, but okay. - Well, we just got this great guy,

right off the Crimson, to write especially for you.

And...

he's Latino.

All right. Cool.

Let me meet him. Where is he?

Right here.

You're Latino?

They call me Blanco.

Here's some jokes. Thank me later.

Gracias, Señor Blanco.

De welcome.

Are you Latino too?

Uh... just Blanco.

Latino!

All right.

This is going well.

All right. Can I look at these in the car?

- Yeah, sure. - Yeah.

- Gracias. - Gracias, yeah.

Mr. Lopez, hi. I'm Josh Banks.

Of course you're Josh.

You look like you're selling something I'm not interested in.

Joke, right?

They warned me you do those, but I'm not a salesman.

I've been hired to handle your audit.

- My taxes? - No, no.

Your jokes.

- Mind if we go inside? - Yeah. All right.

It's pretty simple, really.

I had somebody at the office

transcribe all your jokes.

Now, we'll just go over them with a fine-tooth comb

to ascertain their time and place of origin

to make sure they didn't originate during your marriage.

I can't believe my ex-wife hired you to do this to me.

Maybe because you pissed her off.

That's why we got divorced. Isn't that enough?

Nope. Should have done what the Coldplay guy did with Gwyneth.

You know. Unconscious coupling.

I think you mean conscious uncoupling.

Unconscious coupling is date rape, cochino.

Oh, yeah, my bad.

I wasn't hired by your ex-wife.

I was hired by your lawyer and business manager.

You see? I knew those guys were all in cahoots.

Sending in the assassins to carve me up like some Christmas turkey.

No. No, no, no. I'm not sure that's what assassins do,

but, rest assured, I'm here to do

the opposite of carving you up. Really?

My job is ensuring there are no possible claims

against your material.

You know, my material... I write all that stuff myself.

Yes, but if you came up with jokes while you were married,

they could potentially be seen as community property,

no matter when you exploit them.

Exploit it. That... you... you mean tell it?

- For money. Yes. - But listen, man, how in the world

am I supposed to remember where every joke came from?

I'll bet you remember more than you think.

Let's try this joke of yours, for example.

"I was at lunch with this 'cabron.'"