Dark Command

A silver watch and five dollars in coin of the realm...

for every southern settler who will leave here...

for the rich and fertile plains of Kansas.

The south needs your vote.

We want no five-dollar voters. We want no silver-watch settlers.

We want to people Kansas with good, hardworking, northern farmers.

There ya are, sir. As mean a molar as ever I did see.

Give me two dollars and we call it square. What do you say?

All right. Must've hit you pretty hard to loosen up that tooth.

-What's the trouble? -I said President Pierce was a polecat.

Which he is! Then he popped me.

-Just wait till I get him in Kansas. -Don't blame you in a bit.

-Are you a dentist? -Am I a dentist?

My friend, you're looking directly at the best dentist west of the Mississippi.

What seems to be your trouble?

Big fella back there belted me on the mouth.

Right in the chair. Right in there. Sit down there.

-Nothin' about Pierce, I hope. -Why, yeah. Who told you?

Excuse me, partner.

I don't want no trouble with you, mister. Just leave me be.

I'm mindin' my own business. You mind yours.

Stranger, I ain't a-carin' whose wagon you're fixin'.

Wasn't talkin' to you in the first place.

But in the second place, I still think we can do with a better President.

So what are you gonna do about it?

Well, all right, mister. You asked for it.

Right after the Mexican war, my wife says to me, she says,

"Andrew, you know what this country needs?"

I says, "no, what's it need?" She says, "needs more dentists."

Well, it did, so I become a dentist. Say "ah".

-Ah! -There we are.

Hey, we ain't doin' bad. Made $34 last three days.

Well, I can't go around popping people all my life.

And am I askin' ya to? Who were ya when I met ya? Nobody.

Standing around in Texas. Wantin' to travel and see the country.

Well, you're seein' it, ain't ya?

Yeah, and I ain't likin' it. You told me I'd see mountains and oceans.

This country ain't no different than Texas. Ain't as good.

I know, but travel costs money, son.

-You sayin' I ain't earnin' it? -No, I'm not complainin'.

You knock 'em loose. I pull 'em out.

Maybe, I'm just sayin' maybe, you know,

if you was more promiscuous with your punchin',

we might make a little more money.

What you mean, "promiscuous"?

Well, you got strange ideas about justice.

Don't wanna hit nobody unless they deserve it. Now that's all right.

But we're in business. Business is different.

I don't know, doc.

You're gonna lose yourself a partner unless we get out of this territory pretty quick.

'Cause I aim to see them mountains you were talkin' about.

You got a memory like an elephant. Giddyap.

-Bite of tater, doc? -Can't. Break my plate. Giddyap.

Whoa! Where do I find your camping grounds, mister?

-Edge of town, just past the schoolhouse. -Much obliged.

Hyah!

Land where my fathers died,

land of the pilgrims' pride

-Doc? -Yeah?

-Hear that? -Sure, pretty.

Gives me the goose pimples.

-Sick? -No, just proud.

Hello. Would you mind moving? I'd like to get through.

I said, would you mind moving? I'd like to get through.

Oh, excuse me, ma'am, but I ain't had a chance to hear such pretty singin'...

in a long time.

You wouldn't believe it, but music does something to me. That kind of music.

-Why, I can remember... -That's all very interesting,

but are you going to move this wagon, or shall I have it moved for you?

You know, doc,

all them stories we've been hearing about Kansas must be true.

Even the womenfolk think nothing of threatening strangers in the open.

-Good morning, Miss McCloud. -Good morning, Mr. Cantrell.

Would you be good enough to ask him to get out of the way?

He's so enchanted with your music class, he refuses to move.

Your interest is very gratifying, sir.

First time our singing lessons have ever held up traffic.

If you'd care to, we'd be delighted to have you join us.

Thank you, mister. In that case, I reckon we'll move on.

Giddy out of there.

Beautifully done, Mr. Cantrell.

You certainly know how to say the right thing at the right time.

Except where you're concerned.

Oh, well, you've held me speechless with your eloquence.

That's just what I'm complaining of.

I want to leave you with just enough speech to say one word,

but you never do.

Maybe I should change my tactics.

You think I'd say yes at the point of a gun?

If I thought you would, I'd be armed to the teeth.

Oh, then you'd scare me to death.

I'm goin' into town to rent an office.

Take about a month, the way I figure, to fix all the teeth in this town.

Of course, that's not countin' the ones you'll send in.

Then we're headin' west. California and mountains.

No hurry, doc. Take your time.

I wanna look this country over good.

Well, if you ain't the contrariest critter I've ever seen.

-Will you put that gun away? -No, sir, I will not.

I won't warn you again. Now put that gun away. Give me that gun, I say.

- No, sir, I'm over 21- - Boys, boys, please.

Don't you raise your voice to me, young Scallawag,

have you no respect for your father?

Now give me that gun.

Well, I'm gettin' tired of being treated like a kid.

Mary!

-Ellie! Ellie! -Do you know how much that cost?

Ellie, take up the carpets and let's have plenty of sawdust on the floor.

And also several cuspidors. Now let me see.

Oh, yes, we can put the beer barrels over there and a bar where the piano is.

Oh, and there I want a large picture of dancing nymphs.

But be sure and keep this space clear for brawling purposes.

What are you raving about?

Both you and Fletch act like you're in a saloon,

so I just thought I'd make you feel at home, dad.

I'm sorry, dear.

Well, go on, apologize to your sister for making a deplorable scene.

-I'm sorry, sis. -All right, Ellie, you may go.

But don't forget the sawdust, just in case.

Now what's all this yelling about a gun, anyway?

The hot-tempered young fool must carry a gun,

because the place swarms with yankees,

and he wants to get into trouble.

Now listen, sis. I'm old enough...

Stop yelling at me! A southerner never raises his voice!

Never.

That's right, dear. Follow your father's example.

He never forgets himself.

Well, I'm gonna tote a gun, and no one's gonna take it and offend me.

Fletch McCloud, where in the worid did you pick up such language?

"Tote", "offen." Give me that gun.

A cowboy came through town one day, and he got big ideas.

He's been wanting to tote... carry a gun ever since.

Fletch, I just saw a ruffian with a gun.

He was no match for will Cantrell, who merely used his brain.

-Yes, but... -Oh, hush.

Now, not another word out of you.

Go along. Stop aggravating your father.

- Oh, dad, I wonder if you'd let me - No!

You two, shame on you.

If I weren't around, you'd be at each other's throats all day.

What are you gonna do when I get married?

Don't you worry about us.

Did Cantrell ask you to marry him?

-Uh-huh. -Good, splendid.

I didn't say I'd accepted him, now, did I?

Oh, he's a smart man, Mary. Ambitious, hard worker. Be a big man someday.

-I like a little one I can boss around. -Oh, no, no, no.

I'm serious. He'd make a good husband for you, that lad.

His grandfather was scotch.

I wouldn't think of getting married

until you and Fletch are old enough to stop fighting.

The carriage is ready, sir. Thank you, Tom.

I'm gonna be in Dodge City for about a week.

If I could know you'll take Cantrell, I could buy you a handsome wedding present.

What are you, a banker or a matchmaker?

There you are, sir.

Ha! Smooth as a baby's... leg.

Your honor, them's the kindest words I've heard from a judge in years.

Mostly they say, "thirty days."

My friend, you may paint a shaving mug with the name "judge Buckner"...

and count upon me as a steady patron now that you're established.

-Two bits. -Oh, tut, tut, tut.

I shall settle with you weekly.

Or, perhaps, monthly.

You'll sum up my account... I beg your pardon, madam.

He's an excellent shave, madam. Oh, I'm sorry, madam.

Good morning, ma'am.

-I wish to have a tooth pulled. -Yes, ma'am. Will you be seated, please?

-There ya are. -What's this?

-Imbibe, madam, or suffer. -I do not imbibe.

Very well, ma'am.

Now, if you'll kindly place your right knee against my chest.

Why, I've never heard of such a thing in my life. I'll tell my husband.

Just for leverage, ma'am. Just for leverage.

Say "ah." There we are.

I take a short trip out of town, and look what happens.

Four killings in a week. It's got to stop.

Four? Did you say four?

That's right, four! Well, we're getting to be quite a town, aren't we?

I doubt if they have that many in Dodge City. No, I don't think so.

We aim to compete with any city in size, but not in lawlessness.

Certainly, of course, four killings is outrageous.

The judge was saying, Mr. McCloud, before you came,

that the appointment of a marshal is obviously in order.

-If I can find the right man. -I have a nephew.

He's a fine, upstanding young man who..

Who you'd like to see on the city payroll.

Well, the man we need must be honest,

must have courage, know how to handle men.

-Have you any suggestions? -Wait now, there's my nephew.

-He's out! -We really felt, Mr. McCloud,

that you'd probably make a nomination.

Gentlemen, I think I know the very man.

-Look out for the ruts, Will. -"Look out for the ruts."

There you have the story of my life.

Only I never did look out. Always been in one.

Look at me now. A schoolteacher.

-Where's that going to get me? -Where do you want to go?

I think I could go clear to the top if I thought you'd be there waiting.